'Like all dreamers, I mistook disenchantment for truth'

The computer hums, it's not a comforting hum, it's an angry, machine hum, and I wonder if machines are ever going to be able to take over us, my hands looks quite beautiful as I'm typing, it's like a dance, that has been practised many many times. In fact, I'm sure the ability to type kind of trumps my ability to dance because I do it so often, and it's almost second nature. My little finger on the left hand is the laziest. It stands up tall, but does nothing. Then, again neither does the finger on my right, but at least it has the decency to stay down. I think, I'm probably most like the little finger on my right.
I don't agree with what's happening but occassionally I join it, don't I, because that's a little bit easier than sticking out like a sore thumb. Well, not a sore thumb, a haughty little finger.

Now I've stopped. Did you know I have burns on my wrists, from the places where my hands have rested against a hot computer. Reall, they're burns, they looks like shiny plastic things. I wonder if one day my whole body will burn. Well, I know it will one day, but I won't be able to experience it. Is it strange to look at death as though it's some kind of adventure. I know, it's from Harry Potter and all, but I don't think I was every afraid of dying. There was a time when I was paralysed with fear and pain at the thought of a) my mother dying and b) my parents not being together. Now I'm not afriad of either, just sad that one day, inevitably they will die. I don't think I will be alone, though. I've stopped feeling quite so alone. Not because there's an influx of people (though, sometimes it feels like I'm surroun...)

I was just interrupted by my dad, he asked me what I need. I gave him a list of things 'fruits, bread, toilet paper, moisturiser, tissues' but of course I don't really really need those things. Nobody ever asks you what you NEED. Everybody seems to need something from other people, I'm realising. It's easier once you know, to respond and mould yourself into whatever that may be.

Yesterday I took a personality test. No surprises, I'm ENFJ (Extraverted, iNuitive, Feeling, Judging)- An idealist teacher. I was sad I didn't get mastermind, but I know I don't fit the criteria. Apparently teachers are characterised by their ability to communicate with others and help them achieve a sense of fulfilment, fulfillmnet, flfillment, fulfillment. Funny I can't type it. And they're greatest weakness is their fear of conflict. Sounds to me like the doormat archetype. Stupid Jung. Well, no, stupid me, really. Oh, they blame themselves. And they are committed in love.

I was saying something before about dying, wasn't I? Oh yes. Feeling surrounded by people. I do sometimes. I'd like to run away for a few days. Somewhere warm, you see. Somewhere alone. Like I said, I don't mind being alone. I think I used to kind of fear it, well, not fear it, but not enjoy it, but that's probably because we reach our darkest thoughts and emotions alone. We allow ourselves to realise the things about ourselves, and others that we hate. We allow ourselves to feel hurt, disappointed, weak. Or at least what's the word, we admit to our weaknesses. And realise our desires aren't our true desires. And a whole host of other things. It's the feeling archetype, that disappointed me. But who am I kidding, I'm more likely to feel something than think something, though I'm pretty certain you can't do one without the other. It just means I'm never going to be a genius in the purely intellectual sense of the word.

I have these white lace curtains in my room, that act like a barrier between me and the outside. I can see through them, but people can't see me. I can stare out of them, as vulnerable and naked as can be, and nobody can see me. It's like the antithesis to voyeurism. Anyone who enjoys reading is the slightest bit voyeuristic, and somewhat preoccupied with finding themself, or making an effort to understand the world around them. My friend bought me a book the other day. Very randomly. 'Clown Doctors.' I think it's one of the nicest gifts I've ever received. Gift-giving is a kind of stupid custom, because it doesn't mean much now, though there's a shoebox full of the nicest things I've ever been given, and they are curious things. I won't say what they are, or who they are from, but I do love them, and I'm certain they're the only possessions I have that I value.

I dreamt of a kiss last night. I didn't remember it until hours after I woke up, but now it's on my mind and I can't get it out. Not because it made me aroused (I hate the word horny)or lonely or anything, it was just very strange and very gentle, and the person I was kissing was very fragile and very beautiful, though I've never seen them before. Apparently it signifies self acceptance, realisation of a part of yourself, the realisation of anima or animus depending on which sex you are. That could be a very positive thing, I don't think I have accepted the things about me that have changed, because I see them as backward steps, when really, it's not that I've changed, it's just that I've stopped pretending.

I came across the most exquisite phrases in the paper yesterday. You'll find beauty in the most unexpected places. And blank blank. What would I do without words.

All for a song.

'If I was your man, baby you'd
never worry about, what I do,
I'd be coming home, back to you
Every night, doing you right
You're the type of woman,
deserves a good things...
Baby you're a star,
I just want to show you, you are'

Aw. Mario's a smartypants.

You should let me love you

Desired things

It's good to think about what you really want sometimes. Get some new perspective. So here it goes:

The finkler question
Shoes without holes in them
A book-case
Good eyesight
A box
Socks
Clean room-mates
More time to read
To smile AND laugh every day
To be hugged every day
To feel safe!
To do something new and different every day- even if it's as small as taking a different route, or talking to someone unknown!
A.C. Grayling's books
To be closer to some people.
Sunshine mornings
To remember the names of old songs that I love.
To worry less.
To sing.
To fall asleep to the sound of rain
To express myself better.
To finally download iTunes onto my computer and put some new music on my iPod...
To dance!
To be happy
To be whisked away, to somewhere with a warmer climate
To have Fun.
To see you Move Like Jagger. That would be nice.

Doesn't it scare you,

Your will is not as strong as it used to be.

Oh, but no more. Lately, I've actually just been annoying myself with my lack of ability to stand up for myself, take care of myself, protect myself. Nobody else is going to, so why am I wasting my time?

Here we go.

Us

'I don't mean like, roman candle, firework, hollywood, hot pink love, I mean like, I got your back, love!'

Conversation.

Ooft.

You word me and it's beautiful
And I'm left waiting for the next
Exquisitely written notion
As though our minds are synchronised
To the same rise and fall in thought
And when the conversation is over
So are we.

Like the ending to a perfect song
Rapture exists in a fleeting movement
in the transition from one chord to the next
an arpeggio of ideas, flowing
and coming to a complete, satisfied stop
The cadence, the punctuation.

It's uncomplicated, there's no room
for personal trifles, angry silences
the things we speak of are so
steeped in tragedy, in reality
that refuses to apologise for what it is

We have no time for judgements,
attraction, pursuit, lusty endeavours
too caught up in the fire that grows
in our bellies and our minds

Thinking all the time.
Feeling beyond you and me.
Bigger than just you and me and us.
Goodbye. Goodbye. Until next time.
Until we rally for something huge.
Until then, goodbye.


And I'll sign off with a song for a change (though I only really have 2 avid readers, tops, but that's okay, I'll keep on writing :P )
So this is for my family- by birth and by friendship.
And for you Ami :) Given I'm freezing here in in Canberra...
When It's Cold Outside...

Love, love and more love.

Standing on the edge of the world.

let's go back to something i said yesterday
i've avoided capitalising, because i feel very small

there's nothing more attractive than passion
and in that case, there's nothing less attractive
or more dehumanising than apathy
if we're truly human we have to care about the situations around us
if we're honest about entering into a profession characterised by empathy, we have to make that a part of our lives
we have to stand up

its amazing, and it makes me inspired
to see the show of hands on mediums like facebook, or twitter,
by young people willing to at least recognise what's going on
i could rattle off a list of wars and inequalities, but there wouldn't be much point

i think, at one stage as a teenager, i remember feeling angry
that the mistakes of the generations before us have somehow come to sit upon our shoulders.
i wondered, is that fair, really? we weren't close to legal adulthood when the millenium goals came knocking and quietly demanded that we listen
but now, i'm a little wiser, with more worries than i could have anticipated
the worries and the years haven't risen in parallel, but that's okay
the point is, no matter how important day to day obligations are, and no matter how many more people we become answerable to (our bosses, our parents, friends, partners, spouses and children), we can't, like those before us, forget the importance of the greater world around us.

i don't know how realistic that is, i haven't yet come that far. but i know i am going to try. the meaning of life isn't that difficult, give and take fears about religion, spirituality and life after death.

but while you are alive:
-love. just do it, with as much abandon as you can muster. sure, you're going to get hurt (very very very hurt), but everything you have to offer the world stems from love. you have to run with your arms outstretched, for as long as you can.

-forgive. especially the small things, and the things from the past. if ive learnt anything, its that more often than not, a person should be judged for the actions NOW. right now, in the present moment. you're past does make up who you are, yes, but we all make mistakes. we cant grow from them if we're not allowed to forget them. some things are inexcusable, some things you cant forgive.

-be determined. we all go through phases of floating, confusion, lack of direction. that's fine, it's important and its likely to be an ongoing undercurrent throughout life. but you have to aim for something. i dont mean climbing up the corporate ladder to get into the highest tax bracket. i mean, having some kind of destination in mind, something useful you hope to achieve for the betterment of the world.