English, Rahul Bose and The Jezabels.

So, UNSW Artsweek is about to kick off.

And, drowning in medical jargon and the ethics of a smoking ban, I have found solace staring at the Bachelor of Arts English courses. The more time I spend at uni, the more I have come to realise that studying English and Music in high school kept me sane. I think we all have a thing that keeps our minds clear and creative energy flowing. I have huge huge huuge respect for creative people who can think outside the box and pursue risky pathways for the sake of beauty and truth. And most of the people I have met this year are multitalented. On one hand this makes me realise, there are probably many things one can decide to dedicate their life to. But then again, what's stopping you or me or anyone from pursuing countless things that bring happiness or fulfilment.

Identity doesn't just originate from profession, or qualifications or success. And I genuinely believe that being a loving human being is more important than hitting your head when you get to the top of the ladder. There are a lot of people in this world that prioritise their lives differently, and that's fine, but often instead of getting through my List of Things To Do, I find myself in hours of conversation with people (and yes, that's partly in an effort to prolong procrastination efforts). But it's amazing how much a person will tell you if they feel you're present. And the ability to put your faith and trust into anyone is an equally amazing thing. A friend said to me 'it frightens me, being so emotionally naked.' But it's so important to feel real trust and companionship in your life. It makes days fuller, and breaks walls and hurt and deep pain that so many people bury inside them.

At the core of life are a few things; love, fear, pain, joy, and change. But like John Mayer says, The Heart Of Life is good. And I don't see how, so long as we do good and try hard and be proactive, life won't be equally good. Obviously there are those things we can't control... but waking up each day with determination is a good way to make sure you go to bed with satisfaction (George Lorimer). And having people around you who love and respect your choices and your life and pretty important too. I feel blessed for the people in my life because they make life seem tangible, they give it spark! and pizzaz and a sprinkling of condiments.

There's a guy I admire a lot, a free spirit, writer, actor and do-gooder and his name is Rahul Bose. He once did a fabulous interview and said many things I agree with and find to be inspiring, the link for which is HERE. One quote I particularly like is this: 'I live because I'm up for the next day, because I'm hoping my soul would evolve a little bit from the previous day.' I like that idea of evolution of the soul. It means we're not simply existing and doing things out of necessity, but that each day is contributing to a greater goal. I don't know what the meaning of life is, I'm not sure it can be defined, but surely getting closer to the best human being you can be is a pretty good goal, while still acknowledging the inevitable flaws and mistakes we all have/make.

And after a splurging of thoughts... today's song. 'Hurt Me' by The Jezabels.

Kavi.

प्रेम

In Love

Our Vibrant Eyes

Young, Open, Unafraid.

Tip-toe from night to morning

I miss being awake like this. In another time, this is when I would compose, music, words, anything. Nocturnality brings with it a different energy.

Living in a block of student apartments, it's rare to see the majority of lights from the rooms opposite mine turned off.

And in a city that never sleeps, rarer still to feel like you are the only one awake, experiencing the sky at it's darkest. Ungodly hours that few trespass upon on a Tuesday morning.

And as always, there is a song.

Blinding

I'm not sure if it's possible for the sky to be so devoid of shades, viscous and enthralling that is seems blinding in it's darkness. But that's how it seems.

Lately I've been thinking a lot, falling into the trap of overthinking at times and this night-air clarity comes at the right time. Everyone goes through second-guessing, insomnia, sleeplessness, exhaustion, regret. We all exist in our little pools of pain, and sadness at times. Darkness has always carried with it, negative connotations, the absence of light symbolic of the absence of God. A remnant of death... a reminder perhaps that there are times when all we are enveloped by is our own uncertainty- clinging, syrupy blackness.

But darkness brings silence, and empty hours that can be filled alone, whether that be within our dreaming minds or awake amongst books and thoughts. Hours stolen during daylight interacting in the lives of others and weaving our paths closer and closer together, with the night our only time of loneliness. And sometimes you need to be alone.

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone

No more calling like a crow, for a boy, for a body in a garden

No more dreaming like a girl, so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl, so in love with the wrong world.

The Prince and Princess.

Ok. So I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be in bed, sleeping or studying. But I just came across an old song that I love. Love love love. To the point where I have listened to it on repeat on several occasions. I also have a wonderful room-mate with an equally wonderful boyfriend and together they make up one of the cutest couples I have ever seen (and this song reminds me of them). And I realise it sounds like I'm gushing, but, I spent the whole day feeling sick and useless and this is a welcome change. So, topics of the night: John Legend and 'The art of romance' (in films)

John Legend is an underrated gem... he writes some of the most beautiful, uplifting music with accompanying lyrics that are sweet, simple and realistic. Take 'Ordinary people' for example. It's honest, he doesn't pretend relationships run smoothly like electric trains. But at the same time, it's romantic.

The song I've been listening to is 'Each day gets better' (also, if ever you see a song name, it's a link to Youtube. Which reminds me of the funniest chem class I ever had, involving two dumb boys, a U-tube and a faulty tap, but that's a different story) I pretty much love all of it, except the bridge. Which is odd for me, because I'm usually a person who will listen to an entire song just for the bridge.

Now... on to romance. See, the unfortunate thing is, the term has become part of the definition of 'cheesy' because of all the sucky 'romance novels' and 'romantic comedies' (though, there are a whole bunch of rom-coms that I love, I won't lie).

A list of movie romances:
1. Jack and Rose standing at the stern of the boat with Celine Dion serenading them into a passionate love affair with a catastrophic end (I was on a boat yesterday. The stern is where the smokers go. Yay for passive smoking. Damn you Hollywood!!!! *shakes fist*)
2. Crazy intense I-I-I-I WILL AAAALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUUUUU type of romance(Whitney Houston has an impressive larynx) Which I'm not so sure about... on one hand it kind of feaks me out, but on the other I have to wonder if everybody goes through a little bit of it? ie. Romeo and Juliet, or Moulin Rouge
3. Odd/Funny romance- I'm thinking guitars, poetry, tic-tacs in the mail (anything from Juno), m'n'm pizzas (the princess diaries) random things that nobody understands (but not weird, creepy things)
4. Teenage backseat/in the hallways/infuriating parents/raucous parties/nerds and jocks/excessive hormones romance (that isnt really romance at all) that should never leave high school (and should really not be made anymore because there are too many crappy ones to choose from already)
5. Bollywood romance. It used to be drama, music, drama, music, fancy clothes, sincere and uncomplicated love. But's it's evolved over the years to something pretty tangible and realistic. Watch 'Wake up Sid' for a good example. Arthouse Bollywood is amazing and completely different but I'll have to dedicate a post to that later. PS. One of my favourite scenes EVER is from Monsoon Wedding, when the builder/decorator gives the maid a heart made from marigolds. They are the greatest couple in that movie.
6. Classics- Notting Hill, Pretty Woman, My best friend's wedding (woah that's a lot of Julia Roberts), The Wedding Singer, When Harry Met Sally

And that's my list for now. The truth is, I'm exhausted and this cold is catching up with me again and draining any mental dexterity I had left. A day of movie marathon-ing and chilli-hot chocolates would be great, but... not possible. Sigh.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better!

Kavi :)

Lead me into a thundering crescendo

Life is kicking off.

Someone handed me a pair of wings, I can't even tell you when, but I find myself attempting flight. I'm incredibly shaky... often I feel like I lose control, or my engines shut down and I come dangerously close to colliding with the stable earth.

Good music to listen to in this state of mind- Florence and the Machine (click on it! It's a link :D ). Her voice blows me away, and the melody always leads into a climax... and I swear my heart starts to beat faster and faster. In fact, I'd be willing to take out my gorgeous new Steth just to make sure :)

But anyway. There's a new crazy feeling. I think, an awareness of being alive. Not sure if this has arisen from listening to the sound of people's hearts beating... it probably has. If anything, Med has taught me just how hard our bodies work to keep us alive... so why not live?

Unfortunately there are always constraints... like duty, compromise, the need for money, not having unlimited freedom, and society's expectations. But you know what? I don't think I care. And I know, it's going to be put down to the Youth Insanity Streak, but at least when I look back, I will know I lived with passion. And I don't mean freedom in the sense where I live wild, without conscience or basic conscientiousness. My mother always told me something her father told her: Freedom does not mean freedom of the wild ass. And today perhaps I understand what that means. For me that means, it's not freedom to stay out all night, get intoxicated/high/inebriated/unconscious, challenge anything and everything because you can, or act without due thought.

It's having the luxury of time, the freedom to be anything you want to, and a chance to take the world in your hands and give it new shape. It's feeling drunk with possibility. I might be naively idealistic, but I do think our generation has the power to generate change. And I think it's important to have that hope, otherwise we may as well commit ourselves to dissatisfaction and settling for second best. Well, I say no. I don't want second-best. I want to look out the window and look into the world and feel empowered. And I may well come out on the other side, bitter and cynical. But I'll be damned if I start out that way.

Ultimately, I'm going to take a leap, and hope my wings can hold me up, long enough for me to feel what it is to Fly.

This one's for you Laura :)

Mr. Mayer's Musical Magic.

Well this one has been a long time coming, and I fully intended to write a post about Home and holidays. But there have been a lot of thoughts buzzing around in my mind lately, and if there's anything I dislike it's that feeling of confusion. It starts stagnant, then begins to boil and become volatile.

Clarity. It's a beautiful word and a beautiful song by John Mayer (who I am going to talk about properly soon!)

Ever since I was a young kid, I've stayed awake at night to write my senseless thoughts on pieces of paper, scraps, receipts, anything really. There were times I wrote on my own arms, to remind myself of something that felt incredibly important in the morning. I can imagine being given a bare room and filling the walls with words and colours and expression. It may sound silly, but I often wish I could express the sound of music, and the way melodies and harmonies can change how I feel.

Which brings me to John Mayer. I know, I know, for all intents and purposes, he is believed to be a 'douche,' and has done a lot of things that can be described as stupid. And while I have wondered around before, profusely promising anyone that would listen, that one day I would marry him, my perspective has changed. And not because of the disasterous Playboy interview...

It occured to me, Love isn't wanting to be with someone because you idolise them, or because they can express what you're thinking or feeling. It's not even that feeling of intense connection because two people have shared similar experiences, though that helps to understand others.

And I guess that's what I think love is. The ability to understand someone, their fears, irrationalities, hopes, sadness, despair. To even understand that they don't want you, didn't, couldn't or can't. Or that once they've had their time with you, they may well walk out of your life, and that you will have to accept that.

I'm not a Buddhist, but there's a lot of sense behind the whole idea of detachment, detached love and kindness. I used to think this branch of thought was just Cold. How can you Love someone, and look upon them with detachment, without feeling intense hurt, or pain, or even joy? For now the answer is, because that makes Love. Chances are my mind will change again, or I'll discover some other explanation. It's not too important, because everyone knows, nobody knows what love really is. I can however, quite happily say that I have known love. We have been good friends. We've had fantastic arguments, and we've built walls and avoided each other. There's been a lot of doubt. But Love is always there.

And the reason I admire (Note: admire, not love, or lust over, or secretly want in my bedroom) John Mayer is because he has that ability to express things beautifully in his words and his song. And that's something I truly truly wish I could sit and dedicate my life to developing and fine-tuning. Unfortunately, thus far life hasn't granted me the chance to sit in a recording studio and make enough money to put bread (or rice) on the table. That's not to say, I may not just wake up one day and choose a fork in the road. However, Life has given me plenty of other, wonderful things. And when I hear music, particularly Mr. Mayer's I am reminded that beauty exists, and that no matter how loud the buzzing is inside my mind, moments of clarity, and freedom, and happiness are around the corner.

As I sit here typing this, I have been listening to my favourite Musician. And as always, he leaves me feeling content and hopeful. I like that :) And so dear reader, I plan on sleeping now, having drained my mind of tonight's thoughts. If you are curious about Mr. Mayer's Musical Magic, ask me and I shall link a few songs that are not well-known but wonderful nonetheless.

Goodnight :)

A quote I quite like: 'Approach Love and Cooking with Wreckless Abandon' The Dalai Lama

Houses

Well, the world cup is over.

But, I am not a sports fanatic or enthusiast, so that's not of much interest. There are some things about sport I do like though, namely, magical fortune-telling octopus' and how sport brings people together, acts as a kind of glue, of shared passion or ambition. Watching Invictus made me gain a new appreciation for Rugby...which is actually an amazing feat. I also loved Coach Carter, but that could have had something to do with the fact that they quoted Nelson Mandela, and that's one of my favourite quotes to date.

I guess Music acts the same way, as do books, films, ideals, religion, hopes, dreams, despair and grief. The basis of all our relationships, are shared interests, ideas, beliefs and actions. Sometimes you find enough things in common, to create a big concrete foundation. And then we build our house of dreams. But anyone that's been in property development knows, it's not viable to invest into too many places at once. Not if you want quality.

So we build a few houses in our lifetime. And sometimes things go horribly wrong. Like, just as the roof-tiles are going up, some madman comes around with a huge chainsaw and cuts the supporting beams into teeny tiny wedges, so the whole house sits on an awkward slant, or falls to pieces.

And at this point, you may be wondering, what's with the House simile?? For about two years, the house next door to ours has been under construction... A great big house. And for years, I've thought about the importance of Foundations. At my high-school, we used to celebrate the day the foundations of the first building of our school were laid, about 11 years ago. Foundation Day. And I think that may even be more important than celebrating the day the buildings were completed.

Because once you create a Foundation, your intentions are clear. And so long as they're strong and straight and made from good materials, that same madman can come around with his axe again and again, and you'll still be able to rebuild. Torrential floods can sweep away your furniture and light-fittings and turn it all into debris, but those are just the additional things. And so, when it comes to the day that I have to go and choose bricks, and tiles, and wallpaper, you may well see me sitting on the ground admiring a bag of concrete.

Love, Kavi

PS. Over the past few days I've been running around with a camera, taking photos to show you my beautiful Canberran life. Look out for the next post :)