Got to talking about how much I have changed, in the past year, even in the past 2 months.
Either that, or I have gone through a bunch of phases, with my identity (mostly) intact. Outside forces, my own anger and confusion have pushed me to act like someone I don't think I really am. But then, identity is such a fluid thing. At the time it felt right.
What's interesting, is seeing who's still going to stick around for you when you aren't entirely yourself. When you're confused, or lonely or just angry. Interesting to see who can still treat you with patience and respect, and watch you quietly, hoping you change, or learn something, or let go of whatever it is that is holding you back. Most interesting to see, who, out of the many people in your life, will even realise something's not ok. Who will try and talk some sense into you. Who will watch you cry, clench your fists, witness you as you stop in the middle of the street to scream, as you become silent, as you walk around with a heart full of hurt and anger and still show patience.
And patience is not an easy thing. But if you have it, it shows a hell of a lot about you.
I started thinking about this a few weeks ago, having unearthed Room for Squares (after almost a year!) and listening to Not Myself- John Mayer . I realise his music is featuring a lot lately, but I think that's only because for me, coming home to my family and my past, is also coming home to his music and all the things that gave me guidance and explanations for life as I grew up. I'm realising I was pretty fortunate as a teenager to have people around me willing to talk about the harder things surrounding life. I had a lot of time and freedom to figure out who I was. Coming home has almost given me the chance to do that all over again. Except this time, I have my own concrete beliefs, and I've accumulated more experiences. This time there is more to confront, because there's more that I know. This time, I'm relying less on what people tell me, and more on what I feel is right.
But then, there are hard questions. John Mayer sings 'And I, in time, will come around. I always do for you.' Which makes me realise, there are few people I have been completely open with, who've seen the transformations, good or bad. And then there are those who probably haven't even realised. And the difficult question is, can someone love you without fully knowing you, or understanding you? Can they love you without having felt extreme frustration toward you, or anger, or concern? Is the mark of love in some ways, the fact that you care so much it makes you angry, on behalf of the person you love? Or even, angry at them because you see potential, or you see they are sinking into something they are not? I can count the number of people who care about me enough to get angry FOR me, on one hand. Is that the difference, between being IN love with someone, and loving them?
And then, the most difficult question. Is the person you love, in love with you, or do they love you, for all your faults, anxieties, insecurities, flaws. Will they watch you change, and wait, and still be there on the other side? Do you have that patience? Do they?
I guess you won't really know until crunch time. But then, you'll also know if it's all been worthwhile.
Incredibly true.
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