Seeking approval

Why is this such a big thing?
And as much as I'd love to say, I'm a complete individual with no insecurities, who never feels the need for approval from another person, I can't.

I'll be honest, that's hard to admit. But the reality is, I'm not entirely sure if I've even been living my life out loud. And I don't mean loud- clubbing, dancing, drinking, out there, popularity loud. I mean, doing what I truly want to do for the sheer heck of it, instead of going along with something I don't like, or don't feel comfortable with because it'll make other people happy, or make me feel more valued as a friend or daughter. Going with the crowd, bending my head and accepting my fate, chasing after affection, whatever it may be.

Facebook is kind of notorious for conforming. I guess it's supposed to be a place where we can let loose and let people know 'what's on our minds,' passive aggressive/depressing statuses about bitches and breakups included. But really, we're all getting home and getting online. It's scary.
That's a number of hours a day you could be spending reading, learning a new talent, SLEEPING, eating, or actually spending time with the people you stay up all night talking to. It's valuable, valuable time. And we, intoxicated by our youth, are unable to see that. It's not just a tool of procrastination- we think that by disabling it 2 weeks before exams, we'll be successful. It's become a mentality. A cultural phenomenon, sure, but is it a good one?

Rarely do you meet someone after 5 minutes and consider them a friend. And then lay a lot of you life bare for them to look at. Or spend time looking at their life when you should probably be doing something more interesting. I'm sure there have been countless psychology and sociology papers written about this, and they're probably worded better with better evidence. But I'm starting to realise how little I know about the world. And I shudder to think, how much time I've spend aimlessly scrolling down a page, reading things about people that I honestly don't really care about.

Facebook rant aside, back to the title. Approval. There are some, incredible people, that actually don't give a shit. And I don't mean in a broad sense- they're not defined by societal norms and restrictions etc etc. It's not that hard to embrace your weirdness in that sense. I mean, in a more intimate way. Friends, parents, boyfriends, girlfriends. They aren't influenced by these people in a way that compromises their individuality and/or independence. But are they close to the people they love? I wonder sometimes. Because no matter how outrageous some of my beliefs are, and how determined I may come across as, ultimately it's very hard for me to separate my life from the people around me, in a way that allows me to live in complete freedom, without taking into consideration other people's opinions. I'm not entirely sure if it's possible to do that, and still have meaningful relationships with mutual understanding, because ultimately everybody wants a little bit of ownership over you and a little bit of attachment. I understand that- you love people, you do right by them, and then there's a certain expectation that they can in turn provide you with the same love and support. Fair's fair. But there comes a time when it starts to feel like a contract. And it shouldn't.

So my question (and challenge for myself) is this: do you have the ability to live out loud AND keep the people in your life relatively happy?

A difficult juggling game.

Dormant fires

I'm sitting on the storm that i got soaked by.
The sun's only 7 miles away, and I can feel it rising out of me
Fearless sense of insanity, the jungle that grows inside of me.
Tangled in my hair, in you, in the new things you have planted
to restrict me.

But slowly I have come to tame the wilderness
Come to see, almost everything can be influenced, everyobody
can be controlled. But not me. I have unspoken things
I keep you on the outside, because I know you will run or be burned
I forget the number for Emergency.

Passions lie dormant for the sake of your satisfaction
Have you been satiated? Happy with this half-facet presented to you
And I will turn and melt and become moulded again
But the crystal core you can't get to, the most important
parts, are the ones that are unseen

But we can get a bass line and a dark night
We can get inebriated and take off one thing at a time
You can try to draw it out of me, like a silent scream
But you still won't be able to see.
My head's screwed on too tight, my heart is burning
In a fenced off cage, I don't know where I hid the key.

But the metal is close to melting, coming down
Down, down. It's going to burn down to the base.
You should start to run, I'll give you a head start.
I already have. Don't underestimate how far the heat will spread.
Make sure you're still able to breathe, keep a reserve.
Keep it down. Hide there in the corner.
Hold on tight.

And it begins

The summer is almost over, and I am once more packing up parts of my life, and mentally preparing myself for Year 2 of 7. Starting emptying out the contents of my wardrobe and desk and sorting through it all. Almost finished reading all of my novels, and already having had my first 'last minute freakout studying' dream, I'd say I'm as ready as I'll ever be.


The past few months have not been without heartache and confusion and reinvention. It's amazing how much you realise once you step away from a place/situation and look at it objectively. There are some things I no longer like, and some that I have more appreciation for than ever before.

And how much you realise you have missed when you go back home and back to your roots.


Here is a list:
-my family
-going for walks with my mum
-the constant sound of music
-a full fridge! FOOD!
-the sound of my family getting ready in the morning
-noise
-my big bed
-living near a lake
-living near friends
-my bookshelf. Oh so much.
-Bollywood movies, I don't watch them much in Sydney, because the songs make me cry
-driving
-my job, and the kids I tutor

And obviously it's no Utopia. But there's a certain loneliness I get to escape when I'm here. No matter what's happening, I'm not spending my evenings and nights eating alone in my own little world. And I realise, that's sounds a little bit sad and pathetic, but sometimes that's how it feels. It makes me wonder, how many people are in my life out of necessity, and how many because my life is truly enriched by them.

But, ultimately, in 4 days I will be gone again. That's the inevitable truth Kavita. And yes, I'm going to be homesick for a little while, but I'm sure I'll settle into my old routines. But maybe I won't forget what I'm leaving behind quite so quickly. I come from a tiny family. We all play some vague, chaotic part in holding it all together. Chances are, you're more instrumental to the functioning ability of your family, than you think. And love you're born into most often, runs deeper than anything you create. Easy to forget, important not to.

So, What have I learnt this Summer?

I have learnt that I am stubborn. I have learnt that I need more confidence, self-assurance, and a grounding force. I have learnt that I am blessed, to have all the people that I do. I have learnt that the future is mine to write.

I have learnt that I am fluid. That I am open to change, and this is a good thing. I have learnt that I oscillate between trusting too much, and trusting too little. I have learnt, that I repress anger, there are many things that I need to let go of. I have learnt how to be healthy, the value of sleep. I have remembered what drives me. I have regained optimism. I have regained clarity, and I have hope.

You can get close, Yes. You can get warm. But you'll get no pie.

1. I don't understand people who brag about their 1000 friends on facebook. Here's the deal people. FB friends are not like the tokens you collect at arcades. Don't try to get as many as you can. At the end of the day, you WILL NOT win a stuffed animal for your efforts.

2. I do not understand those who lie for stupid reasons. I don't care if you got 89, or 98. As long as you're happy, nobody cares really. Find better reasons to fib.

3. Don't underestimate the importance of selectivity in who you choose to trust. Make no mistake, the most popular people are the best at keeping things hidden (or, more frequently, are able to change to suit their present company).

4. Seek the company of those older, and more mature than you. They will help you to grow. Seek the company of those who are younger than you. They will help you to see joy and optimism in your life.

5. Take ownership of your identity and your life. Take your fate into your own hands, as best you can. Don't stay dormant in the hope that something or someone will come along and change your situation for you.

6. You can only blame others for a certain amount of time. People will hurt you. If you hold onto that memory, you're only hurting yourself.

Just checking in.

I don't need no doctor, Because I know what's ailing me
Been too long without my baby, coming down with the misery.

Insert brilliant horns and a kick-ass bass-line and you've got yourself a winner.
And that is the song for tonight.
Got to get some shut-eye for an 8am dance class... :/
I emoticon, because I highly doubt my ability to get there on time/fully dressed. But let's see how I go.

Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeace.

(also, thoughts on funny women. yet to come, but watch this space)

Riding in cars with boys.

It's a movie featuring Drew Barrymore.

It's also something every girl does at least once. What's the appeal?

Freedom.

And so I go back a year and a bit, to an interesting phase filled with; parties, recklessness, getting home at 2am, only to study for the next week's final exams, deep-fried mars bars, loud music, and a lot of lights. Disregard for authority, the belief I knew Exactly what I was doing, restlessness and stupidity. Screaming matches, short-shorts, liberties taken for the sake of art, and always ending up in a secluded place near the water. Probably the most bad-ass I'm ever going to be because, I lived in the same city as my parents, and I always had a back-up plan. But a chapter worth remembering.

I have to wonder if I was getting it all out of my system before Life began and so did responsibility. Because I look back, and can't imagine being the girl that I was now. It's almost as if there's more at stake, or perhaps I'm just more aware of it now. I realised the other day, that no matter which way I spin it, I've left the nest and I have no choice but to be independant. And bold. But no longer in a rebellious, teenage way.

This is much bigger. And much more fulfilling.

Addressing your concerns.

My mother has fears,
for my safety, for my sanity
Maybe even wishes all my madness
could be replaced with simple vanity

But you've shown me
too much about reality
uncovered too much bullshit
for me to pretened there's no gravity

We're all falling down
drowning in Lola's spiral, and
time refuses to hold still
it's quality-less, it all goes viral

Except the lies we
wave aside, the dirty money, the greed
The innocents in 94' all begging
on their knees, prayers go unheeded

No spectacular memorial,
the date wasn't nine-eleven-oh-one, you see
Politics refuses to realise, we're dark
but deep, red blood we also bleed

And I dare you to go to
every school, the syllabus will never read
about the horror, death and loss
they have suffered through, every other creed

Now it's like a dirty word,
the mention of radicality,
and I am speaking revolution, not mathematically
a revolution in the way we think,
the words we dare to speak is what we need
The youth need to be taught how to read,
and how to see beyond the promise of 3D
Beyond the gossip of he and she, and when
their first time having sex will be
Beyond the promise of popularity,
Beyond their possessional prosperity

Beyond their parents expectations,
the importance of attaining that 99.3
outside of this little scoreboard world
lies a much bigger reality, the gravity

We're falling falling, out of time and out of line
the stanzas aren't equal, disconnected and out of time
Because I have many words and I'm in danger of falling out of rhyme
Fingers can't keep up with the fire, my heart's doing doubletime

You taught me how to see,
even taught me how to be,
How transparent the curtain is
that they are using to hide the truth from me

And I cannot stand still,
and say 'this is how the world will always be'
I cannot play it safe for you,
I cannot become deaf or mute,
I cannot live in illusion,
For the sake of both you and me.

Music composition.

Your intro is important, ten seconds to impress
Before I turn you off, and listen to something else
Maybe a little more, if I'm feeling generous
If it's been a long day, and you're not completely rhythm-less

But if your rhythm turns out to be vowel-less
And after the first verse, I can't get into the tune
Then it's time to try and hook me in,
If you're willing to modulate, I can turn it up again

At best, your chorus will be addictive,
and I'll toss and turn and sing it in my sleep
Or you'll get me staying up
Insomniac listening on repeat.

Final verse, and I think you've got me dancing
Lighting up the disco ball, and everything is shining
Midnight comes, the clock's still ticking
I lose track of time, of everything I've been thinking

And I am not interested, in what you could precede,
No track four, or the sound it has to offer me
Because, I am Here, I am in sync with your beat
4:50 minutes later, and your song is complete.

Lines to love.

'Insomniac since way back, see this what I been like
Bacon, eggs and pancakes, eating that at midnight.
Getting up and going hard, I don't need to Enzyte
Come across as very calm, mental state is zen-like
Always had a lot of heart, never been the tin type
My girlfriend is very fine, yes she is a ten, right'

LF, at his best, once again.
First two lines speak the truth, and remind me of a lot of people I know.
The third is just funny.
The fourth and fifth are things I like.
The sixth is the sweetest.

And I cannot wait for March 8.

A thought.

How many people
are you going to claim to love,
Before you realise you actually
dont care about at least 40% of them.
Dont throw words around
because you have the ability of speech
Let something remain sacred, subtle
Pure, even.
Don't throw words around because you are afraid
that somewhere out there is a person who dislikes you.
People dislike people. It's how they work.
Our differences cause us to find others irritating, (overly)dramatic, stupid.
It's human. Nobody is perfect in anyone's eyes.
You're flawed. Probably insecure at times. Like everyone else.
Don't ruin a word like 'love' for a reason like that.
Because there will be a special few, who you actually love
Who will actually catch you when you fall
Who genuinely like you for Who You Are.
Save the big words for them. Make it mean something.
And for everyone else, just leave it at 'like.' That's enough.

Trouble Sleeping

Title- entirely dedicated to a song. It's been a while. But I love her. (Corrine Bailey Rae, that is. I'm convinced she's one of the sexiest female musicians of our time. And she doesnt have to strip down to get that status) Listen to it!

So today I'm riding on quite a high, and a newfound sense of perspective and confidence. It's been a day of conversation- talking to two people on their commute home in Sydney. So you can blame me for the noisy person on the bus squealing about boys or vegetables. And, talking to my fabulous ex-teacher. Who's just the most brilliant woman I know.

And now I'm pretty happy. Meanwhile, people are trying to guess their colours :)
And there's a brilliant line in the song 'This constant compromise between thinking and breathing.' Not in a scary, going to die way. But you know those moments where everything is so intense and amazing that you forget to breathe? That's what it makes me think of.

Finally, are we sometimes wrong about people? I'm sure the answer is yes. And I'd like to be a big enough person to try again and iron out the creases. So, the future is bright.

And I have no problems admitting the fact that I'm falling in love. With life, with the present, the prospects of the future, and the incredible people in my life. Deeper and deeper and deeper in love :)