1/11/11

We all grow old and numb
You walked away and left me crying
repeating to myself 'i used to be so raw'
thinking the problem was only you

But we all grow old and numb
Shelve away our tattered dreams and
Accept our new realities, with hope
Or fear, with grounded mistrust in everything

You can't wear your heart
on torn sleeves, ripped apart by
bureaucratic bullies, breaking you with subtlety
Understanding now, what they meant

When your parents said 'the big bad world'
It's all downhill from here on in
Disaster sewn into a pre-written sequence
study, career, marriage, children, unhappiness, death.

Or maybe this is momentary.
I'll probably wake up tomorrow with a song in my heart and wind beneath my wings.
And if not, I am a master of pretence.

Don't get too comfortable.

I'm not comfortable.

I'm uncomfortable.

But it's really not the worst thing.

I'm about to jump into the deep end.

And I'm not going to sink.

I'm going test myself and the life I've built.

Putting our hand-made boat into the water,

We're all going to float.



But for now, J. Holiday can put me to bed

We're just ordinary people.

I'm not sure where your draw a line between weakness and hope. You would think that the courage hope takes would automatically draw it away from weakness, but that's just not true. Hope often travels with ignorance.

I never would have realised,
if time and time again,
the wrong person hadn't arrived
at the perfectly right time
and told me that everything would be okay.

If I hadn't caught myself
laughing in the middle
of the wet, winter streets, joy
despite the fact that everything
had slowly started to go wrong.

Because, ultimately I remember me
and I'll start all over again
I fell asleep, deciding, you
would call all the shots from here on in
It doesn't make sense.

I can't face myself just yet
but it's just easier, isn't it
to just admit you were wrong
dont take a moment to hesitate
dont realise the lie before you've said it.

It's easier than having to explain
to legions of people who
couldn't really give a damn
but for some reason, to whom
you are held accountable
for whom you will continue to bend.

'We look at each other wondering what the other is thinking, but we never say a thing.'




- I wrote this over 4 months ago. I'm posting it today. A reminder not to allow History to repeat itself.

I wanna get closer to you, baby.

I've had my fair share of fate tunes.

It's funny how songs called 'Closer' seem to find a place in my head/heart.

When I was 15/16 it was Closer by Ne-Yo. Not much to say, except that I once danced with a boy at the school dance to this song, and I remember feeling very nervous and somewhat confused. It was either this, or 'Because of you.' Either way, I was nervous.
I do love Ne-Yo though, but I'm quite certain I didn't fully understand the song at the time.

When I was 17/18 it was Closer by Travis. This song still hurts sometimes to listen to, because it reminds me of a person I used to be. I miss her sometimes, and I'm not always sure if I'm on the right trajectory, but I'm content with who I've become, most days. I've had rose-coloured notions about love and what that means, immature ones too.
break my heart what does it matter i knew love.
Oh no wait, I'm all broken, and I cry all the time.
fuck.
I think that can only happen once. Or at the very least, I hope it only happens once.

But this one reminds me of summer days, sunshine, sitting beneath trees and laying on the beach.
It reminds me of freedom, love, passion and beautiful, new people (who have now become beautiful, comfortable people).
It makes me close my eyes and sway, and become totally lost for a few minutes.
Closer by Corinne Bailey Rae

Lost Romance

Change is a great thing, usually I embrace it with open arms. But this time I'm a little concerned.

It's fair to accept that others may not care about what's important to you- but that doesn't mean you should forsake those things for that reason.

On another topic- I went to an old friend's place tonight, and I realised something. We've turned out alright. Not amazing, but alright. We're pretty blessed, and we've been lucky. That said, I've done stupid things here and there- and almost ignored my own sense of morality because that was easy at the time. But the reality is, there are some things that aren't for me- drinking, and flirting with danger might be exciting but they aren't for me. I'm not sure they're for anyone, really. It's not even a matter of grappling with temptation- I'm just not tempted. Perhaps that's indicative of a lack of spontaneityor excitement(????) but I can probably think of 100 ways I'd rather spend my time.

The simpler you make life, the better it will be.

I have decided to turn off my phone, turn off facebook, and turn off the endless stream of voices around me as often as I can. It's sad that I hardly read, or write, or even read the newspaper. And, surrounded by busy, connected people makes that difficult sometimes, but it's important for my own peace of mind.

Lifestyle change, here I come!

Nadia

I'm listening to Nitin Sawhney

And I'm struggling

To put words down on paper

The biological treatment of Rheumatoid Arthritis

It makes me tired to even think about it

Dream catcher.

I'm awake.

She moves towards me slowly
a girl with voluminous eyes
and a smile I've never seen in this life
a smile that says 'i know you'
I've never seen her
She would be unrecognisable to me
And I am at ease
she places her soft lips against mine
I feel light, comforted
the room is illuminated with splendid light
I am being.

The edge of my bed
a bright green snake, floats towards me
swaying in line with my terrified eyes
It always ends this way. Yesterday, the day before,
I'm always waiting for the kill
but tonight it finally strikes,
A rush of immense pain, but suddenly
we both realise, there's nothing
devoid of poison, bloody fang marks on my hand
We're both still alive and puzzled.
We're all alive and puzzled.