Real Recognise Real.
And you're the most plastic piece of shit I've ever seen.
When you're credit balance dissipates and the little bitches you love the presence of suck you dry. Ahahaha.
If only you could get it up to begin with.
Anyway, goodbye.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Goodbye
Seems I'm getting out of control,
Feels like I'm running out of soul,
You're getting heavy to hold
Think I'll be letting you go.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Always questions, never answers.
I don't know if my endless philosophising makes people think I'm a little bit crazy, or pretentious, or suffer from the tendency to talk the talk, but not walk the walk.
And I'm not going to sit here and write up a list of achievements, an example and justification to my ideas that make up this endless and evolving essay of context and ideas that are slowly making me who I am. But I'm getting close to getting to my manifesto. Whether or not it's going to be going on the front cover of an album, or a book, or remain here in this little place on the internet, rarely traversed.
I was talking to friend yesterday. I'll put it out there, I tend to be the joke, rather than the joker in many conversations. Something that I find interesting and frustrating. I would love to be really quick and cut people down for the sake of humour and wittiness. And most of the time, I'm surrounded by incredible people who are OUT THERE, known, funny, talented (in anything from cooking to dancing to singing to being incredibly positive). They are people who can get things done, and get them done well.
Now, the reality is, outside of highschool-world, where it wasn't difficult to be different and to be talented, I'm a pretty average person. 5th grade piano, a little bit of singing, a little bit of writing and a little bit of dancing, but nothing too amazing. Your basic kid, rolling with the punches, and settling into mediocrity. Now, you can try to challenge that by taking on a lot, or wearing insane clothes, or preaching profanities for the sake of being noticed. Sometimes the temptation is there to learn to cartwheel or become a one-man-band, just because it's tough being surrounded by the best.
But here's a question. Is the more important thing WHO you are, rather that WHAT you can do? Are the silent talents the ones that you'll be remembered for later? Is it more important to strive to DO something positive for the world, rather than become SOMEBODY that everyone can remember? Don't get me wrong, people aren't just one or the other.
Up until a few days ago, I was sure of what I was going to do. Med/Arts, because I love to write, because I left a passion for English behind when I decided to pursue Medicine. Because I know that's something I'm pretty good at. But now I'm not so sure. Do I need that extra degree to prove where my strengths lie, or to feel better about who I am and what I can do? Is it going to make me feel more fulfilled? Is it more important for me to find a sense of fulfillment in what I'm already trying to get through? Is an extra year on campus, in uni, financially justifiable? Is there a point where you take on other people's needs and expectations and re-think your own dreams because it's just a neccessary thing to do?
School was a hell of a lot easier than this. Year 12 was a piece of cake. The older I get, the less I know. I'm not sure if I feel defeated or content or confused. A lot of the time, it feels like the world has already got the better of me. Maybe all you do in life is constantly fight that feeling and try to be content where you are now. It's like, as soon as you manage to get to a positive place, something walks in and tries to derail you and your confidence and your belief in yourself. At this point, I'd be happy to turn out to be half the person I hoped I would be when I walked out of highschool at 18.
And I'm not going to sit here and write up a list of achievements, an example and justification to my ideas that make up this endless and evolving essay of context and ideas that are slowly making me who I am. But I'm getting close to getting to my manifesto. Whether or not it's going to be going on the front cover of an album, or a book, or remain here in this little place on the internet, rarely traversed.
I was talking to friend yesterday. I'll put it out there, I tend to be the joke, rather than the joker in many conversations. Something that I find interesting and frustrating. I would love to be really quick and cut people down for the sake of humour and wittiness. And most of the time, I'm surrounded by incredible people who are OUT THERE, known, funny, talented (in anything from cooking to dancing to singing to being incredibly positive). They are people who can get things done, and get them done well.
Now, the reality is, outside of highschool-world, where it wasn't difficult to be different and to be talented, I'm a pretty average person. 5th grade piano, a little bit of singing, a little bit of writing and a little bit of dancing, but nothing too amazing. Your basic kid, rolling with the punches, and settling into mediocrity. Now, you can try to challenge that by taking on a lot, or wearing insane clothes, or preaching profanities for the sake of being noticed. Sometimes the temptation is there to learn to cartwheel or become a one-man-band, just because it's tough being surrounded by the best.
But here's a question. Is the more important thing WHO you are, rather that WHAT you can do? Are the silent talents the ones that you'll be remembered for later? Is it more important to strive to DO something positive for the world, rather than become SOMEBODY that everyone can remember? Don't get me wrong, people aren't just one or the other.
Up until a few days ago, I was sure of what I was going to do. Med/Arts, because I love to write, because I left a passion for English behind when I decided to pursue Medicine. Because I know that's something I'm pretty good at. But now I'm not so sure. Do I need that extra degree to prove where my strengths lie, or to feel better about who I am and what I can do? Is it going to make me feel more fulfilled? Is it more important for me to find a sense of fulfillment in what I'm already trying to get through? Is an extra year on campus, in uni, financially justifiable? Is there a point where you take on other people's needs and expectations and re-think your own dreams because it's just a neccessary thing to do?
School was a hell of a lot easier than this. Year 12 was a piece of cake. The older I get, the less I know. I'm not sure if I feel defeated or content or confused. A lot of the time, it feels like the world has already got the better of me. Maybe all you do in life is constantly fight that feeling and try to be content where you are now. It's like, as soon as you manage to get to a positive place, something walks in and tries to derail you and your confidence and your belief in yourself. At this point, I'd be happy to turn out to be half the person I hoped I would be when I walked out of highschool at 18.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Seeking approval
Why is this such a big thing?
And as much as I'd love to say, I'm a complete individual with no insecurities, who never feels the need for approval from another person, I can't.
I'll be honest, that's hard to admit. But the reality is, I'm not entirely sure if I've even been living my life out loud. And I don't mean loud- clubbing, dancing, drinking, out there, popularity loud. I mean, doing what I truly want to do for the sheer heck of it, instead of going along with something I don't like, or don't feel comfortable with because it'll make other people happy, or make me feel more valued as a friend or daughter. Going with the crowd, bending my head and accepting my fate, chasing after affection, whatever it may be.
Facebook is kind of notorious for conforming. I guess it's supposed to be a place where we can let loose and let people know 'what's on our minds,' passive aggressive/depressing statuses about bitches and breakups included. But really, we're all getting home and getting online. It's scary.
That's a number of hours a day you could be spending reading, learning a new talent, SLEEPING, eating, or actually spending time with the people you stay up all night talking to. It's valuable, valuable time. And we, intoxicated by our youth, are unable to see that. It's not just a tool of procrastination- we think that by disabling it 2 weeks before exams, we'll be successful. It's become a mentality. A cultural phenomenon, sure, but is it a good one?
Rarely do you meet someone after 5 minutes and consider them a friend. And then lay a lot of you life bare for them to look at. Or spend time looking at their life when you should probably be doing something more interesting. I'm sure there have been countless psychology and sociology papers written about this, and they're probably worded better with better evidence. But I'm starting to realise how little I know about the world. And I shudder to think, how much time I've spend aimlessly scrolling down a page, reading things about people that I honestly don't really care about.
Facebook rant aside, back to the title. Approval. There are some, incredible people, that actually don't give a shit. And I don't mean in a broad sense- they're not defined by societal norms and restrictions etc etc. It's not that hard to embrace your weirdness in that sense. I mean, in a more intimate way. Friends, parents, boyfriends, girlfriends. They aren't influenced by these people in a way that compromises their individuality and/or independence. But are they close to the people they love? I wonder sometimes. Because no matter how outrageous some of my beliefs are, and how determined I may come across as, ultimately it's very hard for me to separate my life from the people around me, in a way that allows me to live in complete freedom, without taking into consideration other people's opinions. I'm not entirely sure if it's possible to do that, and still have meaningful relationships with mutual understanding, because ultimately everybody wants a little bit of ownership over you and a little bit of attachment. I understand that- you love people, you do right by them, and then there's a certain expectation that they can in turn provide you with the same love and support. Fair's fair. But there comes a time when it starts to feel like a contract. And it shouldn't.
So my question (and challenge for myself) is this: do you have the ability to live out loud AND keep the people in your life relatively happy?
A difficult juggling game.
And as much as I'd love to say, I'm a complete individual with no insecurities, who never feels the need for approval from another person, I can't.
I'll be honest, that's hard to admit. But the reality is, I'm not entirely sure if I've even been living my life out loud. And I don't mean loud- clubbing, dancing, drinking, out there, popularity loud. I mean, doing what I truly want to do for the sheer heck of it, instead of going along with something I don't like, or don't feel comfortable with because it'll make other people happy, or make me feel more valued as a friend or daughter. Going with the crowd, bending my head and accepting my fate, chasing after affection, whatever it may be.
Facebook is kind of notorious for conforming. I guess it's supposed to be a place where we can let loose and let people know 'what's on our minds,' passive aggressive/depressing statuses about bitches and breakups included. But really, we're all getting home and getting online. It's scary.
That's a number of hours a day you could be spending reading, learning a new talent, SLEEPING, eating, or actually spending time with the people you stay up all night talking to. It's valuable, valuable time. And we, intoxicated by our youth, are unable to see that. It's not just a tool of procrastination- we think that by disabling it 2 weeks before exams, we'll be successful. It's become a mentality. A cultural phenomenon, sure, but is it a good one?
Rarely do you meet someone after 5 minutes and consider them a friend. And then lay a lot of you life bare for them to look at. Or spend time looking at their life when you should probably be doing something more interesting. I'm sure there have been countless psychology and sociology papers written about this, and they're probably worded better with better evidence. But I'm starting to realise how little I know about the world. And I shudder to think, how much time I've spend aimlessly scrolling down a page, reading things about people that I honestly don't really care about.
Facebook rant aside, back to the title. Approval. There are some, incredible people, that actually don't give a shit. And I don't mean in a broad sense- they're not defined by societal norms and restrictions etc etc. It's not that hard to embrace your weirdness in that sense. I mean, in a more intimate way. Friends, parents, boyfriends, girlfriends. They aren't influenced by these people in a way that compromises their individuality and/or independence. But are they close to the people they love? I wonder sometimes. Because no matter how outrageous some of my beliefs are, and how determined I may come across as, ultimately it's very hard for me to separate my life from the people around me, in a way that allows me to live in complete freedom, without taking into consideration other people's opinions. I'm not entirely sure if it's possible to do that, and still have meaningful relationships with mutual understanding, because ultimately everybody wants a little bit of ownership over you and a little bit of attachment. I understand that- you love people, you do right by them, and then there's a certain expectation that they can in turn provide you with the same love and support. Fair's fair. But there comes a time when it starts to feel like a contract. And it shouldn't.
So my question (and challenge for myself) is this: do you have the ability to live out loud AND keep the people in your life relatively happy?
A difficult juggling game.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Dormant fires
I'm sitting on the storm that i got soaked by.
The sun's only 7 miles away, and I can feel it rising out of me
Fearless sense of insanity, the jungle that grows inside of me.
Tangled in my hair, in you, in the new things you have planted
to restrict me.
But slowly I have come to tame the wilderness
Come to see, almost everything can be influenced, everyobody
can be controlled. But not me. I have unspoken things
I keep you on the outside, because I know you will run or be burned
I forget the number for Emergency.
Passions lie dormant for the sake of your satisfaction
Have you been satiated? Happy with this half-facet presented to you
And I will turn and melt and become moulded again
But the crystal core you can't get to, the most important
parts, are the ones that are unseen
But we can get a bass line and a dark night
We can get inebriated and take off one thing at a time
You can try to draw it out of me, like a silent scream
But you still won't be able to see.
My head's screwed on too tight, my heart is burning
In a fenced off cage, I don't know where I hid the key.
But the metal is close to melting, coming down
Down, down. It's going to burn down to the base.
You should start to run, I'll give you a head start.
I already have. Don't underestimate how far the heat will spread.
Make sure you're still able to breathe, keep a reserve.
Keep it down. Hide there in the corner.
Hold on tight.
The sun's only 7 miles away, and I can feel it rising out of me
Fearless sense of insanity, the jungle that grows inside of me.
Tangled in my hair, in you, in the new things you have planted
to restrict me.
But slowly I have come to tame the wilderness
Come to see, almost everything can be influenced, everyobody
can be controlled. But not me. I have unspoken things
I keep you on the outside, because I know you will run or be burned
I forget the number for Emergency.
Passions lie dormant for the sake of your satisfaction
Have you been satiated? Happy with this half-facet presented to you
And I will turn and melt and become moulded again
But the crystal core you can't get to, the most important
parts, are the ones that are unseen
But we can get a bass line and a dark night
We can get inebriated and take off one thing at a time
You can try to draw it out of me, like a silent scream
But you still won't be able to see.
My head's screwed on too tight, my heart is burning
In a fenced off cage, I don't know where I hid the key.
But the metal is close to melting, coming down
Down, down. It's going to burn down to the base.
You should start to run, I'll give you a head start.
I already have. Don't underestimate how far the heat will spread.
Make sure you're still able to breathe, keep a reserve.
Keep it down. Hide there in the corner.
Hold on tight.
Monday, February 14, 2011
And it begins
The summer is almost over, and I am once more packing up parts of my life, and mentally preparing myself for Year 2 of 7. Starting emptying out the contents of my wardrobe and desk and sorting through it all. Almost finished reading all of my novels, and already having had my first 'last minute freakout studying' dream, I'd say I'm as ready as I'll ever be.
The past few months have not been without heartache and confusion and reinvention. It's amazing how much you realise once you step away from a place/situation and look at it objectively. There are some things I no longer like, and some that I have more appreciation for than ever before.
And how much you realise you have missed when you go back home and back to your roots.
Here is a list:
-my family
-going for walks with my mum
-the constant sound of music
-a full fridge! FOOD!
-the sound of my family getting ready in the morning
-noise
-my big bed
-living near a lake
-living near friends
-my bookshelf. Oh so much.
-Bollywood movies, I don't watch them much in Sydney, because the songs make me cry
-driving
-my job, and the kids I tutor
The past few months have not been without heartache and confusion and reinvention. It's amazing how much you realise once you step away from a place/situation and look at it objectively. There are some things I no longer like, and some that I have more appreciation for than ever before.
And how much you realise you have missed when you go back home and back to your roots.
Here is a list:
-my family
-going for walks with my mum
-the constant sound of music
-a full fridge! FOOD!
-the sound of my family getting ready in the morning
-noise
-my big bed
-living near a lake
-living near friends
-my bookshelf. Oh so much.
-Bollywood movies, I don't watch them much in Sydney, because the songs make me cry
-driving
-my job, and the kids I tutor
And obviously it's no Utopia. But there's a certain loneliness I get to escape when I'm here. No matter what's happening, I'm not spending my evenings and nights eating alone in my own little world. And I realise, that's sounds a little bit sad and pathetic, but sometimes that's how it feels. It makes me wonder, how many people are in my life out of necessity, and how many because my life is truly enriched by them.
But, ultimately, in 4 days I will be gone again. That's the inevitable truth Kavita. And yes, I'm going to be homesick for a little while, but I'm sure I'll settle into my old routines. But maybe I won't forget what I'm leaving behind quite so quickly. I come from a tiny family. We all play some vague, chaotic part in holding it all together. Chances are, you're more instrumental to the functioning ability of your family, than you think. And love you're born into most often, runs deeper than anything you create. Easy to forget, important not to.
So, What have I learnt this Summer?
I have learnt that I am stubborn. I have learnt that I need more confidence, self-assurance, and a grounding force. I have learnt that I am blessed, to have all the people that I do. I have learnt that the future is mine to write.
I have learnt that I am fluid. That I am open to change, and this is a good thing. I have learnt that I oscillate between trusting too much, and trusting too little. I have learnt, that I repress anger, there are many things that I need to let go of. I have learnt how to be healthy, the value of sleep. I have remembered what drives me. I have regained optimism. I have regained clarity, and I have hope.
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