Lead me into a thundering crescendo

Life is kicking off.

Someone handed me a pair of wings, I can't even tell you when, but I find myself attempting flight. I'm incredibly shaky... often I feel like I lose control, or my engines shut down and I come dangerously close to colliding with the stable earth.

Good music to listen to in this state of mind- Florence and the Machine (click on it! It's a link :D ). Her voice blows me away, and the melody always leads into a climax... and I swear my heart starts to beat faster and faster. In fact, I'd be willing to take out my gorgeous new Steth just to make sure :)

But anyway. There's a new crazy feeling. I think, an awareness of being alive. Not sure if this has arisen from listening to the sound of people's hearts beating... it probably has. If anything, Med has taught me just how hard our bodies work to keep us alive... so why not live?

Unfortunately there are always constraints... like duty, compromise, the need for money, not having unlimited freedom, and society's expectations. But you know what? I don't think I care. And I know, it's going to be put down to the Youth Insanity Streak, but at least when I look back, I will know I lived with passion. And I don't mean freedom in the sense where I live wild, without conscience or basic conscientiousness. My mother always told me something her father told her: Freedom does not mean freedom of the wild ass. And today perhaps I understand what that means. For me that means, it's not freedom to stay out all night, get intoxicated/high/inebriated/unconscious, challenge anything and everything because you can, or act without due thought.

It's having the luxury of time, the freedom to be anything you want to, and a chance to take the world in your hands and give it new shape. It's feeling drunk with possibility. I might be naively idealistic, but I do think our generation has the power to generate change. And I think it's important to have that hope, otherwise we may as well commit ourselves to dissatisfaction and settling for second best. Well, I say no. I don't want second-best. I want to look out the window and look into the world and feel empowered. And I may well come out on the other side, bitter and cynical. But I'll be damned if I start out that way.

Ultimately, I'm going to take a leap, and hope my wings can hold me up, long enough for me to feel what it is to Fly.

This one's for you Laura :)

Mr. Mayer's Musical Magic.

Well this one has been a long time coming, and I fully intended to write a post about Home and holidays. But there have been a lot of thoughts buzzing around in my mind lately, and if there's anything I dislike it's that feeling of confusion. It starts stagnant, then begins to boil and become volatile.

Clarity. It's a beautiful word and a beautiful song by John Mayer (who I am going to talk about properly soon!)

Ever since I was a young kid, I've stayed awake at night to write my senseless thoughts on pieces of paper, scraps, receipts, anything really. There were times I wrote on my own arms, to remind myself of something that felt incredibly important in the morning. I can imagine being given a bare room and filling the walls with words and colours and expression. It may sound silly, but I often wish I could express the sound of music, and the way melodies and harmonies can change how I feel.

Which brings me to John Mayer. I know, I know, for all intents and purposes, he is believed to be a 'douche,' and has done a lot of things that can be described as stupid. And while I have wondered around before, profusely promising anyone that would listen, that one day I would marry him, my perspective has changed. And not because of the disasterous Playboy interview...

It occured to me, Love isn't wanting to be with someone because you idolise them, or because they can express what you're thinking or feeling. It's not even that feeling of intense connection because two people have shared similar experiences, though that helps to understand others.

And I guess that's what I think love is. The ability to understand someone, their fears, irrationalities, hopes, sadness, despair. To even understand that they don't want you, didn't, couldn't or can't. Or that once they've had their time with you, they may well walk out of your life, and that you will have to accept that.

I'm not a Buddhist, but there's a lot of sense behind the whole idea of detachment, detached love and kindness. I used to think this branch of thought was just Cold. How can you Love someone, and look upon them with detachment, without feeling intense hurt, or pain, or even joy? For now the answer is, because that makes Love. Chances are my mind will change again, or I'll discover some other explanation. It's not too important, because everyone knows, nobody knows what love really is. I can however, quite happily say that I have known love. We have been good friends. We've had fantastic arguments, and we've built walls and avoided each other. There's been a lot of doubt. But Love is always there.

And the reason I admire (Note: admire, not love, or lust over, or secretly want in my bedroom) John Mayer is because he has that ability to express things beautifully in his words and his song. And that's something I truly truly wish I could sit and dedicate my life to developing and fine-tuning. Unfortunately, thus far life hasn't granted me the chance to sit in a recording studio and make enough money to put bread (or rice) on the table. That's not to say, I may not just wake up one day and choose a fork in the road. However, Life has given me plenty of other, wonderful things. And when I hear music, particularly Mr. Mayer's I am reminded that beauty exists, and that no matter how loud the buzzing is inside my mind, moments of clarity, and freedom, and happiness are around the corner.

As I sit here typing this, I have been listening to my favourite Musician. And as always, he leaves me feeling content and hopeful. I like that :) And so dear reader, I plan on sleeping now, having drained my mind of tonight's thoughts. If you are curious about Mr. Mayer's Musical Magic, ask me and I shall link a few songs that are not well-known but wonderful nonetheless.

Goodnight :)

A quote I quite like: 'Approach Love and Cooking with Wreckless Abandon' The Dalai Lama

Houses

Well, the world cup is over.

But, I am not a sports fanatic or enthusiast, so that's not of much interest. There are some things about sport I do like though, namely, magical fortune-telling octopus' and how sport brings people together, acts as a kind of glue, of shared passion or ambition. Watching Invictus made me gain a new appreciation for Rugby...which is actually an amazing feat. I also loved Coach Carter, but that could have had something to do with the fact that they quoted Nelson Mandela, and that's one of my favourite quotes to date.

I guess Music acts the same way, as do books, films, ideals, religion, hopes, dreams, despair and grief. The basis of all our relationships, are shared interests, ideas, beliefs and actions. Sometimes you find enough things in common, to create a big concrete foundation. And then we build our house of dreams. But anyone that's been in property development knows, it's not viable to invest into too many places at once. Not if you want quality.

So we build a few houses in our lifetime. And sometimes things go horribly wrong. Like, just as the roof-tiles are going up, some madman comes around with a huge chainsaw and cuts the supporting beams into teeny tiny wedges, so the whole house sits on an awkward slant, or falls to pieces.

And at this point, you may be wondering, what's with the House simile?? For about two years, the house next door to ours has been under construction... A great big house. And for years, I've thought about the importance of Foundations. At my high-school, we used to celebrate the day the foundations of the first building of our school were laid, about 11 years ago. Foundation Day. And I think that may even be more important than celebrating the day the buildings were completed.

Because once you create a Foundation, your intentions are clear. And so long as they're strong and straight and made from good materials, that same madman can come around with his axe again and again, and you'll still be able to rebuild. Torrential floods can sweep away your furniture and light-fittings and turn it all into debris, but those are just the additional things. And so, when it comes to the day that I have to go and choose bricks, and tiles, and wallpaper, you may well see me sitting on the ground admiring a bag of concrete.

Love, Kavi

PS. Over the past few days I've been running around with a camera, taking photos to show you my beautiful Canberran life. Look out for the next post :)