Emancipation

I cleaned up my life, in the last month.

In the process I had to get it really dirty, very messy and for a while I was overwhelmed by the task I had ahead of me.

One more month of teenagedom month. My plans aren't crazy.
I would like to get a decent night's sleep in a less lonely bed.
I would like to study. Sounds odd, yes, but it feels like so long since I've read about something out of my own interest.
I would like to sing :) Wonderfully, this is already happening.

It feels like it's time to put my old fears, insecurities and stress to rest.

An incurable romantic

It alternates between being a boon and a curse.
It means I can listen to the same songs and watch the same scenes
Over and over again

It meanst I'm in love with an ideal,
that sometimes can never come into fruition
It means disappointment sometimes
But I don't think I'd change a thing

It means forgetting myself and my lists
of endless things to do
In favour of lying on the floor to stop
and listen to a new song, or an old one
to daydream the endless possibilities
and have a little piece of hopeful fire in my heart
that can't possibly be quenched, even by the biggest hurt

To allow yourself to be moved, even in the face of cynicism and reality
I think that's a great thing.
To let your soul sing no matter the circumstances.

Because life can turn into a big to-do list, but really it's very short.
I can't believe things that I remember as yesterday actually happened a few years ago now.
And I'm surprised by how far we have come.

No matter what, though, I think the greatest thing is to say good morning to my mum on the phone, regardless of how tired I may be, and how croaky my voice often sounds. It makes me happy :)
Being hugged makes me happy. Not those mild pat on the back things, but full blown, big bear hugs.
Making people smile makes me happy too.

Good Morning.

Much happiness.

Tired, laughed out, warm happiness.

Lowering your expectations and abolishing your plans can sometimes be the best thing possible. And I'm going to sleep excited because I know tomorrow, the day after, and the day after that have wonderful things in store for me. Maybe even more wonderful than what I anticipate.

Wake up to this :) Live with as much passion you have.

<3

'Like all dreamers, I mistook disenchantment for truth'

The computer hums, it's not a comforting hum, it's an angry, machine hum, and I wonder if machines are ever going to be able to take over us, my hands looks quite beautiful as I'm typing, it's like a dance, that has been practised many many times. In fact, I'm sure the ability to type kind of trumps my ability to dance because I do it so often, and it's almost second nature. My little finger on the left hand is the laziest. It stands up tall, but does nothing. Then, again neither does the finger on my right, but at least it has the decency to stay down. I think, I'm probably most like the little finger on my right.
I don't agree with what's happening but occassionally I join it, don't I, because that's a little bit easier than sticking out like a sore thumb. Well, not a sore thumb, a haughty little finger.

Now I've stopped. Did you know I have burns on my wrists, from the places where my hands have rested against a hot computer. Reall, they're burns, they looks like shiny plastic things. I wonder if one day my whole body will burn. Well, I know it will one day, but I won't be able to experience it. Is it strange to look at death as though it's some kind of adventure. I know, it's from Harry Potter and all, but I don't think I was every afraid of dying. There was a time when I was paralysed with fear and pain at the thought of a) my mother dying and b) my parents not being together. Now I'm not afriad of either, just sad that one day, inevitably they will die. I don't think I will be alone, though. I've stopped feeling quite so alone. Not because there's an influx of people (though, sometimes it feels like I'm surroun...)

I was just interrupted by my dad, he asked me what I need. I gave him a list of things 'fruits, bread, toilet paper, moisturiser, tissues' but of course I don't really really need those things. Nobody ever asks you what you NEED. Everybody seems to need something from other people, I'm realising. It's easier once you know, to respond and mould yourself into whatever that may be.

Yesterday I took a personality test. No surprises, I'm ENFJ (Extraverted, iNuitive, Feeling, Judging)- An idealist teacher. I was sad I didn't get mastermind, but I know I don't fit the criteria. Apparently teachers are characterised by their ability to communicate with others and help them achieve a sense of fulfilment, fulfillmnet, flfillment, fulfillment. Funny I can't type it. And they're greatest weakness is their fear of conflict. Sounds to me like the doormat archetype. Stupid Jung. Well, no, stupid me, really. Oh, they blame themselves. And they are committed in love.

I was saying something before about dying, wasn't I? Oh yes. Feeling surrounded by people. I do sometimes. I'd like to run away for a few days. Somewhere warm, you see. Somewhere alone. Like I said, I don't mind being alone. I think I used to kind of fear it, well, not fear it, but not enjoy it, but that's probably because we reach our darkest thoughts and emotions alone. We allow ourselves to realise the things about ourselves, and others that we hate. We allow ourselves to feel hurt, disappointed, weak. Or at least what's the word, we admit to our weaknesses. And realise our desires aren't our true desires. And a whole host of other things. It's the feeling archetype, that disappointed me. But who am I kidding, I'm more likely to feel something than think something, though I'm pretty certain you can't do one without the other. It just means I'm never going to be a genius in the purely intellectual sense of the word.

I have these white lace curtains in my room, that act like a barrier between me and the outside. I can see through them, but people can't see me. I can stare out of them, as vulnerable and naked as can be, and nobody can see me. It's like the antithesis to voyeurism. Anyone who enjoys reading is the slightest bit voyeuristic, and somewhat preoccupied with finding themself, or making an effort to understand the world around them. My friend bought me a book the other day. Very randomly. 'Clown Doctors.' I think it's one of the nicest gifts I've ever received. Gift-giving is a kind of stupid custom, because it doesn't mean much now, though there's a shoebox full of the nicest things I've ever been given, and they are curious things. I won't say what they are, or who they are from, but I do love them, and I'm certain they're the only possessions I have that I value.

I dreamt of a kiss last night. I didn't remember it until hours after I woke up, but now it's on my mind and I can't get it out. Not because it made me aroused (I hate the word horny)or lonely or anything, it was just very strange and very gentle, and the person I was kissing was very fragile and very beautiful, though I've never seen them before. Apparently it signifies self acceptance, realisation of a part of yourself, the realisation of anima or animus depending on which sex you are. That could be a very positive thing, I don't think I have accepted the things about me that have changed, because I see them as backward steps, when really, it's not that I've changed, it's just that I've stopped pretending.

I came across the most exquisite phrases in the paper yesterday. You'll find beauty in the most unexpected places. And blank blank. What would I do without words.

All for a song.

'If I was your man, baby you'd
never worry about, what I do,
I'd be coming home, back to you
Every night, doing you right
You're the type of woman,
deserves a good things...
Baby you're a star,
I just want to show you, you are'

Aw. Mario's a smartypants.

You should let me love you

Desired things

It's good to think about what you really want sometimes. Get some new perspective. So here it goes:

The finkler question
Shoes without holes in them
A book-case
Good eyesight
A box
Socks
Clean room-mates
More time to read
To smile AND laugh every day
To be hugged every day
To feel safe!
To do something new and different every day- even if it's as small as taking a different route, or talking to someone unknown!
A.C. Grayling's books
To be closer to some people.
Sunshine mornings
To remember the names of old songs that I love.
To worry less.
To sing.
To fall asleep to the sound of rain
To express myself better.
To finally download iTunes onto my computer and put some new music on my iPod...
To dance!
To be happy
To be whisked away, to somewhere with a warmer climate
To have Fun.
To see you Move Like Jagger. That would be nice.

Doesn't it scare you,

Your will is not as strong as it used to be.

Oh, but no more. Lately, I've actually just been annoying myself with my lack of ability to stand up for myself, take care of myself, protect myself. Nobody else is going to, so why am I wasting my time?

Here we go.

Us

'I don't mean like, roman candle, firework, hollywood, hot pink love, I mean like, I got your back, love!'

Conversation.

Ooft.

You word me and it's beautiful
And I'm left waiting for the next
Exquisitely written notion
As though our minds are synchronised
To the same rise and fall in thought
And when the conversation is over
So are we.

Like the ending to a perfect song
Rapture exists in a fleeting movement
in the transition from one chord to the next
an arpeggio of ideas, flowing
and coming to a complete, satisfied stop
The cadence, the punctuation.

It's uncomplicated, there's no room
for personal trifles, angry silences
the things we speak of are so
steeped in tragedy, in reality
that refuses to apologise for what it is

We have no time for judgements,
attraction, pursuit, lusty endeavours
too caught up in the fire that grows
in our bellies and our minds

Thinking all the time.
Feeling beyond you and me.
Bigger than just you and me and us.
Goodbye. Goodbye. Until next time.
Until we rally for something huge.
Until then, goodbye.


And I'll sign off with a song for a change (though I only really have 2 avid readers, tops, but that's okay, I'll keep on writing :P )
So this is for my family- by birth and by friendship.
And for you Ami :) Given I'm freezing here in in Canberra...
When It's Cold Outside...

Love, love and more love.

Standing on the edge of the world.

let's go back to something i said yesterday
i've avoided capitalising, because i feel very small

there's nothing more attractive than passion
and in that case, there's nothing less attractive
or more dehumanising than apathy
if we're truly human we have to care about the situations around us
if we're honest about entering into a profession characterised by empathy, we have to make that a part of our lives
we have to stand up

its amazing, and it makes me inspired
to see the show of hands on mediums like facebook, or twitter,
by young people willing to at least recognise what's going on
i could rattle off a list of wars and inequalities, but there wouldn't be much point

i think, at one stage as a teenager, i remember feeling angry
that the mistakes of the generations before us have somehow come to sit upon our shoulders.
i wondered, is that fair, really? we weren't close to legal adulthood when the millenium goals came knocking and quietly demanded that we listen
but now, i'm a little wiser, with more worries than i could have anticipated
the worries and the years haven't risen in parallel, but that's okay
the point is, no matter how important day to day obligations are, and no matter how many more people we become answerable to (our bosses, our parents, friends, partners, spouses and children), we can't, like those before us, forget the importance of the greater world around us.

i don't know how realistic that is, i haven't yet come that far. but i know i am going to try. the meaning of life isn't that difficult, give and take fears about religion, spirituality and life after death.

but while you are alive:
-love. just do it, with as much abandon as you can muster. sure, you're going to get hurt (very very very hurt), but everything you have to offer the world stems from love. you have to run with your arms outstretched, for as long as you can.

-forgive. especially the small things, and the things from the past. if ive learnt anything, its that more often than not, a person should be judged for the actions NOW. right now, in the present moment. you're past does make up who you are, yes, but we all make mistakes. we cant grow from them if we're not allowed to forget them. some things are inexcusable, some things you cant forgive.

-be determined. we all go through phases of floating, confusion, lack of direction. that's fine, it's important and its likely to be an ongoing undercurrent throughout life. but you have to aim for something. i dont mean climbing up the corporate ladder to get into the highest tax bracket. i mean, having some kind of destination in mind, something useful you hope to achieve for the betterment of the world.

Beware those who seek constant crowds, they are nothing alone.

You will fall in love with the most unexpected people.

You will fall in love, with people who Care.

There is nothing more attractive in another person than passion, of the non-lustful kind.

You WILL surprise yourself.

Trust yourself. 'You're the only person you have to live with your whole life. Don't hurt yourself to spare someone else's feelings.' BLord.

Your first impressions are often wrong, but your gut feeling is always right. If you meet someone and your soul is screaming 'NO! NO! WEIRDO! NO!' Don't got there and save yourself the heartache.

You've got to put a limit on the number of chances you're willing to give.
'You give him one more chance, just like the time before. But he already knows, you'd give a hundred more. Until one night in bed, you wake up in a sweat, you're racing through the door, can't take it anymore.' -Alicia Keys

About 10 people are truly worth it, and they'll stand by you despite your differences, squabbles and distance. Actually, experience says they are often the people who you had INITAL differences with. They are awesome.

'You're not crazy. You're right. Everyone else is crazy. That sounds crazy. It isn't.' 6peoplecrammedinto1

'Never apologise for being real' Lupe Fiasco

The first thing I've ever reblogged.

I discovered the most incredible blog I have ever seen.

And I found this. And I think it's important, so I'm sharing. Please read.

'I was shooting a scene in my new film, No Strings Attached, in which I say to Natalie Portman,

“If you miss me. you can’t text, you can’t email, you can’t post it on my Facebook wall. If you really miss me, you come and see me.”

I began to think of all of the billions of intimate exchanges sent daily via fingers and screens, bouncing between satellites and servers. With all this texting, emailing, and social networking, I started wondering, are we all becoming so in touch with one another that we are in danger of losing touch?

It used to be that boy met girl and they exchanged phone numbers. Anticipation built. They imagined the entire relationship before a call ever happened. The phone rang. Hearts pounded. “Hello?” Followed by a conversation that lasted two hours but felt like two minutes and would be examined with friends for two weeks. If all went well, a date was arranged. That was then.

Now we exchange numbers but text instead of calling because it mitigates the risks of early failure and eliminates those deafening moments of silence. Now anticipation builds. Bdoop. “It was NICE meeting u” Both sides overanalyze every word. We talk to a friend, an impromptu Cyrano: “He wrote nice in all caps. What does that mean? What do I write back?” Then we write a response and delete it 10 times before sending a message that will appear 2 care, but not 2 much. If all goes well, a date will be arranged.

Whether you like it or not, the digital age has produced a new format for modern romance, and natural selection may be favoring the quick-thumbed quip peddler over the confident, ice-breaking alpha male. Or maybe we are hiding behind the cloak of digital text and spell-check to present superior versions of ourselves while using these less intimate forms of communication to accelerate the courting process. So what’s it really good for?

There is some argument about who actually invented text messaging, but I think it’s safe to say it was a man. Multiple studies have shown that the average man uses about half as many words per day as women, thus text messaging. It eliminates hellos and goodbyes and cuts right to the chase. Now, if that’s not male behavior, I don’t know what is. It’s also great for passing notes. there is something fun about sharing secrets with your date while in the company of others. think of texting as a modern whisper in your lover’s car.

Sending sweet nothings on Twitter or Facebook is also fun. in some ways, it’s no different than sending flowers to the office: You are declaring your love for everyone to see. Who doesn’t like to be publicly adored. Just remember that what you post is out there and there’s some stuff you can’t un-see.

But the reality is that we communicate with every part of our being, and there are times when we must use it all. When someone needs us, he or she needs all of us. There’s no text that can replace a loving touch when someone we love is hurting.

We haven’t lost romance in the digital age, but we may be neglecting it. In doing so, antiquated art forms are taking on new importance. The power of a hand-written letter is greater than ever. It’s personal and deliberate means more than an email or text ever will. It has a unique scent. It requires deciphering. But, most important, it’s flawed There are errors in handwriting, punctuation, grammar, and spelling that show our vulnerability. And vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, “This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more importantly, all that I am not.”

—
Ashton Kutcher

1 degree celsius

I see you like to talk,
I hear you baby.
Claiming you're a bad beast,
Show me baby.

I'm so cold,
Yeah I need a hot tottie.