It's not the first time
that you've made me cry
and quite honestly,
it better be the last.

Not that you'd even know
you're never around to see it happen
you only ever get
the aftermath, the quiet

and resigned me, the one
who calmly discusses
but you have no idea
and i've turned into a mute

And all that's left
is the ugly debris
when a strong, raging fire
has been destroyed
smoke and ash,
and chilling silence
The cold settles in
And no doubt, you'll walk away
After finding some way
to blame me

I woke up this morning
and decided to let you call the shots
from here on in.

John Mayer once sang- Doesn't it scare you, doesn't it PISS you off, your will is not as strong as it used to be. It was live in 2007. I think the song was 'Back To You.'

I feel pretty damn stupid. I feel like an idiot. If this wasn't me, if this was someone else, if this was someone I loved, I'd tell them they were being stupid.

8th chances, 9th chances, chances into the double digits.
I'm so good at forgetting. I quit every game I play.
The joke's going to be on me.

This Time I Want It All.

Dating in lyrics.

Let's explore the situations we've all been in before, a place musicians thrive in. Relationships. I find myself surrounded by people, all at different phases, and I'm personally a fan of fate tunes (read Vernon God Little). I plan on sharing my own soundtrack soon. But for now- I found Evolver tonight- so John Legend's take it is.

You don't love me
like you say you do
You don't want me
the way that I want you
Can I get me some satisfaction?

No?

Now what do you keep calling for?
It's over.
We had some good times didn't we,
I know I won't forget that
But we had some bad times and
that's the time I wish I could get back.
You've been around me long enough
to know that now it's over.

And then (after a while, or not)-

Do I have a boyfriend,
Well, technically no.
You be my boyfriend
And I'll make it so
Give me the green light,
Give me just one night
I'm ready to go right now.


And THAT is the cycle right there people. There are your theme songs (they're all good). Go forth.

A (secret) Superstar.

The world brought me to my knees, what have you brung you?

Too much of a newcomer and too uncool.

Home is not a place. It's not a feeling, it's not stable. Home is fluid, home is in my heart, home is inside of me.

Home is where YOU Exist. With no exceptions or expectations.

For all the moneyblingclothescashedupmakeuphookuphairnailsshoes bitches. Rethink maybe. Think. Or shut the fuck up. Drown in your designer/vintage/overpriced bullshit.

To the fairweather people. You will get caught in a storm and your umbrella WILL break.

To the opportunists: Get out.

To the idiots: Good luck

To the dickhead men who hurt the women I love. I have no wishes for you. Pure apathy and a hope that you get a taste of your own medicine.

To my Pikachu. We're growing towards the sun. I'll always be here.

To Rafiki. You're golden. I'll try my best not to lose you :)

To my sisters. You genuinely deserve the best the world can offer you. 'Don't worry about it. Get your shit done. They're not worth your time' I hope for you, love, light and confidence! <3

And I'm done. And I'm beaming ;)

Change clothes.

Stepping into today's camouflage,
wearing something to suit
sexy, intelligent or crazy
Or, display the tripartite

Either way, I'll be back to being just me
When I come back to you.

Pretty sure this song is going to get me through stuvac. Sexy, sexy ;)

Wishes

For all your talk of all the ways that you have made me.

You take little interest in who I am, who I might be

If you just gave me the chance to be free.

If you just listened, if you could take away all your hurt and anger and expectation

and just listen

Just once.

Instead of screaming, instead of making me guilty, instead of holding me to the ground.

Oooh I remember this feeling.

Music and midnight conversation.

I love it.

Boat Patience

'If stars shouldn't shine
by the first time
Then dear it's fine, so fine by me
'Cause we can give it time
So much time with me.'

There's never a promise of tomorrow, let alone the big future to come.

And who really know where the voyages of life will take us.
Sometimes I'm a huge steamer in the middle of the sea, stagnant.
And other times a tiny wooden boat on the brink of wreckage
A lot of time is spent in a boatshed putting planks of wood together
in the hope of being able to get just a little bit further this time
Beyond the limitations we felt in the last few days, months, years
Burning the remnants of yesterday's me
in an effort to become something stronger, more hardy,
Maybe even beautiful
With the capacity to hold more lives, to shelter more people
to ferry all my loved ones to the safety of the next sea-shore

And then back once more to the boathouse I'll go,
rebuild again, to accomodate
more passengers, or less.

I'm a boat.

I kind of like this idea, maybe something worth refining.

But the point of this post, really, was to talk about patience and all the reasons why it's important and difficult and beautiful. I suspect I'm more impatient than I realise. But nothing gets me more than patience. To the point where another person's display of patience towards me is enough for me to throw away my hesitance and inhibition and jump. It's a secret weapon against me (that's now, no longer a secret).

If you wait for me, I won't even want to wait anymore. I'll run towards you.

If you kind of understand me (at least the fraction that I myself understand) then, well, that's more than I can say for most.

But there's always a question of time with patience, isn't there. How long can you be patient for? Life is limited... how long are you willing to wait? How long before the injustice of incorrect perception of falsity creeps under your skin and makes you explode. Do you realise you are patient, or is it just ignorance?

Sometimes you need to let go and jump. Your boat's built, and it's time to test the waters.

Creativity

Here's a thought. Creativity is what makes the world tick. I'm pretty disappointed with myself- I've developed a stupid notion that unless something serves to fix or progress, it's not useful.

Bullshit, obviously.

But back to creativity. The ebb and flow of ideas, mistakes, colour, light and darkness. To create. I don't think there's anything more fascinating. It's one of the things I need to make more time for.

xkcd

I LOVE this comic.

I love trees, so THIS is me :)

I'm procrastinating by clicking 'random comic' and 'random article' on wikipedia. I figure it may as well be educational/funny. But it's okay, I'll start studying soon.

Also contemplating the sheer number of things I could be doing, but I'm not. But I WILL! First I need a job..

That's all from me, happy winter studying!

Save Room

Make time to live, a little
Don't let this moment
slip by tonight
You'll never know
what you're missing till you try