GOODBYE!

OH HOW EXCITED I AM TO BE RID OF THIS TERRIBLE WEEK!

Assignment done.
Cleaned up.
Slept and ate.

(Almost) Ready to start again.

at the very least
the barest minimum
i should be honest to myself
i owe myself perhaps that much.

futility

You're such an odd thing
You crave it so much
When it comes before you,
You become anxious with fear

Dreams of lifetimes spent
Engulfed, Immersed, Full
With the feeling of it,
Wishes you could have it

But when you do
Your heart sinks, words fail
It becomes too cloying,
starts clawing away at you

You're paralysed by it
and in that very same moment
you fantasise ways, means, methods
to grasp it tight, so you can revel

So you can fall in love
With yourself again, once you find it
It's a game of desire and yearning
And chance. Playing with your fears.

It's all you need
It's all you have to ask for
It will complete you
You've known this for so long

You cower, you hide, you pretend to be invisible
It's the only thing you want, and all you are afraid of.

Year 2, Term 3, Week 5.

My body is filled
with an empty nausea
filling the abyss
where my joy once lay
It's become so commonplace
I convince myself I'm full

Lay me down softly
Wrap your hands in gloves
Slice me cleanly
in the centre, cold blue
Take everything out and start again
Realign me, push my spine
to the right, to the left
Furrowed brow and the slightest scowl
Fury at the stupidity of the thing,
rather than the untimely nature of her death

Such a preventable disease,
If only she had made the lifestyle change
To build up a wall, lock up her pericardial space
and throw away the minute key
If only all the restrictions and feedback had worked
Emotions eating away like wild enzymes
Breaking down all the supporting tissues
Leaving nothing untouched.
Your response to damage just causes more pain.

The sadness lies in chronicity
You're destroying everything
Why can't you stop, why won't you leave
Why must you persist.
Leave my body, my life, my mind
Reduced to rotting, dying, oozing flesh
and scar tissue everwhere, so I'll never be able to forget.

Guilty (and not so guilty) pleasures

1. Gelato at 9pm (despite my cough)
2. Making people laugh
3. My modelling aspirations... :P
4. Lao Tzu Quotes
'Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished'
'Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage'
5. Super Bass- Nicki Minaj. It's just good, for some reason.
6. Skipping class for good conversation
7. love
8. Lame jokes
9. Leonard Cohen
'You go your way
I'll go your way too'

Quotes and things.

'But he has something... not a glow exactly, but some air of secrecy that you want to penetrate, a kind of fast-track competence or a know-how that you would like to have rub off on you.
He appears connected, he knows how to get on, and you feel that if you are close to him he will get on for the both of you..'

'I don't mind being the stolen stardust that sprinkles you with second-hand importance. I get my revenge on him and at the same time get to feel more cared for by you'

Wrote a bunch more. Net crashed.

Exhausting

I'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired.

But i can't sleep.

i have to finish this, i have to read that, i have to reply to this message, call that person, make note of this fact, freak out, 3 mini-heart attacks and 4 bouts of nausea.

50 things to worry about before breakfast.

I'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired.

Can't think, or i'll crumble.

I'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired.

Tired.

There are some days
when you should trust your gut intuition
turn off your phone
and stay in bed.

Freedom is the will to be responsible TO ourselves.