Go baby.

Aaand now, the time has come. After talking the talk, changing the talk, writing the talk, arguing the talk, and being silent The hour hand has moved AND. It's time to walk. To walk without searching for a new beginning in a new day, or time, or New Year (Happy Sri Lankan New Year by the way). But no, that's not why it's time. It's time, regardless of my current planetary positions, or the direction I am faced in. It's time because I can't wait anymore. I have been caught in the deep end, and I've flailed and failed and changed my mind, out of obligation and indesicion, and not based on what I want. I have lied to keep people happy. Screw that. I've heard it all, I've listened, really listened. I've been a shoulder to cry on, and I've cried alone. I've forgotten to breath and I've woken up because my heart's beating too fast or too loud for me to stay asleep. And it's been frustrating. I've pulled myself away from everything in an effort to see things more clearly, and I feel like I've wasted my time. So. Today it begins and it will continue until I am too tired to go any further. And I am going to give life my best shot, in the hope that when I look back later, I will be satisfied with what I have created, sustained and achieved. Until then. Some parts of my brain are turning off. And others are turning on. 'It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll, I am the Master of my fate, I am the Captain of my soul.'

Slow burning.

Ah, it's been a while. But you know, that's all time I was living. And living equals experiencing equals learning. So here are my lines. The anticipation in realising that I'm just scratching the surface with you, and with me. Picking the journey over the destination. Still waiting to get on a plane, but with less desperation and more understanding. Attaching a lot of significance to little things. Interesting. Good or bad? A bit of both. Freaking out less. dramadramadramadrama, I'll watch a movie instead. Substance over style. Every time. In the middle of a manifesto.

You're a failure. Yes Yes Yes you are.

Real Recognise Real.

And you're the most plastic piece of shit I've ever seen.

When you're credit balance dissipates and the little bitches you love the presence of suck you dry. Ahahaha.

If only you could get it up to begin with.

Anyway, goodbye.

You need to cheer up,

Your mind needs to clear up,

You're already here,

Just be yourself from here up.

Goodbye

Seems I'm getting out of control,

Feels like I'm running out of soul,

You're getting heavy to hold

Think I'll be letting you go.

Always questions, never answers.

I don't know if my endless philosophising makes people think I'm a little bit crazy, or pretentious, or suffer from the tendency to talk the talk, but not walk the walk.

And I'm not going to sit here and write up a list of achievements, an example and justification to my ideas that make up this endless and evolving essay of context and ideas that are slowly making me who I am. But I'm getting close to getting to my manifesto. Whether or not it's going to be going on the front cover of an album, or a book, or remain here in this little place on the internet, rarely traversed.

I was talking to friend yesterday. I'll put it out there, I tend to be the joke, rather than the joker in many conversations. Something that I find interesting and frustrating. I would love to be really quick and cut people down for the sake of humour and wittiness. And most of the time, I'm surrounded by incredible people who are OUT THERE, known, funny, talented (in anything from cooking to dancing to singing to being incredibly positive). They are people who can get things done, and get them done well.

Now, the reality is, outside of highschool-world, where it wasn't difficult to be different and to be talented, I'm a pretty average person. 5th grade piano, a little bit of singing, a little bit of writing and a little bit of dancing, but nothing too amazing. Your basic kid, rolling with the punches, and settling into mediocrity. Now, you can try to challenge that by taking on a lot, or wearing insane clothes, or preaching profanities for the sake of being noticed. Sometimes the temptation is there to learn to cartwheel or become a one-man-band, just because it's tough being surrounded by the best.

But here's a question. Is the more important thing WHO you are, rather that WHAT you can do? Are the silent talents the ones that you'll be remembered for later? Is it more important to strive to DO something positive for the world, rather than become SOMEBODY that everyone can remember? Don't get me wrong, people aren't just one or the other.

Up until a few days ago, I was sure of what I was going to do. Med/Arts, because I love to write, because I left a passion for English behind when I decided to pursue Medicine. Because I know that's something I'm pretty good at. But now I'm not so sure. Do I need that extra degree to prove where my strengths lie, or to feel better about who I am and what I can do? Is it going to make me feel more fulfilled? Is it more important for me to find a sense of fulfillment in what I'm already trying to get through? Is an extra year on campus, in uni, financially justifiable? Is there a point where you take on other people's needs and expectations and re-think your own dreams because it's just a neccessary thing to do?

School was a hell of a lot easier than this. Year 12 was a piece of cake. The older I get, the less I know. I'm not sure if I feel defeated or content or confused. A lot of the time, it feels like the world has already got the better of me. Maybe all you do in life is constantly fight that feeling and try to be content where you are now. It's like, as soon as you manage to get to a positive place, something walks in and tries to derail you and your confidence and your belief in yourself. At this point, I'd be happy to turn out to be half the person I hoped I would be when I walked out of highschool at 18.

Seeking approval

Why is this such a big thing?
And as much as I'd love to say, I'm a complete individual with no insecurities, who never feels the need for approval from another person, I can't.

I'll be honest, that's hard to admit. But the reality is, I'm not entirely sure if I've even been living my life out loud. And I don't mean loud- clubbing, dancing, drinking, out there, popularity loud. I mean, doing what I truly want to do for the sheer heck of it, instead of going along with something I don't like, or don't feel comfortable with because it'll make other people happy, or make me feel more valued as a friend or daughter. Going with the crowd, bending my head and accepting my fate, chasing after affection, whatever it may be.

Facebook is kind of notorious for conforming. I guess it's supposed to be a place where we can let loose and let people know 'what's on our minds,' passive aggressive/depressing statuses about bitches and breakups included. But really, we're all getting home and getting online. It's scary.
That's a number of hours a day you could be spending reading, learning a new talent, SLEEPING, eating, or actually spending time with the people you stay up all night talking to. It's valuable, valuable time. And we, intoxicated by our youth, are unable to see that. It's not just a tool of procrastination- we think that by disabling it 2 weeks before exams, we'll be successful. It's become a mentality. A cultural phenomenon, sure, but is it a good one?

Rarely do you meet someone after 5 minutes and consider them a friend. And then lay a lot of you life bare for them to look at. Or spend time looking at their life when you should probably be doing something more interesting. I'm sure there have been countless psychology and sociology papers written about this, and they're probably worded better with better evidence. But I'm starting to realise how little I know about the world. And I shudder to think, how much time I've spend aimlessly scrolling down a page, reading things about people that I honestly don't really care about.

Facebook rant aside, back to the title. Approval. There are some, incredible people, that actually don't give a shit. And I don't mean in a broad sense- they're not defined by societal norms and restrictions etc etc. It's not that hard to embrace your weirdness in that sense. I mean, in a more intimate way. Friends, parents, boyfriends, girlfriends. They aren't influenced by these people in a way that compromises their individuality and/or independence. But are they close to the people they love? I wonder sometimes. Because no matter how outrageous some of my beliefs are, and how determined I may come across as, ultimately it's very hard for me to separate my life from the people around me, in a way that allows me to live in complete freedom, without taking into consideration other people's opinions. I'm not entirely sure if it's possible to do that, and still have meaningful relationships with mutual understanding, because ultimately everybody wants a little bit of ownership over you and a little bit of attachment. I understand that- you love people, you do right by them, and then there's a certain expectation that they can in turn provide you with the same love and support. Fair's fair. But there comes a time when it starts to feel like a contract. And it shouldn't.

So my question (and challenge for myself) is this: do you have the ability to live out loud AND keep the people in your life relatively happy?

A difficult juggling game.