Seeking approval

Why is this such a big thing?
And as much as I'd love to say, I'm a complete individual with no insecurities, who never feels the need for approval from another person, I can't.

I'll be honest, that's hard to admit. But the reality is, I'm not entirely sure if I've even been living my life out loud. And I don't mean loud- clubbing, dancing, drinking, out there, popularity loud. I mean, doing what I truly want to do for the sheer heck of it, instead of going along with something I don't like, or don't feel comfortable with because it'll make other people happy, or make me feel more valued as a friend or daughter. Going with the crowd, bending my head and accepting my fate, chasing after affection, whatever it may be.

Facebook is kind of notorious for conforming. I guess it's supposed to be a place where we can let loose and let people know 'what's on our minds,' passive aggressive/depressing statuses about bitches and breakups included. But really, we're all getting home and getting online. It's scary.
That's a number of hours a day you could be spending reading, learning a new talent, SLEEPING, eating, or actually spending time with the people you stay up all night talking to. It's valuable, valuable time. And we, intoxicated by our youth, are unable to see that. It's not just a tool of procrastination- we think that by disabling it 2 weeks before exams, we'll be successful. It's become a mentality. A cultural phenomenon, sure, but is it a good one?

Rarely do you meet someone after 5 minutes and consider them a friend. And then lay a lot of you life bare for them to look at. Or spend time looking at their life when you should probably be doing something more interesting. I'm sure there have been countless psychology and sociology papers written about this, and they're probably worded better with better evidence. But I'm starting to realise how little I know about the world. And I shudder to think, how much time I've spend aimlessly scrolling down a page, reading things about people that I honestly don't really care about.

Facebook rant aside, back to the title. Approval. There are some, incredible people, that actually don't give a shit. And I don't mean in a broad sense- they're not defined by societal norms and restrictions etc etc. It's not that hard to embrace your weirdness in that sense. I mean, in a more intimate way. Friends, parents, boyfriends, girlfriends. They aren't influenced by these people in a way that compromises their individuality and/or independence. But are they close to the people they love? I wonder sometimes. Because no matter how outrageous some of my beliefs are, and how determined I may come across as, ultimately it's very hard for me to separate my life from the people around me, in a way that allows me to live in complete freedom, without taking into consideration other people's opinions. I'm not entirely sure if it's possible to do that, and still have meaningful relationships with mutual understanding, because ultimately everybody wants a little bit of ownership over you and a little bit of attachment. I understand that- you love people, you do right by them, and then there's a certain expectation that they can in turn provide you with the same love and support. Fair's fair. But there comes a time when it starts to feel like a contract. And it shouldn't.

So my question (and challenge for myself) is this: do you have the ability to live out loud AND keep the people in your life relatively happy?

A difficult juggling game.