Resolutions and Revelations- Farewell 2010

Well.
It's been about a month since I last wrote, which is odd because November had me very blog-crazy. And my neglect isn't so much due to the ample time I now have and the fact that I no longer need a procrastination outlet, but also because I have needed time to think. The last few posts back there were getting a little bit haywire, with no head, tail, or middle really. Reading them back again made me realise I was lacking clarity. There is nothing that makes me feel more uncomfortable...

So I figure, it's best to start the new year with a clear mind. And after spending the afternoon cleaning to the sound of 'Where the Light Is' I'm feeling pretty ok.

I think 2010 has been one of, if not THE biggest year of my life. We were so wrong thinking year 12 was the ultimate struggle. This year has brought with it a lot of confusion, challenges, sadness, more confusion, love and friendship. It felt like one of those in-between years that aren't huge, but are hugely important in getting you to wherever you want to go.

Granted, I made a fair few mistakes, I do have regrets, but at the same time I learnt more about myself than I expected to, and I have learnt the importance of examining life a little bit closer at times, as well as the importance of ignoring finer details. I have learnt that hurting, and being hurt by those you love is an unfortunate inevitable reality, and you have to figure out how to deal with the aftermath. I have learnt that I need more guidance than I allow myself to think. I've learnt I can be alarmingly self-sufficient at times. I've experienced new kinds of loneliness, in the centre of a crowd, and in an empty room. I know I'm not quite there yet... but I'd like to think I'm on the right track. That, said, I'm nervous as all hell for what's to come, but quietly excited too.

So, for 2011, I have a few simple resolutions:
1. To be on time
2. To eat breakfast
3. To give myself space
and finally,
4. To smile

They aren't insane, and I reaaally hope I manage to stick to them especially the first one, but I think there's plenty of merit in taking baby steps.

So, good luck to all of you for all the years ahead. Let's hope 2011 brings fulfillment, happiness and love :)

Throw your mistempered weapons to the ground.

God the beauty of words. Of art. Of expression. There are films, scenes and songs that I will watch and listen to over and over again. Not for the sake of memory or repetition, but to be moved. To know that there is more than this day to day drudgery. To escape the mediocrity of existence when it becomes too difficult to examine insecurity and fear.

There's a part of me that just wants to create something beautiful, something thought-provoking, something so ugly in it's honesty.

Something to expose.
The flaws of humanity, the inevitable nature of death and the unpredictability of love.

The unstable and rocky terrain we build all our fragile little dreams on, in the hope that somehow, something will let it all hold together.

The reality is life will break you. It will happen suddenly, but it will be ongoing too. Life is not meant to be easy but everything that is flawed possesses something worthy of examination.

Just as the earth brings, hurricane, storm and unrest, it reveals clarity, brightness and colour.
Is that balance? Life and death, happiness and sadness, love and everything that is not love. Once you remove all the intensity and the passion and violent anger.
Once you remove even your fickle dreams and misgivings and old fears

In the end all we want is to
be satisfied.

We don't sleep when the sun goes down, we don't waste no precious time.

I just read something that worked like a blow across my entire body and I'm just a tad stunned. I'd put it here but I can't. It's amazing and frightening at the same time.

The thing is, I have to learn to trust my gut feeling. Intuition, whatever.
Actually that's the problem with a lot of people. You cut things down, rationalise them, justify your each and every individual action and then piece it together and all of the magic is gone.
Which isn't to say you sit around like a lazy schmuck and just do whatever comes to you without thinking about what it means or how it will affect those around you. Mindfulness perhaps? I don't know, I don't have the mental capacity to think about it too much right now.

I'm just saying. I should listen to myself more.

Anyway, new song (of many to come). Teenage Crime by Adrian Lux. Perfect for the current climate, and the theme song for Channel V's current ad. But I love it to pieces. A little piece of advice: If you feel like now is the time to call someone up after forever, DO it. You might find what you were looking for. You might not, I make no guarantees. But you won't lose anything.
I'm starting to step into the 'anything is possible' tornado and just seeing where that takes me. I feel like I have limited time as a young, carefree thing. I don't want to spend it in any kind of inner or outer turmoil. Life is too short for bullshit and it's far too short for games. It's too short to waste making other people happy in exchange for fake acceptance.

Time to be honest, a little reckless and to live with vitality and vibrance.

Illumination.

Today my state of carefree, summer-loving-ecstasy has been broken.
Well and truly.

And while I know that tomorrow I will again wake with hope and optimism, right now I need to bask in my own anger.

I know there is injustice in the world. I know there is a need for balance. I KNOW that I cannot change these things in my lifetime, on my own. I accept this, it no longer makes me feel depressed or hopeless or useless. But it still makes me angry. Ultimately, fuels me to grip onto my aspirations with all the strength I have. I clench my fists until nail marks are imprinted into my palms.

I was born in Kabwe Mine Hospital in Zambia, on the outskirts of Lusaka almost 20 years ago. I've had the fortune of being born to a good family, a financially stable family, two educated parents with incredible intelligence, opportunity and ability.

But if not? I would either be dead or in a state of suffering. And THAT is the reality that angers me. Lupe Fiasco described it as the rape of Africa. Settlers, colonised the countries they discovered, introduced 'progress', mined the land for all the riches they could find, and then left, leaving a history of brutality and apartheid, debris, instability and unrest.

And today when I searched for my birthplace, I found this: Kabwe- Africa's most toxic city.
Want to know why? Because years ago a massive lead-mining industry was set up. We all know the health issues associated with lead. But get this, the whole thing was completely unregulated until 1997- 3 years after the industry was shut down. And so now, all that's left is soil contamination, air pollution and children with 4-10 times the acceptable lead levels. And ok, just to clarify, the mines were government-run, so my previous rant about colonisation may not be exactly justifiable in this case BUT! The ridiculousness of the lack of regulation is.

Worse still is the lack of medical expertise available to these people, and testing resources. We live in a land of plenty. More than plenty. And I just remembered WHY I'm doing what I'm doing. And I feel stupid for my lack of awareness about these things. And sad. But mostly empowered. Reinforced empowerment.

Something like a Thankyou.

I realise I am blessed.

To have a bunch of people in my life who keep me from going crazy, or delving too deep into my own head, and who give me a bit of their time and hearts. And so to all of you, my new favourite (and it's a version you haven't heard before!)

Nothing On You

Love, Love, Love and More Love!

When your brain is fried from over-studying.

Today one of my study buddies went to the bathroom.

One hour later we realised she went to the male bathroom.

And did not realise. At all. Lucky nobody was in there with her.

Woah.

I'm just accumulating 21st stories this week.

Blurred lines between Night and Morning.

Well it's 3AM and it's been a while since I've been here (3AM by Matchbox 20)

So what better to do than to write? My head is swimming in medicine, as it does for one week, every 8 weeks in a semester. And, there's a bit of music, a bit of desire and a bit of unjustified satisfaction. So i'd say aside from the slight ache in my left temple, I'm pretty content.

I think I'm going to spend the Summer, or the next year, or the rest of my life seeing what makes me tick.
It occured to me today, I'm not entirely sure what the life plan is. I mean, I could give you a fairly rough, boring draft if need be, but there's a pretty big world out there. And while I'm a pretty little person there's a lot of it I would like to see.

Something else came up in our non-study related conversation.
The soul.
What is it?
Apparently someone measured the soul's weight by weighing a person ante and post-mortem but I have a suspicion the slight difference could be due to exhalation of air.
So perhaps it's not a physical mass that we can attempt to measure.

I think Soul can be found in expression. Because it's so beyond consciousness. People find thoughts and feelings they were possibly unaware of through expression. Through music, writing, whatever passion you have that allows to you invest a small part of your being. It's important to have a driving force. Not just a talent, gift, or something you work damn hard at to do well in. Something that lets you show WHO you are.

Even if it's the way you express yourself to the people you love, which I suppose is the most important communication there is. We mostly love people for who they are. Being mistaken about them is therefore a very disappointing thing, especially once you realise you LOVE them no matter who they are. Like, the point of no return, where you're not sure if your guided by tolerance, acceptance or denial. That and falling out of love (which can occur before or after your realisations). But hey, experience means evolution right?

I've decided I don't mind making a couple non-catastrophic mistakes in my life. So long as I don't make them twice and I can eventually see the silver lining (key word here is EVENTUALLY) then it's all ok. Building up bits of knowledge, accumulating and discarding the flaws that make you a human being. Evolution in one sentence perhaps? Who knows.

Because really we don't know much, if anything at all, and some questions will always be circulating. The philosophers will think of new theories, the tenets of all religions will give their own explanations and argue and argue and argue. Maybe we should just love to the core of our stomachs. Because if anything exists it's love. Even if we all wake up one day and realise our entire existance has been a long dream or a sitcom television show. You felt what you felt no matter what.