Friday, March 4, 2011

Always questions, never answers.

I don't know if my endless philosophising makes people think I'm a little bit crazy, or pretentious, or suffer from the tendency to talk the talk, but not walk the walk.

And I'm not going to sit here and write up a list of achievements, an example and justification to my ideas that make up this endless and evolving essay of context and ideas that are slowly making me who I am. But I'm getting close to getting to my manifesto. Whether or not it's going to be going on the front cover of an album, or a book, or remain here in this little place on the internet, rarely traversed.

I was talking to friend yesterday. I'll put it out there, I tend to be the joke, rather than the joker in many conversations. Something that I find interesting and frustrating. I would love to be really quick and cut people down for the sake of humour and wittiness. And most of the time, I'm surrounded by incredible people who are OUT THERE, known, funny, talented (in anything from cooking to dancing to singing to being incredibly positive). They are people who can get things done, and get them done well.

Now, the reality is, outside of highschool-world, where it wasn't difficult to be different and to be talented, I'm a pretty average person. 5th grade piano, a little bit of singing, a little bit of writing and a little bit of dancing, but nothing too amazing. Your basic kid, rolling with the punches, and settling into mediocrity. Now, you can try to challenge that by taking on a lot, or wearing insane clothes, or preaching profanities for the sake of being noticed. Sometimes the temptation is there to learn to cartwheel or become a one-man-band, just because it's tough being surrounded by the best.

But here's a question. Is the more important thing WHO you are, rather that WHAT you can do? Are the silent talents the ones that you'll be remembered for later? Is it more important to strive to DO something positive for the world, rather than become SOMEBODY that everyone can remember? Don't get me wrong, people aren't just one or the other.

Up until a few days ago, I was sure of what I was going to do. Med/Arts, because I love to write, because I left a passion for English behind when I decided to pursue Medicine. Because I know that's something I'm pretty good at. But now I'm not so sure. Do I need that extra degree to prove where my strengths lie, or to feel better about who I am and what I can do? Is it going to make me feel more fulfilled? Is it more important for me to find a sense of fulfillment in what I'm already trying to get through? Is an extra year on campus, in uni, financially justifiable? Is there a point where you take on other people's needs and expectations and re-think your own dreams because it's just a neccessary thing to do?

School was a hell of a lot easier than this. Year 12 was a piece of cake. The older I get, the less I know. I'm not sure if I feel defeated or content or confused. A lot of the time, it feels like the world has already got the better of me. Maybe all you do in life is constantly fight that feeling and try to be content where you are now. It's like, as soon as you manage to get to a positive place, something walks in and tries to derail you and your confidence and your belief in yourself. At this point, I'd be happy to turn out to be half the person I hoped I would be when I walked out of highschool at 18.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Kavi -

    This is more than a little late - but if you have a passion for English and it makes you happy, then that's good enough. Finances will be fine when you're a doctor later on, and you don't need to justify everything in your life by how it contributes to the world. Do it for the pleasure of creation, and of expressing yourself. It's doesn't need to be fulfilment in the sense that it makes you feel good about your abilities - simple fulfilment from passion should be enough.

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