Back To You.

So, after the madness that is Medshow (which was brilliant, btw) and a day of semi-study I find the same old demons resurfacing. Oddly enough, I haven't properly listened to music in weeks. Maybe even a month.

Which, for me is pretty much unnatural. Recently a friend said to me 'you LOVE music, you revel in it, live it, it's a part of you' So perhaps I've been away from myself for a little while. And while I was gone, I experienced old fears (which is frightening, let me assure you) and came to new realisations. I had a weird morning, consisting of sleep, partial sleep, a phone call, sad sleep, and then waking up wondering if it was all a dream.

Back again at the point where I ponder. And my ultimate destination is unknown, but at some point, my mental path will traverse upon Love. What is it? Studying the brain, I can tell you where emotions originate, the areas of the brain important for abstract thought and personality, but I cannot tell you what love is made of. They say oxytocin is important. The hugging hormone released in a mother's body as her child is born, and released after sex, supposedly instrumental to emotional bonding. Obviously that's not all... physical contact is probably one of the most basic components of love, but there is strength of heart that extends beyond the human world. How do you explain people's undying faith in a cosmic force that they will never be tangible to them while they live?

God. Sometimes I'm convinced there's something out there. Because when I listen to love songs, it's not always the face of a significant other than comes before me. 'You've got the Love I need to see me through.' What does that mean for me? My mum, my best friend, my boyfriend? I'm not sure it's any of those three. For a little while I thought it meant me and my own strength, but I don't see how my own love will get me through anything. I've always believed myself to be pretty self-sufficient. It's a security you get from knowing you don't need anyone. But is that true? Really, at the core of silence, loneliness and being. Is it weak to admit you need love to feel whole? And love from who? Maybe the security that comes with faith in religion is the feeling that there is someone or something out there who loves you when nobody else does. Maybe it prevents that feeling of loneliness. And I don't mean, it's quiet and nobody is here loneliness. I mean the feeling that no matter who strays across your path, ultimately you walk through life alone and the fears in your own heart cannot be consolidated by anyone but you.

What lies as the basis of detachment? Why do I find myself with unanswerable questions. There was a time where I was happy to fill my heart and head and existence with the presence of other people, and didn't consider alternatives. But the sum of experience made me grow, for better or worse I'm not entirely sure.

If I could spend the next week, month, year, lifetime figuring it out and falling into the swirls, patterns and pictures in my head I would, but life calls. So I leave you with four things:
1. The word 'sumptuous'
2. Back To You- John Mayer
3. Don't I Hold You- Wheat
4. Gravity- Sarah Bareilles

Natural Woman.

I have always admired women with big, pure voices. And I think this is a wonderful take on a classic song, originally sung by Aretha Franklin. Natural Woman by Mary J. Blige. I think there's a lot of power and strength in the word 'woman,' and lately it's been interesting to think of what separates girlhood and womanhood. Britney Spears seemed to be stuck somewhere in the middle... (there is so much bad music out there), but the feminine, though classically described as fragile, soft and sweet also asserts a deep sense of strength and steadiness. This reminds me of a poem I chose to analyse in Minority studies in year 11, entitled 'The woman thing', written by Audre Lorde, an incredible woman who described herself as a 'black, feminist, lesbian, poet, warrior.'

The poem is incredibly provocative and forewarning. History has not been kind to women, and certainly, the trend of the downtrodden sex continues in the world- female genital mutation, and female infanticide as prime social examples. And while I have been blessed to be given equal opportunity, whenever I asked for it, it's hard to ignore the realities of other people's existences. A lot of people look upon Feminism as a purely aggressive social revolution, aimed at hurting the collective male ego, and venting frustration upon Male-kind. But I think if you only look a little bit further, it's evident how neccessary the feminist movement was in giving women a voice and how important it continues to be in a cultures and nations that are still on the road to liberation.

I admire strong people with social conscience and willingness to make change, whether they be male or female, and I have great respect for the women AND men involved in the feminist movements of the past. This year, while voting (something I really did not want to do), I remembered how hard people have had to struggle to gain any kind of democratic rights, and I felt ashamed of myself. It's easy to get caught in middle-class morality- where those in power are solely blamed for the inadequacies of our society, but then more important to remember that we have been given opportunities to make change.

It's incredibly easy to become entangled in day-to-day life. We worry about work, success, money, our satisfaction, our relationships, our happiness, our health. After all that, who really has time to worry about the rest of the world? I've always struggled with the idea of sacrifice, often told that you can't keep everyone happy. Essentially, choose a career path (which will lead you to unknown destinations, take up your time and emotional space) or choose your family, friends, the people that love you, and focus on their happiness. Either way you're going to be a little dissatisfied, and I see no reason why you can't do both, and make it work successfully. Or at least, that's what I hope to do.

Next year, I have tentative plans to hold a screening of 'Walk to Beautiful', probably at UNSW, to raise money for Catherine Hamlin's foundation (another amazing Australian woman who has been named the Mother Theresa of our generation). Still trying to figure out the details, but in essence, it's a documentary about the lives of fistula patients in Ethiopia, and their journey to recovery, and something I've wanted to do for about a year and a half now. So, armed with inspiration and plans, I march into the week ahead!

Love, and all those other good things (like cupcakes)

Kavi :)

ps. Come to Medshow.

I love the prowess in the things that you do.

So... It's already TP4.

Where the heck did the last 6.5 months go?!

To be honest, I'm finding the prospect of 3.5 months holidays a little sad. Uni is too much fun. Especially on gorgeous, sunny days like this one. That said, 3.5 months of Summer promises road trips, time to read books, learn guitar, and grow ignorant to the stress of exams, only to be whacked across the head by heavy textbooks and terminology once again in March '11.

Back to the present for a moment. Ageings and Endings- sounds pretty depressing to say the least. But! Compared to Canberra's standards, it's pretty much Summer already, which surely makes up for it! Basically, it's ice cream weather... what could possibly be better? Studying is going to be a pain, mostly because all I want to do now is sit outside in the Sunshine and listen to happy music, such as this song: Loving You

Not many people seem to know about Paolo Nutini, I guess he didn't really hit the big time in Australia in a massive way. However!! He has a fairly sexy voice, and interestingly, is a Scottish lad with Italian heritage. You gotta love cross-cultural conjugation. I heard Jenny Don't Be Hasty a few years ago, and recently bought his first album. Listen to New Shoes, and Last Request if you like what you hear.

His lyrics aren't particularly poetic, but the way he phrases certain lines and incorporates them into rhythm and melody is pretty cool. And if you're listening to the song, hopefully the seemingly irrelevant title makes more sense. He's got a funky, jazzy thing going on. Recently, I've been thinking about music composition, something I haven't done in years, sadly. Contemplating picking up a couple theory books (ewwww) and going through chords and modulations again, just so I don't forget my stuff.

Also, last night was our first Tech Viewing for medshow, which was amazing! Though, I spent half the time watching the band, and missing our 'Burgmann Anglican School Rock Band' like crazy. It's been at least 9 months since I've had to do a souncheck and attempt to fix dodgy mics and amps. However, being involved in Medshow has been a lot of fun and given me a chance to focus on something other than Med. Which reminds me, time to sign up for Arts :D

Anyway, that's my spiel for now :) Also, yesterday was chuffed to learn that people I don't even know are readers of the blog!

Hope this teaching period proves to be satisfying and not-so-stressful.
Kavi

A particularly nice line from Jenny Dont Be Hasty- I'm deftly waiting for you to smile, and change your mind. Then I'll say I'm sorry and I'll wrap my arms around your body, I really hope you forgive in a hurry and don't just ask me to leave. Tried singing it... only sounds good with a male voice. Damn.

Sadness.

In Everything is Illuminated, Brod counts 613 sadnesses. Some of them are startling. Sadness of looking in the mirror, Sadness of your parents knowing you are sad. I'm not sure I can think of 613. But there are new sadnesses I have discovered this year. I do not think sadness is a bad thing. I think it is important. It gives me another layer to add to my soul. It's part of a holistic human experience, I guess.

Genius is borne out of sadness, a lot of the time. I think I've been a little melancholy lately, but perhaps not sad. I don't seem to have time to be sad. But when I do, it can hit me like a tonne of bricks. I know a lot of people in my life who keep themselves crazily busy in a subconscious effort to ignore or avoid the things in life that make them cry. I'm not sure that it's wise to stick behind a veil all of the time. But then I guess, the last thing anyone wants is for their friends or family to see them sad. Other people's sadness is the hardest type to fix.

Sadness of:

• leaving
• arriving
• morning light
• ending
• dissatisfaction
• your loved one's sadness
• missing you
• history
• the future
• dents and missing shapes
• old photographs
• losing feeling
• comforting someone in despair
• realising you have grown
• love from too many people, too close and too far away
• detachment
• resignation
• dying fires
• remembering something long gone
• waiting
• acceptance

I feel there should be a summing up paragraph. But my feet are frozen.

Just keep swimming...

Here comes the 'i should be studying but i'm not' post.

Health Maintenance has been suprisingly satisfying, and I'm actually enjoying studying for the upcoming exam. That said.... no idea how successful I will be. But it's nice to be enjoying these few days as opposed to feeling thiiiiiiis close to a myocardial infarction.

So. While going through my room-mate's iTunes I found a bunch of golden tracks I'd forgotten about, or just don't have on my computer, which made me happy. Lots of Motown and Frank Sinatra and James Morrison AND Art Blakey. Thinking, I should go to 'Basement' sometime soon... also, I need to get reacquainted with Sid and my piano. Been missing music ever since I saw that jazz quartet play outside the library for UNSW open day.

Tonight I need to memorise about 50 different drugs, and that is not even a depressing thought.
So far, life as a 19 year old is going swimmingly well. For some reason, a lot of people don't use the word swimmingly. But I think it's a good word.

I also think it's funny how much today reminded me of berry. All blue skies and gusty wind, and a very empty university. Not feeling homesick exactly, but feeling ready to go home for a few days. Also... brainstormed a trip to Vietnam over the summer... a very tantalising idea.

Hope all is well and midsems/EOC go SWIMMINGLY :D

Love.

Frustrated sigh in words.

Ack. I feel a post coming on. Not enough time to write it. Kind of drowning in everyone's collective stress and slightly mercenary ambition. Kind of surprised I didn't see it coming.

Feeling constricted.
Need a night in my tree.
Soon enough, soon enough.

And then dog days will be over.

Feeling Drunk With Possibility (is only good in small doses)

Having endless choices and possibilities is not necessarily a good thing.

And tonight, I figured it out. Over the past few weeks, I've been doing group work, and one of our members is this amazingly chilled-out girl who's always on top of all her work, but has a life outside of uni, and a sense of humour.

There comes a point when you reach a desicion in your life, decide to do something, and then just stick with it and do it.

And when you live alone and are responsible for yourself (which is harder than I realise), and feel drunk with possibility and want to try everything, that's hard.

But after a few weeks of putting on weight and feeling unhealthy and not sleeping and not getting enough done, I get frustrated.

So, time to try something new? Routine? Ugh. Always hated the word, it made me think my life had crossed a border and moved into Boring Lane.

But maybe if you actually get stuff done, then spontaneity and fun times can be had without guilt?

Nothing like the insane timetables I draw up and never follow (because they are devoid of fun and not humanly possible), but trying out a little bit of responsibility and finding fulfillment in the life I have ultimately chosen for myself.

Because it's sad when you have a guitar sitting alone, waiting to be played, while you sit alone, thinking of all the things you should be doing, or should have done already so you CAN play that guitar and reach new heights of musical genius. Or bake yummy things. Or call up a friend in the middle of the night to watch The Lion King, without either of you remembering your list of Things to Do that is forever growing and never being achieved.

I turn 19 in a week. Pretty sure I should get a few things up to scratch by then. Because it's hard to give the best of yourself to your relationships, and to find time to relax and have fun, if you're not giving yourself your best. We're usually so good at fulfilling our obligations to others- whether that be our student, or group members, or family, but rarely give our best for our own sake.

One week to 19... and the adventure continues... with an awesome mathematical formula:

Kavita + Med + Happiness + Amazing people - Procrastination -Uncertainty -Stress = Super times