Back To You.

So, after the madness that is Medshow (which was brilliant, btw) and a day of semi-study I find the same old demons resurfacing. Oddly enough, I haven't properly listened to music in weeks. Maybe even a month.

Which, for me is pretty much unnatural. Recently a friend said to me 'you LOVE music, you revel in it, live it, it's a part of you' So perhaps I've been away from myself for a little while. And while I was gone, I experienced old fears (which is frightening, let me assure you) and came to new realisations. I had a weird morning, consisting of sleep, partial sleep, a phone call, sad sleep, and then waking up wondering if it was all a dream.

Back again at the point where I ponder. And my ultimate destination is unknown, but at some point, my mental path will traverse upon Love. What is it? Studying the brain, I can tell you where emotions originate, the areas of the brain important for abstract thought and personality, but I cannot tell you what love is made of. They say oxytocin is important. The hugging hormone released in a mother's body as her child is born, and released after sex, supposedly instrumental to emotional bonding. Obviously that's not all... physical contact is probably one of the most basic components of love, but there is strength of heart that extends beyond the human world. How do you explain people's undying faith in a cosmic force that they will never be tangible to them while they live?

God. Sometimes I'm convinced there's something out there. Because when I listen to love songs, it's not always the face of a significant other than comes before me. 'You've got the Love I need to see me through.' What does that mean for me? My mum, my best friend, my boyfriend? I'm not sure it's any of those three. For a little while I thought it meant me and my own strength, but I don't see how my own love will get me through anything. I've always believed myself to be pretty self-sufficient. It's a security you get from knowing you don't need anyone. But is that true? Really, at the core of silence, loneliness and being. Is it weak to admit you need love to feel whole? And love from who? Maybe the security that comes with faith in religion is the feeling that there is someone or something out there who loves you when nobody else does. Maybe it prevents that feeling of loneliness. And I don't mean, it's quiet and nobody is here loneliness. I mean the feeling that no matter who strays across your path, ultimately you walk through life alone and the fears in your own heart cannot be consolidated by anyone but you.

What lies as the basis of detachment? Why do I find myself with unanswerable questions. There was a time where I was happy to fill my heart and head and existence with the presence of other people, and didn't consider alternatives. But the sum of experience made me grow, for better or worse I'm not entirely sure.

If I could spend the next week, month, year, lifetime figuring it out and falling into the swirls, patterns and pictures in my head I would, but life calls. So I leave you with four things:
1. The word 'sumptuous'
2. Back To You- John Mayer
3. Don't I Hold You- Wheat
4. Gravity- Sarah Bareilles