So, I'm pretty fortunate to be surrounded by a lot of smart, strong and sexy women. (Pity I'm not a guy or gay, I know).



The sad thing is this. In order to get a guy's attention (his intelligence status is irrelevant here), they have to downplay their; intelligence, independance, passion AND upgrade; sex appeal and amount of small clothing in wardrobe (or amount of clothing they're willing to take off). ' Dude what if she won't sleep with me?' Ummm.... she probably won't want to. Because you're a chauvinistic pig. AND YES! This post is going to be fraught with generalisations. Deal with it.



To add to that there's the added complication- not being taken seriously. There seems to be some misunderstanding, that if a woman shows her vulnerability, emotions, talks about poetry, or shows any kind of distress, she gets shoved into the 'silly, over-emotional woman' cupboard, her opinion no longer of any value (if it even was in the first place). For example- many men consider feminism to be something only upheld by homosexuals, angry women with unfortunate past histories and those who are sexually frustrated. So before you get to calling me a feminist freak, understand I don't hate men. I happen to like a lot of them. But the ones that annoy me are unfortunately a) hard to ignore, b) in my life and c) incredibly frustrating.



And it quite frankly, pisses me off, when one of the brightest women I know tells me that the only way she can get a guy to not be completely threatened by her awesome personality is to act Dumb. It angers me further to know a lot of grown women (with a lot of talent) who had to give it all up once they got married, had kids, and settled into a lifestyle characterised by drudgery and mediocrity. The worst part, is they wouldn't have done it any other way, due to the ticking of the fricking biological clock (or circumstance, or the pressure to get married).



I'm getting into a profession, where I won't be fully qualified until im in my 30's. Fellow female med students have discussed this- we gotta get the degree, hold our own, find the guy, get the house, car etc and spawn. And no, it's not something our male counterparts have particularly had to consider. There's about 10 years to do all of that in between the end of the degree and the end of the fully operating ovaries. Talk about pressure. And THEN! (for some of us), you have to take time out of the profession to raise them. Don't get me wrong, I hear it's a lot of fun. But 5 years out of the game is a long time, considering it's going to take me 7 years to get the degree. The really sad thing is, the number of times I've been advised by various WOMEN to become a GP so I can take care of my children (note: these children do not exist yet, apart from the presence of 23-chromosome egglets in my body). So forgive me if I decide NOT to make life desicions based on people that DONT exist, and probably wont when I get around to choosing a specialty.



And yes. I have ranted. No, do not read this and laugh it off. I have a niggling feeling there will be more, when I can put it into words.

Would you want me when I'm not myself?

Got to talking about how much I have changed, in the past year, even in the past 2 months.

Either that, or I have gone through a bunch of phases, with my identity (mostly) intact. Outside forces, my own anger and confusion have pushed me to act like someone I don't think I really am. But then, identity is such a fluid thing. At the time it felt right.

What's interesting, is seeing who's still going to stick around for you when you aren't entirely yourself. When you're confused, or lonely or just angry. Interesting to see who can still treat you with patience and respect, and watch you quietly, hoping you change, or learn something, or let go of whatever it is that is holding you back. Most interesting to see, who, out of the many people in your life, will even realise something's not ok. Who will try and talk some sense into you. Who will watch you cry, clench your fists, witness you as you stop in the middle of the street to scream, as you become silent, as you walk around with a heart full of hurt and anger and still show patience.

And patience is not an easy thing. But if you have it, it shows a hell of a lot about you.

I started thinking about this a few weeks ago, having unearthed Room for Squares (after almost a year!) and listening to Not Myself- John Mayer . I realise his music is featuring a lot lately, but I think that's only because for me, coming home to my family and my past, is also coming home to his music and all the things that gave me guidance and explanations for life as I grew up. I'm realising I was pretty fortunate as a teenager to have people around me willing to talk about the harder things surrounding life. I had a lot of time and freedom to figure out who I was. Coming home has almost given me the chance to do that all over again. Except this time, I have my own concrete beliefs, and I've accumulated more experiences. This time there is more to confront, because there's more that I know. This time, I'm relying less on what people tell me, and more on what I feel is right.

But then, there are hard questions. John Mayer sings 'And I, in time, will come around. I always do for you.' Which makes me realise, there are few people I have been completely open with, who've seen the transformations, good or bad. And then there are those who probably haven't even realised. And the difficult question is, can someone love you without fully knowing you, or understanding you? Can they love you without having felt extreme frustration toward you, or anger, or concern? Is the mark of love in some ways, the fact that you care so much it makes you angry, on behalf of the person you love? Or even, angry at them because you see potential, or you see they are sinking into something they are not? I can count the number of people who care about me enough to get angry FOR me, on one hand. Is that the difference, between being IN love with someone, and loving them?

And then, the most difficult question. Is the person you love, in love with you, or do they love you, for all your faults, anxieties, insecurities, flaws. Will they watch you change, and wait, and still be there on the other side? Do you have that patience? Do they?

I guess you won't really know until crunch time. But then, you'll also know if it's all been worthwhile.

The things nobody ever says.

If I were a boy.

I'd drive around, burn things down, speak in monosyllabic tones, grit my teeth, push my fists into the hallway walls, and still have arms to run home to. I'd come home, eventually. I'd have no limitations. Nothing would be impossible, unwise or impractical. I'd have all the time in the world.

I'd break your heart a thousand times, watch you cry, create an uncomfortable silence and then wait for you to apologise.

I'd 'misbehave.' Sneak through your open window, hide under the bed, lie about where I really am, watch you sink into vulnerability, break all the unspoken laws in the hours before sunrise. And then I'd return to my life, unscathed. Never held accountable, never with the burden of shame or secrecy, or something worse. Not knowing that you're sitting in a corner, with mud all over your name and tears streaked down your cheeks. Not accused of anything.

My son, my son, my son, they'd cry. You're home, here, eat. Here, sleep. Here, take everything. You stud, you badass, you adventurer, you free spirit. You're going to be a great man one day.

Hahahahahaha. A great man.

Daughters- John Mayer

I need to do something with my life.

I feel like I'm waiting at an intersection. Just sitting here, waiting to get on the road and get moving. Doesn't matter where I'm going particularly, I Just have to get passed this damned little alley way and get under the stars while my soul is still young and foolhardy.

Perhaps! This is merely hibernating period. AND THEN!


BAM! Yes, BAM! Something will hit me. Or I'll hit something.
Either way, excitement for the future. Yes sirreee. ANd Now I'm off to bed. So I can wake up in the morning without my insane notions and carry out life, in the way that has been prescribed and approved for me. But never fear! Something interesting is waiting around the corner.... it's probably dangerous and bad for me.... PERHAPS! that's a chance I'm willing to take.

Also, I'm a sucker for guitarists, and guitar solos. I think, rock'n'roll is indeed a corrupting thing. I think it just got to my head. Oh deary me, indeed little old people with your wagging fingers and excessive paranoia instilled from years of experience and heartache and whatnot. I think this is the part, where I (in a belated fashion) decide to be a teenager and say- I don't need someone to tell me who to be today. Or tomorrow. Or ever.

Let the chaos ensue? (At least for the next 5 minutes in my head)

Yes.

Resolutions and Revelations- Farewell 2010

Well.
It's been about a month since I last wrote, which is odd because November had me very blog-crazy. And my neglect isn't so much due to the ample time I now have and the fact that I no longer need a procrastination outlet, but also because I have needed time to think. The last few posts back there were getting a little bit haywire, with no head, tail, or middle really. Reading them back again made me realise I was lacking clarity. There is nothing that makes me feel more uncomfortable...

So I figure, it's best to start the new year with a clear mind. And after spending the afternoon cleaning to the sound of 'Where the Light Is' I'm feeling pretty ok.

I think 2010 has been one of, if not THE biggest year of my life. We were so wrong thinking year 12 was the ultimate struggle. This year has brought with it a lot of confusion, challenges, sadness, more confusion, love and friendship. It felt like one of those in-between years that aren't huge, but are hugely important in getting you to wherever you want to go.

Granted, I made a fair few mistakes, I do have regrets, but at the same time I learnt more about myself than I expected to, and I have learnt the importance of examining life a little bit closer at times, as well as the importance of ignoring finer details. I have learnt that hurting, and being hurt by those you love is an unfortunate inevitable reality, and you have to figure out how to deal with the aftermath. I have learnt that I need more guidance than I allow myself to think. I've learnt I can be alarmingly self-sufficient at times. I've experienced new kinds of loneliness, in the centre of a crowd, and in an empty room. I know I'm not quite there yet... but I'd like to think I'm on the right track. That, said, I'm nervous as all hell for what's to come, but quietly excited too.

So, for 2011, I have a few simple resolutions:
1. To be on time
2. To eat breakfast
3. To give myself space
and finally,
4. To smile

They aren't insane, and I reaaally hope I manage to stick to them especially the first one, but I think there's plenty of merit in taking baby steps.

So, good luck to all of you for all the years ahead. Let's hope 2011 brings fulfillment, happiness and love :)

Throw your mistempered weapons to the ground.

God the beauty of words. Of art. Of expression. There are films, scenes and songs that I will watch and listen to over and over again. Not for the sake of memory or repetition, but to be moved. To know that there is more than this day to day drudgery. To escape the mediocrity of existence when it becomes too difficult to examine insecurity and fear.

There's a part of me that just wants to create something beautiful, something thought-provoking, something so ugly in it's honesty.

Something to expose.
The flaws of humanity, the inevitable nature of death and the unpredictability of love.

The unstable and rocky terrain we build all our fragile little dreams on, in the hope that somehow, something will let it all hold together.

The reality is life will break you. It will happen suddenly, but it will be ongoing too. Life is not meant to be easy but everything that is flawed possesses something worthy of examination.

Just as the earth brings, hurricane, storm and unrest, it reveals clarity, brightness and colour.
Is that balance? Life and death, happiness and sadness, love and everything that is not love. Once you remove all the intensity and the passion and violent anger.
Once you remove even your fickle dreams and misgivings and old fears

In the end all we want is to
be satisfied.

We don't sleep when the sun goes down, we don't waste no precious time.

I just read something that worked like a blow across my entire body and I'm just a tad stunned. I'd put it here but I can't. It's amazing and frightening at the same time.

The thing is, I have to learn to trust my gut feeling. Intuition, whatever.
Actually that's the problem with a lot of people. You cut things down, rationalise them, justify your each and every individual action and then piece it together and all of the magic is gone.
Which isn't to say you sit around like a lazy schmuck and just do whatever comes to you without thinking about what it means or how it will affect those around you. Mindfulness perhaps? I don't know, I don't have the mental capacity to think about it too much right now.

I'm just saying. I should listen to myself more.

Anyway, new song (of many to come). Teenage Crime by Adrian Lux. Perfect for the current climate, and the theme song for Channel V's current ad. But I love it to pieces. A little piece of advice: If you feel like now is the time to call someone up after forever, DO it. You might find what you were looking for. You might not, I make no guarantees. But you won't lose anything.
I'm starting to step into the 'anything is possible' tornado and just seeing where that takes me. I feel like I have limited time as a young, carefree thing. I don't want to spend it in any kind of inner or outer turmoil. Life is too short for bullshit and it's far too short for games. It's too short to waste making other people happy in exchange for fake acceptance.

Time to be honest, a little reckless and to live with vitality and vibrance.