I have always found the idea of light, as a symbol for hope, God, freedom or truth an interesting one. Colour fits in there beautifully. The eternal dance between these two forces is what gives our world vitality and life, adding Dimension and Richness to the canvas that is our universe.
But the point of tonight's post is to reveal the colours that light up my own life, and draw out different parts of my being.
Orange- It turns out, orange is an important colour, one that represents a group of warm, loving women, who are strong and steady influences. Somewhere along the line you became an essential colour. Didn't even see it happening. And now I can't imagine life without you.
Fuschia pink- you're so full of life, love and optimism. I chose this colour because you wear this beautiful pink sweater, and because you're so bright. The future is ours!
Little Red- you rock out a red coat like no-one else I know. And you've got a fair bit of fire. You make me feel like almost anything is possible.
Any kind of Blue- I could have chosen pink. But, blue because you make me calm, you're my voice of reason and a constant companion. Blue skies are one of my favourite things in the world, and you are one of the most important. You keep my grounded, we've had our rainy days but you're always there.
Black- I once wrote a description, but it turns out you're no longer a fixture in my life. You're a shade that's passed, and a reminder of what I have left behind in search of better things. You're beautiful, solid, unchangeable, but you don't represent anything important to my present.
Turquoise- You're changeable and you confuse me like no other. But you're the most beautiful thing in my life, and it's starting to become clearer to me now. You encompass everything that is light and dark in my life, my past, present and future wrapped up in your elusive composition.
Green- You're the hardest to admit. For you, I could write novels and never come to close to understanding. I think I can only accept.
Purple- The more I think about it, the more this seems like the most fitting colour. Lilac, soft, easy on the eyes, soothing. And sometimes, dark, bright, furious purple. Full of depth and richness. A tangible and intense beauty, that leaves me tempted to tip the scales. Maybe it would be easier to just arrange you in horizontal layers and lay vertically, equally immersed in both. If I could get close enough to do that.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The Problem
Not sure if it's necessarily a bad thing. If anything it shows how lucky I am to have beautiful people in my life.
But no matter where I am, there will always be someone, somewhere else, who I miss dearly.
But no matter where I am, there will always be someone, somewhere else, who I miss dearly.
Monday, January 24, 2011
The importance of purging.
It's true. 'Purging' is not the most attractive word. In fact, on a scale of 1-10 in word attractiveness, taking into consideration that it often refers to bulimia, or emptying the bowels I'd probably only give it a 2.
That said, to purge; rid of guilt, sin, defilement and impurities is an important thing. Whether that be your own self-destructive thoughts, desires borne of anger, anger in itself, ego, unwarranted sadness, confusion, mistakes, bad memories/influences or even negative people. It is a difficult thing to decide to do. But it must be done.
And so, as of now I am on the road to getting rid of the following (some more serious than others):
-White bread- because I've eaten wholemeal for 2 months now. It's not so bad.
-Late night snacking
-Behaviours cultivated from the influence of people in my past
-Mess. I'm a messy person. It's not a good thing!
-Old anger. Mostly because the cause for this is unlikely to change, and thus, unworthy of my time
-Negativity. Because really, it's crippling and useless. Which is not to say I will become one of those annoyingly optimistic people who fail to see the reality of their lives.
-Self doubt. I'm slowly realising my intuition isn't too inaccurate... gut feelings are completely legit.
- This locket of unhappiness hanging around my neck. It's not even my own unhappiness. I fear to be unhappy, because this locket is on the brink of becoming an anchor. Got to keep my head above water.
That said, to purge; rid of guilt, sin, defilement and impurities is an important thing. Whether that be your own self-destructive thoughts, desires borne of anger, anger in itself, ego, unwarranted sadness, confusion, mistakes, bad memories/influences or even negative people. It is a difficult thing to decide to do. But it must be done.
And so, as of now I am on the road to getting rid of the following (some more serious than others):
-White bread- because I've eaten wholemeal for 2 months now. It's not so bad.
-Late night snacking
-Behaviours cultivated from the influence of people in my past
-Mess. I'm a messy person. It's not a good thing!
-Old anger. Mostly because the cause for this is unlikely to change, and thus, unworthy of my time
-Negativity. Because really, it's crippling and useless. Which is not to say I will become one of those annoyingly optimistic people who fail to see the reality of their lives.
-Self doubt. I'm slowly realising my intuition isn't too inaccurate... gut feelings are completely legit.
- This locket of unhappiness hanging around my neck. It's not even my own unhappiness. I fear to be unhappy, because this locket is on the brink of becoming an anchor. Got to keep my head above water.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Songs of Summer
It's been a while since I posted about music (gasp!) and there've been a few songs that have caught my ear lately, one way or another. And again, the constant rediscovery of the beauty in music reminds me that no matter how confused/unhappy I might be feeling, there is happiness somewhere, in something :)
So, for tumultuous times, or just a reminder that things are 'going to be fine,' (apparently one of my most used phrases), medicine for your heart.
1. Sunlight- Bag Raiders
I pretty much love these guys. And I have always loved the idea of light as a symbol for purity, happiness and illumination of the truth, no matter how often it's used. I could probably write a whole post about Light, music, poetry and novels related to the idea (and I probably will, come to think of it)
2. Shukran Allah- from the movie Kurbaan
An example of Sufi music, a love song inspired by Sufism. It's beautiful.
3. Monks of Mellonwah- Swamp Groove
Introduced to me by a nutty friend :) I love it!
4. Far East Movement- Rocketeer
Post G6, these guys are obviously fans of air transport. I really like the sound of Ryan Tedder, and given my current episode of wanderlust/ desire to get on a plane, the lyrics are pretty perfect. I secretly want to empty out my bank account, get to the airport, and get on a random plane that can get me away from here and give me new perspective and release from expectation. But for now I'll bide my time and listen to this song.
So, for tumultuous times, or just a reminder that things are 'going to be fine,' (apparently one of my most used phrases), medicine for your heart.
1. Sunlight- Bag Raiders
I pretty much love these guys. And I have always loved the idea of light as a symbol for purity, happiness and illumination of the truth, no matter how often it's used. I could probably write a whole post about Light, music, poetry and novels related to the idea (and I probably will, come to think of it)
2. Shukran Allah- from the movie Kurbaan
An example of Sufi music, a love song inspired by Sufism. It's beautiful.
3. Monks of Mellonwah- Swamp Groove
Introduced to me by a nutty friend :) I love it!
4. Far East Movement- Rocketeer
Post G6, these guys are obviously fans of air transport. I really like the sound of Ryan Tedder, and given my current episode of wanderlust/ desire to get on a plane, the lyrics are pretty perfect. I secretly want to empty out my bank account, get to the airport, and get on a random plane that can get me away from here and give me new perspective and release from expectation. But for now I'll bide my time and listen to this song.
Monday, January 10, 2011
So, I'm pretty fortunate to be surrounded by a lot of smart, strong and sexy women. (Pity I'm not a guy or gay, I know).
The sad thing is this. In order to get a guy's attention (his intelligence status is irrelevant here), they have to downplay their; intelligence, independance, passion AND upgrade; sex appeal and amount of small clothing in wardrobe (or amount of clothing they're willing to take off). ' Dude what if she won't sleep with me?' Ummm.... she probably won't want to. Because you're a chauvinistic pig. AND YES! This post is going to be fraught with generalisations. Deal with it.
To add to that there's the added complication- not being taken seriously. There seems to be some misunderstanding, that if a woman shows her vulnerability, emotions, talks about poetry, or shows any kind of distress, she gets shoved into the 'silly, over-emotional woman' cupboard, her opinion no longer of any value (if it even was in the first place). For example- many men consider feminism to be something only upheld by homosexuals, angry women with unfortunate past histories and those who are sexually frustrated. So before you get to calling me a feminist freak, understand I don't hate men. I happen to like a lot of them. But the ones that annoy me are unfortunately a) hard to ignore, b) in my life and c) incredibly frustrating.
And it quite frankly, pisses me off, when one of the brightest women I know tells me that the only way she can get a guy to not be completely threatened by her awesome personality is to act Dumb. It angers me further to know a lot of grown women (with a lot of talent) who had to give it all up once they got married, had kids, and settled into a lifestyle characterised by drudgery and mediocrity. The worst part, is they wouldn't have done it any other way, due to the ticking of the fricking biological clock (or circumstance, or the pressure to get married).
I'm getting into a profession, where I won't be fully qualified until im in my 30's. Fellow female med students have discussed this- we gotta get the degree, hold our own, find the guy, get the house, car etc and spawn. And no, it's not something our male counterparts have particularly had to consider. There's about 10 years to do all of that in between the end of the degree and the end of the fully operating ovaries. Talk about pressure. And THEN! (for some of us), you have to take time out of the profession to raise them. Don't get me wrong, I hear it's a lot of fun. But 5 years out of the game is a long time, considering it's going to take me 7 years to get the degree. The really sad thing is, the number of times I've been advised by various WOMEN to become a GP so I can take care of my children (note: these children do not exist yet, apart from the presence of 23-chromosome egglets in my body). So forgive me if I decide NOT to make life desicions based on people that DONT exist, and probably wont when I get around to choosing a specialty.
And yes. I have ranted. No, do not read this and laugh it off. I have a niggling feeling there will be more, when I can put it into words.
The sad thing is this. In order to get a guy's attention (his intelligence status is irrelevant here), they have to downplay their; intelligence, independance, passion AND upgrade; sex appeal and amount of small clothing in wardrobe (or amount of clothing they're willing to take off). ' Dude what if she won't sleep with me?' Ummm.... she probably won't want to. Because you're a chauvinistic pig. AND YES! This post is going to be fraught with generalisations. Deal with it.
To add to that there's the added complication- not being taken seriously. There seems to be some misunderstanding, that if a woman shows her vulnerability, emotions, talks about poetry, or shows any kind of distress, she gets shoved into the 'silly, over-emotional woman' cupboard, her opinion no longer of any value (if it even was in the first place). For example- many men consider feminism to be something only upheld by homosexuals, angry women with unfortunate past histories and those who are sexually frustrated. So before you get to calling me a feminist freak, understand I don't hate men. I happen to like a lot of them. But the ones that annoy me are unfortunately a) hard to ignore, b) in my life and c) incredibly frustrating.
And it quite frankly, pisses me off, when one of the brightest women I know tells me that the only way she can get a guy to not be completely threatened by her awesome personality is to act Dumb. It angers me further to know a lot of grown women (with a lot of talent) who had to give it all up once they got married, had kids, and settled into a lifestyle characterised by drudgery and mediocrity. The worst part, is they wouldn't have done it any other way, due to the ticking of the fricking biological clock (or circumstance, or the pressure to get married).
I'm getting into a profession, where I won't be fully qualified until im in my 30's. Fellow female med students have discussed this- we gotta get the degree, hold our own, find the guy, get the house, car etc and spawn. And no, it's not something our male counterparts have particularly had to consider. There's about 10 years to do all of that in between the end of the degree and the end of the fully operating ovaries. Talk about pressure. And THEN! (for some of us), you have to take time out of the profession to raise them. Don't get me wrong, I hear it's a lot of fun. But 5 years out of the game is a long time, considering it's going to take me 7 years to get the degree. The really sad thing is, the number of times I've been advised by various WOMEN to become a GP so I can take care of my children (note: these children do not exist yet, apart from the presence of 23-chromosome egglets in my body). So forgive me if I decide NOT to make life desicions based on people that DONT exist, and probably wont when I get around to choosing a specialty.
And yes. I have ranted. No, do not read this and laugh it off. I have a niggling feeling there will be more, when I can put it into words.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Got to talking about how much I have changed, in the past year, even in the past 2 months.
Either that, or I have gone through a bunch of phases, with my identity (mostly) intact. Outside forces, my own anger and confusion have pushed me to act like someone I don't think I really am. But then, identity is such a fluid thing. At the time it felt right.
What's interesting, is seeing who's still going to stick around for you when you aren't entirely yourself. When you're confused, or lonely or just angry. Interesting to see who can still treat you with patience and respect, and watch you quietly, hoping you change, or learn something, or let go of whatever it is that is holding you back. Most interesting to see, who, out of the many people in your life, will even realise something's not ok. Who will try and talk some sense into you. Who will watch you cry, clench your fists, witness you as you stop in the middle of the street to scream, as you become silent, as you walk around with a heart full of hurt and anger and still show patience.
And patience is not an easy thing. But if you have it, it shows a hell of a lot about you.
I started thinking about this a few weeks ago, having unearthed Room for Squares (after almost a year!) and listening to Not Myself- John Mayer . I realise his music is featuring a lot lately, but I think that's only because for me, coming home to my family and my past, is also coming home to his music and all the things that gave me guidance and explanations for life as I grew up. I'm realising I was pretty fortunate as a teenager to have people around me willing to talk about the harder things surrounding life. I had a lot of time and freedom to figure out who I was. Coming home has almost given me the chance to do that all over again. Except this time, I have my own concrete beliefs, and I've accumulated more experiences. This time there is more to confront, because there's more that I know. This time, I'm relying less on what people tell me, and more on what I feel is right.
But then, there are hard questions. John Mayer sings 'And I, in time, will come around. I always do for you.' Which makes me realise, there are few people I have been completely open with, who've seen the transformations, good or bad. And then there are those who probably haven't even realised. And the difficult question is, can someone love you without fully knowing you, or understanding you? Can they love you without having felt extreme frustration toward you, or anger, or concern? Is the mark of love in some ways, the fact that you care so much it makes you angry, on behalf of the person you love? Or even, angry at them because you see potential, or you see they are sinking into something they are not? I can count the number of people who care about me enough to get angry FOR me, on one hand. Is that the difference, between being IN love with someone, and loving them?
And then, the most difficult question. Is the person you love, in love with you, or do they love you, for all your faults, anxieties, insecurities, flaws. Will they watch you change, and wait, and still be there on the other side? Do you have that patience? Do they?
I guess you won't really know until crunch time. But then, you'll also know if it's all been worthwhile.
Either that, or I have gone through a bunch of phases, with my identity (mostly) intact. Outside forces, my own anger and confusion have pushed me to act like someone I don't think I really am. But then, identity is such a fluid thing. At the time it felt right.
What's interesting, is seeing who's still going to stick around for you when you aren't entirely yourself. When you're confused, or lonely or just angry. Interesting to see who can still treat you with patience and respect, and watch you quietly, hoping you change, or learn something, or let go of whatever it is that is holding you back. Most interesting to see, who, out of the many people in your life, will even realise something's not ok. Who will try and talk some sense into you. Who will watch you cry, clench your fists, witness you as you stop in the middle of the street to scream, as you become silent, as you walk around with a heart full of hurt and anger and still show patience.
And patience is not an easy thing. But if you have it, it shows a hell of a lot about you.
I started thinking about this a few weeks ago, having unearthed Room for Squares (after almost a year!) and listening to Not Myself- John Mayer . I realise his music is featuring a lot lately, but I think that's only because for me, coming home to my family and my past, is also coming home to his music and all the things that gave me guidance and explanations for life as I grew up. I'm realising I was pretty fortunate as a teenager to have people around me willing to talk about the harder things surrounding life. I had a lot of time and freedom to figure out who I was. Coming home has almost given me the chance to do that all over again. Except this time, I have my own concrete beliefs, and I've accumulated more experiences. This time there is more to confront, because there's more that I know. This time, I'm relying less on what people tell me, and more on what I feel is right.
But then, there are hard questions. John Mayer sings 'And I, in time, will come around. I always do for you.' Which makes me realise, there are few people I have been completely open with, who've seen the transformations, good or bad. And then there are those who probably haven't even realised. And the difficult question is, can someone love you without fully knowing you, or understanding you? Can they love you without having felt extreme frustration toward you, or anger, or concern? Is the mark of love in some ways, the fact that you care so much it makes you angry, on behalf of the person you love? Or even, angry at them because you see potential, or you see they are sinking into something they are not? I can count the number of people who care about me enough to get angry FOR me, on one hand. Is that the difference, between being IN love with someone, and loving them?
And then, the most difficult question. Is the person you love, in love with you, or do they love you, for all your faults, anxieties, insecurities, flaws. Will they watch you change, and wait, and still be there on the other side? Do you have that patience? Do they?
I guess you won't really know until crunch time. But then, you'll also know if it's all been worthwhile.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
The things nobody ever says.
If I were a boy.
I'd drive around, burn things down, speak in monosyllabic tones, grit my teeth, push my fists into the hallway walls, and still have arms to run home to. I'd come home, eventually. I'd have no limitations. Nothing would be impossible, unwise or impractical. I'd have all the time in the world.
I'd break your heart a thousand times, watch you cry, create an uncomfortable silence and then wait for you to apologise.
I'd 'misbehave.' Sneak through your open window, hide under the bed, lie about where I really am, watch you sink into vulnerability, break all the unspoken laws in the hours before sunrise. And then I'd return to my life, unscathed. Never held accountable, never with the burden of shame or secrecy, or something worse. Not knowing that you're sitting in a corner, with mud all over your name and tears streaked down your cheeks. Not accused of anything.
My son, my son, my son, they'd cry. You're home, here, eat. Here, sleep. Here, take everything. You stud, you badass, you adventurer, you free spirit. You're going to be a great man one day.
Hahahahahaha. A great man.
Daughters- John Mayer
I'd drive around, burn things down, speak in monosyllabic tones, grit my teeth, push my fists into the hallway walls, and still have arms to run home to. I'd come home, eventually. I'd have no limitations. Nothing would be impossible, unwise or impractical. I'd have all the time in the world.
I'd break your heart a thousand times, watch you cry, create an uncomfortable silence and then wait for you to apologise.
I'd 'misbehave.' Sneak through your open window, hide under the bed, lie about where I really am, watch you sink into vulnerability, break all the unspoken laws in the hours before sunrise. And then I'd return to my life, unscathed. Never held accountable, never with the burden of shame or secrecy, or something worse. Not knowing that you're sitting in a corner, with mud all over your name and tears streaked down your cheeks. Not accused of anything.
My son, my son, my son, they'd cry. You're home, here, eat. Here, sleep. Here, take everything. You stud, you badass, you adventurer, you free spirit. You're going to be a great man one day.
Hahahahahaha. A great man.
Daughters- John Mayer
I need to do something with my life.
I feel like I'm waiting at an intersection. Just sitting here, waiting to get on the road and get moving. Doesn't matter where I'm going particularly, I Just have to get passed this damned little alley way and get under the stars while my soul is still young and foolhardy.
Perhaps! This is merely hibernating period. AND THEN!
BAM! Yes, BAM! Something will hit me. Or I'll hit something.
Either way, excitement for the future. Yes sirreee. ANd Now I'm off to bed. So I can wake up in the morning without my insane notions and carry out life, in the way that has been prescribed and approved for me. But never fear! Something interesting is waiting around the corner.... it's probably dangerous and bad for me.... PERHAPS! that's a chance I'm willing to take.
Also, I'm a sucker for guitarists, and guitar solos. I think, rock'n'roll is indeed a corrupting thing. I think it just got to my head. Oh deary me, indeed little old people with your wagging fingers and excessive paranoia instilled from years of experience and heartache and whatnot. I think this is the part, where I (in a belated fashion) decide to be a teenager and say- I don't need someone to tell me who to be today. Or tomorrow. Or ever.
Let the chaos ensue? (At least for the next 5 minutes in my head)
Yes.
Perhaps! This is merely hibernating period. AND THEN!
BAM! Yes, BAM! Something will hit me. Or I'll hit something.
Either way, excitement for the future. Yes sirreee. ANd Now I'm off to bed. So I can wake up in the morning without my insane notions and carry out life, in the way that has been prescribed and approved for me. But never fear! Something interesting is waiting around the corner.... it's probably dangerous and bad for me.... PERHAPS! that's a chance I'm willing to take.
Also, I'm a sucker for guitarists, and guitar solos. I think, rock'n'roll is indeed a corrupting thing. I think it just got to my head. Oh deary me, indeed little old people with your wagging fingers and excessive paranoia instilled from years of experience and heartache and whatnot. I think this is the part, where I (in a belated fashion) decide to be a teenager and say- I don't need someone to tell me who to be today. Or tomorrow. Or ever.
Let the chaos ensue? (At least for the next 5 minutes in my head)
Yes.
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