Frustrated sigh in words.

Ack. I feel a post coming on. Not enough time to write it. Kind of drowning in everyone's collective stress and slightly mercenary ambition. Kind of surprised I didn't see it coming.

Feeling constricted.
Need a night in my tree.
Soon enough, soon enough.

And then dog days will be over.

Feeling Drunk With Possibility (is only good in small doses)

Having endless choices and possibilities is not necessarily a good thing.

And tonight, I figured it out. Over the past few weeks, I've been doing group work, and one of our members is this amazingly chilled-out girl who's always on top of all her work, but has a life outside of uni, and a sense of humour.

There comes a point when you reach a desicion in your life, decide to do something, and then just stick with it and do it.

And when you live alone and are responsible for yourself (which is harder than I realise), and feel drunk with possibility and want to try everything, that's hard.

But after a few weeks of putting on weight and feeling unhealthy and not sleeping and not getting enough done, I get frustrated.

So, time to try something new? Routine? Ugh. Always hated the word, it made me think my life had crossed a border and moved into Boring Lane.

But maybe if you actually get stuff done, then spontaneity and fun times can be had without guilt?

Nothing like the insane timetables I draw up and never follow (because they are devoid of fun and not humanly possible), but trying out a little bit of responsibility and finding fulfillment in the life I have ultimately chosen for myself.

Because it's sad when you have a guitar sitting alone, waiting to be played, while you sit alone, thinking of all the things you should be doing, or should have done already so you CAN play that guitar and reach new heights of musical genius. Or bake yummy things. Or call up a friend in the middle of the night to watch The Lion King, without either of you remembering your list of Things to Do that is forever growing and never being achieved.

I turn 19 in a week. Pretty sure I should get a few things up to scratch by then. Because it's hard to give the best of yourself to your relationships, and to find time to relax and have fun, if you're not giving yourself your best. We're usually so good at fulfilling our obligations to others- whether that be our student, or group members, or family, but rarely give our best for our own sake.

One week to 19... and the adventure continues... with an awesome mathematical formula:

Kavita + Med + Happiness + Amazing people - Procrastination -Uncertainty -Stress = Super times

English, Rahul Bose and The Jezabels.

So, UNSW Artsweek is about to kick off.

And, drowning in medical jargon and the ethics of a smoking ban, I have found solace staring at the Bachelor of Arts English courses. The more time I spend at uni, the more I have come to realise that studying English and Music in high school kept me sane. I think we all have a thing that keeps our minds clear and creative energy flowing. I have huge huge huuge respect for creative people who can think outside the box and pursue risky pathways for the sake of beauty and truth. And most of the people I have met this year are multitalented. On one hand this makes me realise, there are probably many things one can decide to dedicate their life to. But then again, what's stopping you or me or anyone from pursuing countless things that bring happiness or fulfilment.

Identity doesn't just originate from profession, or qualifications or success. And I genuinely believe that being a loving human being is more important than hitting your head when you get to the top of the ladder. There are a lot of people in this world that prioritise their lives differently, and that's fine, but often instead of getting through my List of Things To Do, I find myself in hours of conversation with people (and yes, that's partly in an effort to prolong procrastination efforts). But it's amazing how much a person will tell you if they feel you're present. And the ability to put your faith and trust into anyone is an equally amazing thing. A friend said to me 'it frightens me, being so emotionally naked.' But it's so important to feel real trust and companionship in your life. It makes days fuller, and breaks walls and hurt and deep pain that so many people bury inside them.

At the core of life are a few things; love, fear, pain, joy, and change. But like John Mayer says, The Heart Of Life is good. And I don't see how, so long as we do good and try hard and be proactive, life won't be equally good. Obviously there are those things we can't control... but waking up each day with determination is a good way to make sure you go to bed with satisfaction (George Lorimer). And having people around you who love and respect your choices and your life and pretty important too. I feel blessed for the people in my life because they make life seem tangible, they give it spark! and pizzaz and a sprinkling of condiments.

There's a guy I admire a lot, a free spirit, writer, actor and do-gooder and his name is Rahul Bose. He once did a fabulous interview and said many things I agree with and find to be inspiring, the link for which is HERE. One quote I particularly like is this: 'I live because I'm up for the next day, because I'm hoping my soul would evolve a little bit from the previous day.' I like that idea of evolution of the soul. It means we're not simply existing and doing things out of necessity, but that each day is contributing to a greater goal. I don't know what the meaning of life is, I'm not sure it can be defined, but surely getting closer to the best human being you can be is a pretty good goal, while still acknowledging the inevitable flaws and mistakes we all have/make.

And after a splurging of thoughts... today's song. 'Hurt Me' by The Jezabels.

Kavi.

प्रेम

In Love

Our Vibrant Eyes

Young, Open, Unafraid.

Tip-toe from night to morning

I miss being awake like this. In another time, this is when I would compose, music, words, anything. Nocturnality brings with it a different energy.

Living in a block of student apartments, it's rare to see the majority of lights from the rooms opposite mine turned off.

And in a city that never sleeps, rarer still to feel like you are the only one awake, experiencing the sky at it's darkest. Ungodly hours that few trespass upon on a Tuesday morning.

And as always, there is a song.

Blinding

I'm not sure if it's possible for the sky to be so devoid of shades, viscous and enthralling that is seems blinding in it's darkness. But that's how it seems.

Lately I've been thinking a lot, falling into the trap of overthinking at times and this night-air clarity comes at the right time. Everyone goes through second-guessing, insomnia, sleeplessness, exhaustion, regret. We all exist in our little pools of pain, and sadness at times. Darkness has always carried with it, negative connotations, the absence of light symbolic of the absence of God. A remnant of death... a reminder perhaps that there are times when all we are enveloped by is our own uncertainty- clinging, syrupy blackness.

But darkness brings silence, and empty hours that can be filled alone, whether that be within our dreaming minds or awake amongst books and thoughts. Hours stolen during daylight interacting in the lives of others and weaving our paths closer and closer together, with the night our only time of loneliness. And sometimes you need to be alone.

No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone

No more calling like a crow, for a boy, for a body in a garden

No more dreaming like a girl, so in love, so in love

No more dreaming like a girl, so in love with the wrong world.

The Prince and Princess.

Ok. So I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be in bed, sleeping or studying. But I just came across an old song that I love. Love love love. To the point where I have listened to it on repeat on several occasions. I also have a wonderful room-mate with an equally wonderful boyfriend and together they make up one of the cutest couples I have ever seen (and this song reminds me of them). And I realise it sounds like I'm gushing, but, I spent the whole day feeling sick and useless and this is a welcome change. So, topics of the night: John Legend and 'The art of romance' (in films)

John Legend is an underrated gem... he writes some of the most beautiful, uplifting music with accompanying lyrics that are sweet, simple and realistic. Take 'Ordinary people' for example. It's honest, he doesn't pretend relationships run smoothly like electric trains. But at the same time, it's romantic.

The song I've been listening to is 'Each day gets better' (also, if ever you see a song name, it's a link to Youtube. Which reminds me of the funniest chem class I ever had, involving two dumb boys, a U-tube and a faulty tap, but that's a different story) I pretty much love all of it, except the bridge. Which is odd for me, because I'm usually a person who will listen to an entire song just for the bridge.

Now... on to romance. See, the unfortunate thing is, the term has become part of the definition of 'cheesy' because of all the sucky 'romance novels' and 'romantic comedies' (though, there are a whole bunch of rom-coms that I love, I won't lie).

A list of movie romances:
1. Jack and Rose standing at the stern of the boat with Celine Dion serenading them into a passionate love affair with a catastrophic end (I was on a boat yesterday. The stern is where the smokers go. Yay for passive smoking. Damn you Hollywood!!!! *shakes fist*)
2. Crazy intense I-I-I-I WILL AAAALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUUUUU type of romance(Whitney Houston has an impressive larynx) Which I'm not so sure about... on one hand it kind of feaks me out, but on the other I have to wonder if everybody goes through a little bit of it? ie. Romeo and Juliet, or Moulin Rouge
3. Odd/Funny romance- I'm thinking guitars, poetry, tic-tacs in the mail (anything from Juno), m'n'm pizzas (the princess diaries) random things that nobody understands (but not weird, creepy things)
4. Teenage backseat/in the hallways/infuriating parents/raucous parties/nerds and jocks/excessive hormones romance (that isnt really romance at all) that should never leave high school (and should really not be made anymore because there are too many crappy ones to choose from already)
5. Bollywood romance. It used to be drama, music, drama, music, fancy clothes, sincere and uncomplicated love. But's it's evolved over the years to something pretty tangible and realistic. Watch 'Wake up Sid' for a good example. Arthouse Bollywood is amazing and completely different but I'll have to dedicate a post to that later. PS. One of my favourite scenes EVER is from Monsoon Wedding, when the builder/decorator gives the maid a heart made from marigolds. They are the greatest couple in that movie.
6. Classics- Notting Hill, Pretty Woman, My best friend's wedding (woah that's a lot of Julia Roberts), The Wedding Singer, When Harry Met Sally

And that's my list for now. The truth is, I'm exhausted and this cold is catching up with me again and draining any mental dexterity I had left. A day of movie marathon-ing and chilli-hot chocolates would be great, but... not possible. Sigh.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better!

Kavi :)