Citizen Cope

Discovered from watching copious amounts of Scrubs. I'm very excited.

If there's love...
I just want to have something to do with it,
I just want to feel yours.





Absence makes the heart grow lonely, and the mind too busy.

Goodbye and Good riddance.

2011 is finished, finally, thankfully, forever.

The last 2 years have been incredibly challenging, eye-opening, emotional, frightening and enlightening.

For all the ups and downs, the heartache, loss, gain and growth.
To have built a brand-new life, with brand-new relationships and struggles.
To create a brand-new home, and all the fears and aspirations that come with that.

I can't say the last two years have not been important and meaningful, but I am happy to usher them firmly into the past, so I can live out a new present and carve a bright future.

I'm a huge fan of resolutions, goals, lists and order. But this year I'm going to try to stay away from unachievable, horrendously long lists, which ultimately make me feel worse, rather than better.

This year I'm only planning on doing two things:
1. Don't take on other people's problems
2. Don't worry be happy. An amazing cliche, but really, your not living if you're only ever half-present, or if you're overridden by guilt or frustration.

This year, I want to let it all go :)

Change clothes.

You are what you eat, what you think and what you feel.

You can always change your diet and your thought process. You can even learn to modify your emotional reactions to difficult situations.

I truly believe in the power of thinking and positive energy. How you CHOOSE, yes, choose to see a situation will greatly impact the end result. I realise this makes me sound like a nutty motivational speaker, but it's the truth.

On a bad day, or a frightening day, when your nervous and scared sometimes it pays to take that extra 15 minutes- wear contact lenses, something nice and breathe.

A good song always helps too :)

Conquer your fears.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciouslygive other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,our presence automatically liberates others.

I don't like sport- but I love movies about sport, especially Coach Carter

LightWork

I don't care for similarities
Cause I'm a pioneer, not a parody
These aren't bars, this is barbarity


The more I think about it, the more I realise- In this life you have to stand for something bigger than just you. That's what makes it worthwhile. More than your WAM, your CV page, your day-to-day troubles and trifles. Once you find something bigger than you, your relationship worries, your screwed up history, your failing family, whatever it is that haunts you. We're all haunted by something, but the difference is whether or not you let that rule you.

Misdirected passion is unhelpful.
Undirected passion is even worse.
You're only as passionate as your actions show.
It's not good enough to become apathetic because you realise the system is flawed. The system is interested in your demise, your downfall, unless you have the guts to (figuratively) slap stupidity in the face.


Rebel against shit! Rebel with a cause, outlaw with the a lawyer.

We are too smart for this. Get your head out of your textbook minutiae and learn the world. Otherwise, there's really no fucking point.

Sweet Thing

It's been a while since my last 'FANGIRL SQUEE' post.

But I would like to take some time to talk about Mr. John Legend.

'John' is a pretty boring name, but it belongs to a few spectacular men.

John Legend is a man of soul, clarity and raw expression. His lyrics aren't filled with metaphor- they're pretty straightforward, and I like that.

Not to mention he gives Sex a voice. A low, rumbling, throaty voice.

The kind of music that you'd put on a playlist on repeat for a few hours and get a little hot and sweaty to.

I've loved Soul music since I was about 14- I had a dream of creating a beautiful soul piece for my final Year 12 assessment and getting the entire school choir to stand and sing it as the graduating class left the stage. (That didn't happen, but it's a very clear dream to me). The funny thing about John Legend, was that I bought his album on a whim. I liked the colour and the names of the songs.

Soul is easy to listen to, it doesn't require deciphering, it's honest, it's about love and life and it showcases artist's voices beautifully. The rhythm is always relaxed, slow and strong. It's a lazy afternoon in the summer sun. It's what you'd rather be doing when you're slugging it out and fighting through all your battles.

When I'm home, I like to cook and do the dishes and turn the music up so I can hear it from every room :)

And now, something to sooth your ears:
Hello, it's me


And here is the grammy performance that absolutely blew my mind when it happened. The Gods of Music looked down on me that day and Smiled. Grammy's 2007 performance of Love

goodnight lovely world
<3

man the fuck up.

You can't help the weak if you're too weak yourself.

I've come to realise that the majority of your strength has to come from your own self-belief.

Not anybody or anything else.


'The act of taking the first step is what separates the winners from the losers.'

Time to wake up then.
Goodbye Sunset
Hello beautiful burning Sunrise.
Let's see what you've got.

Leave my body

Death wishes to meet me, to seep through my consciousness, teach me something.
I disregard death, thinking, why should I spend my waking hours contemplating his final embrace.
Is that too sexist of me? If woman brings life, then man must bring death. Man, in a general sense, and Men, in all their guns and gusto.


In the last few years the strange call of death has become audible to me. I've watched my parents grieve, and felt guilt, because I couldn't understand. I once read, that if you were to ask a person to write unashamedly, stream of conscious, all their thoughts, love, sex, God and death would be the prevailing themes. It's surprisingly true.


But I have always wondered- why? Why do we immerse ourselves in these rituals, these ceremonies of death and plans for our corpses. Why not live instead? Is it the comfort of ritual, of having a plan, of knowing that, despite NO knowledge of the afterlife, our shells can be taken care of, and our loved ones are given an avenue for their grief?


I'm a Medicine student who looks at cadavers for knowledge. But we don't call them people, we don't refer to them as 'Mr. X's upper limb.' We call them specimens and without our knowledge, after the initial shock and inevitable fainting episodes, begin to coldly dissect and examine, poke and prod, watch videos of and attempt to physically learn the intricacies of the human body. Because that's all it becomes- a body. Tangible flesh, with once moving parts that served particular functions.


But would I donate my own body to medical pursuits? I don't know. I'm not sure what I think about the soul and the importance of maintaining the integrity of my body, even if it will just be burnt to ashes and scattered into the sea. That's a baseless idea I inherited from tradition, and despite my logical brain, it's something I have to consider.


I used to say, I had no fear of my own death, I just feared the deaths of those I love.
But then, that's still a fear of the unchangeable and inevitable. Loss and grief stem from a sense of personal loss, more often than not, and the shaking up of your own existence. Most often people grieve because they regret the mistakes they made and the time they did not spend.
I'm more concerned that they will not be happy, or comfortable, or well cared for when they most need it.


Geriatrics and palliative care are seen to be fairly depressing areas of Medicine. If you're not saving the patients life, what's the point? But I have realised in the past year that we aren't going to become doctor's so we can 'save lives,' though that is a wonderful ability to have. We're giving people more time, and better quality of life to live through that time.


I'm not afraid to die, and I would not want the people I leave behind to spend their days contemplating what could have been and what may have gone wrong. I won't be able to correct or console them. I don't think I will even know.
I think we should Live, while we still can.

Here's some Florence, to celebrate that we will be seeing her in concert next year.
Leave my body

doing things our way

I've witnessed all your acts of tradition
your 'cultural' values, your quiet hatred
that screams down the walls every saturday morning
my anxious heart beating wildly, a sickening tension

I lost all my appetite as a child, it's gone for good
from gagging on soaking cereal every morning
back in the day when your joint insanity made me cry
and sob and exhausted my body I vomited for all the guilt

let my children always know that they were borne out of love
and not some kind of badly thought out mistake.
and we young things will revel in all our love in this moment
without the labels, ceremonies or expected waiting
we explore our deepest, beautiful desires because we can
partially for fear that someday... we may end up just like you

but NO, never, we will always be free, pacts we made at 16
we'll run, we'll walk away, we'll search for what is better
not what is easier, what we are expected to bear
we will take our children and flee if our
love turns to fear
men into monsters
affection into abuse
passion into rage
hearts into tiny fragments
dreams shattered, hope scattered
lonely footsteps in new lands
clouded by uncomfortable silence
everybody knows
nobody speaks

but we will roar if you cross us.
go ahead, i dare you to try.
we will fight and win.
we will leave.
or throw you out.

a shit-talker converted to soul.

people always talk about the death of music.

untalented pretty young things in frilly panties,
excuse my faltering key, while i flash my body,
this lyric is nonsensical, but check my flexibility
when all else fails i'll say 'are you feeling me?'

Haha. Feeling me up more like it.
Teenage boys needn't look too far for their latest dose of sexuality.
Or maybe we're all too bare and it leaves everybody wanting more?
Porn addiction, I tell you. It's like, happy hour, in a bar, all the time (but thanks to the internet it's all free).

Anyway, as usual I digress.

I think we should all get back to our roots.
John Legend sings 'let's get back to touching, we'll get back to solid ground'

Have you noticed? It's always the simple things- like eating a meal with friends, that you all helped to cook, or sitting around and singing together. It's that smiling face that opens the door when you come home at night, and the goodbye kiss when you leave in the morning. It's lazing around underneath (or in!) a tree and talking about everything and nothing. It's 4 hour phone calls, turning up the music REALLY loud when the house is empty, and dancing all the time. It's finding joy in what you do and going to sleep each night, EXCITED about the days to come.

It's really being honest to yourself and following your heart. It's stripping back all the paintwork, all the added bling and being bare to your own self and realising, we're all amazing, deep down. We're part of a collective soul and a collective heart. We're all trying to achieve the same things.
I say this a lot but, it's all about love, and all the different permutations of love. Running with your hands outstretched and accepting what has happened, without being too anxious about what will happen. You're only a failure if you believe that.

But maybe I'm just coming from an inspired place, because I know I haven't always felt this way, least of all in the last year. But there's always something to learn and something to gain- but only if you look for it.

You can't undermine the power of patience and positivity. Sometimes everything falls to shit, but all you can really do is-
Love (yourself, your family, your people, your job, your life), and the rest will follow.

Aloe Blacc- You Make Me Smile

Bliss

400 lectures of content crammed in a 80 mark mcq exam

No biggie.

Life is SO very beautiful. I'll study my ass off soon, I promise.

Here is a Beyonce song that sums up how I feel perfectly.

Love on Top.




I'm losing track of time <3

How it is.

Now I'm vulnerable

So if you break my heart

There's no going back

In a couple years

I might reminisce

And I might miss you

But once we call it quits

You won't get another chance

So don't be too surprised.

when you try to hold me

I will always pull away.


Whoever you might be and whoever you are to me, you'll be the one and only.

Desire.

Good sound production is like decent sex.

Even if it's totally lacking in lyrical sensibility.

I love words and I love subtlety (just in case you didn't already know).

I love how people are able to use poetry to infer ideas, emotions and ideas.

I almost always pick love over lust.

But every so often you get a good bass line that overpowers everything else and it's easy to turn a blind eye to the lack of intelligence, or connection, or beauty in the words (let's just extend that to also being able to turn a blind eye to the lack of these things in boys).

(No Church in the Wild- deception is the only felony, so don't fuck anybody without telling me)

At our core, we're all motivated by our animalistic instincts. I think we're taught by our parents and society to repress that for the sake of etiquette and to meet basic expectations.

That's probably what pushes people to indulge in alcohol, or drugs, to free themselves from all the barriers that we construct from the time we know how to talk.

Music is part of establishing connection- people go out to drink, to dance and to hook up because it's what they've wanted to do all week, while sitting behind desks, drowning in lecture slides and 'behaving appropriately.' We're accused by our elders of having 'first world problems'- supposedly those in poorer economic situations are less likely to do these things or be motivated by these things, trying instead to fill their stomachs and minds.

I beg to disagree. It's all animalistic. The difference is our bellies are already full and our basic needs are taken care of- so we're out searching to fulfill the next thing. A luxury maybe, to be able to chase lust and sense of identity, but any person in the world is running after the same things- food, water, shelter, comfort, sex, identity, meaning, success, power, freedom (usually in that order).

We're all the same underneath all the 'context' and the experience, religions and ideals. We really do all want the same basic things.

Sometimes we just need to get lost in a bass line, or in somebody's bed.

10+11

And in the spring,
I shed my skin and it blows away
with the changing wind

The waters turn
from blue to red
As towards the sky
I offer it.

This is a gift
it comes with a price
Who is the lamb, and
who is the knife?

When Midas is king
and he holds me so tight

turns me to G O L D
In the sunlight

-Florence and the Machine






Some songs are truly fate tunes. They resonate within you before their significance is made clear.

I could never growl, but I have such a roar.

Nightrider to Burwood

It's 4am, the city sleeps
the chaos of The Cross
Safely behind us, a bitter taste
From swallowing all my biting words
The men in all their drunken glory,
Offering us lifts, motivated by their dicks.


Cold and shivering
Woolworths apple, Townhall stop
The night-shift workers emerge,
Staring as if to say. Why are you here?
When you could be home, could be warm
We clamber aboard one by one, all alone


Young people, drunk people, stoned
Huddled on a dirty looking seat
The stench of the man beside me
As he breathes down my neck,
prodding my thigh with his dirty nails
I freeze. He waits, then turns away


Remind me again, where the glamour was supposed to be?
Because in this so called freedom, I'm trapped.
In a rattling bus, on flickering Sydney streets, next to a man
Who probably doesn't remember his own name.


Here's a song by the Wombats- Tokyo
The first time I heard it I thought he was singing-'If you really love me, let me go back to my whore in Tokyo'


In a study slump, where my dreams are far more enticing than memorising the muscles of the lower limb. When I have time, I'll write them all down.

Pumped up kicks

You better run, better run, faster than my bullet.

I enjoy this song by Foster The People.


My thought for today stems from a relationship that has become uncomfortable and vapid. I've experienced relationships end before- but this one has left me uneasy. As always it comes down to making yourself vulnerable to someone once, and watching all of that come apart slowly. Or maybe I'm being paranoid and crazy. I really don't know.

11 days. I can wait 11 days.

1/11/11

We all grow old and numb
You walked away and left me crying
repeating to myself 'i used to be so raw'
thinking the problem was only you

But we all grow old and numb
Shelve away our tattered dreams and
Accept our new realities, with hope
Or fear, with grounded mistrust in everything

You can't wear your heart
on torn sleeves, ripped apart by
bureaucratic bullies, breaking you with subtlety
Understanding now, what they meant

When your parents said 'the big bad world'
It's all downhill from here on in
Disaster sewn into a pre-written sequence
study, career, marriage, children, unhappiness, death.

Or maybe this is momentary.
I'll probably wake up tomorrow with a song in my heart and wind beneath my wings.
And if not, I am a master of pretence.

Don't get too comfortable.

I'm not comfortable.

I'm uncomfortable.

But it's really not the worst thing.

I'm about to jump into the deep end.

And I'm not going to sink.

I'm going test myself and the life I've built.

Putting our hand-made boat into the water,

We're all going to float.



But for now, J. Holiday can put me to bed

We're just ordinary people.

I'm not sure where your draw a line between weakness and hope. You would think that the courage hope takes would automatically draw it away from weakness, but that's just not true. Hope often travels with ignorance.

I never would have realised,
if time and time again,
the wrong person hadn't arrived
at the perfectly right time
and told me that everything would be okay.

If I hadn't caught myself
laughing in the middle
of the wet, winter streets, joy
despite the fact that everything
had slowly started to go wrong.

Because, ultimately I remember me
and I'll start all over again
I fell asleep, deciding, you
would call all the shots from here on in
It doesn't make sense.

I can't face myself just yet
but it's just easier, isn't it
to just admit you were wrong
dont take a moment to hesitate
dont realise the lie before you've said it.

It's easier than having to explain
to legions of people who
couldn't really give a damn
but for some reason, to whom
you are held accountable
for whom you will continue to bend.

'We look at each other wondering what the other is thinking, but we never say a thing.'




- I wrote this over 4 months ago. I'm posting it today. A reminder not to allow History to repeat itself.

I wanna get closer to you, baby.

I've had my fair share of fate tunes.

It's funny how songs called 'Closer' seem to find a place in my head/heart.

When I was 15/16 it was Closer by Ne-Yo. Not much to say, except that I once danced with a boy at the school dance to this song, and I remember feeling very nervous and somewhat confused. It was either this, or 'Because of you.' Either way, I was nervous.
I do love Ne-Yo though, but I'm quite certain I didn't fully understand the song at the time.

When I was 17/18 it was Closer by Travis. This song still hurts sometimes to listen to, because it reminds me of a person I used to be. I miss her sometimes, and I'm not always sure if I'm on the right trajectory, but I'm content with who I've become, most days. I've had rose-coloured notions about love and what that means, immature ones too.
break my heart what does it matter i knew love.
Oh no wait, I'm all broken, and I cry all the time.
fuck.
I think that can only happen once. Or at the very least, I hope it only happens once.

But this one reminds me of summer days, sunshine, sitting beneath trees and laying on the beach.
It reminds me of freedom, love, passion and beautiful, new people (who have now become beautiful, comfortable people).
It makes me close my eyes and sway, and become totally lost for a few minutes.
Closer by Corinne Bailey Rae

Lost Romance

Change is a great thing, usually I embrace it with open arms. But this time I'm a little concerned.

It's fair to accept that others may not care about what's important to you- but that doesn't mean you should forsake those things for that reason.

On another topic- I went to an old friend's place tonight, and I realised something. We've turned out alright. Not amazing, but alright. We're pretty blessed, and we've been lucky. That said, I've done stupid things here and there- and almost ignored my own sense of morality because that was easy at the time. But the reality is, there are some things that aren't for me- drinking, and flirting with danger might be exciting but they aren't for me. I'm not sure they're for anyone, really. It's not even a matter of grappling with temptation- I'm just not tempted. Perhaps that's indicative of a lack of spontaneityor excitement(????) but I can probably think of 100 ways I'd rather spend my time.

The simpler you make life, the better it will be.

I have decided to turn off my phone, turn off facebook, and turn off the endless stream of voices around me as often as I can. It's sad that I hardly read, or write, or even read the newspaper. And, surrounded by busy, connected people makes that difficult sometimes, but it's important for my own peace of mind.

Lifestyle change, here I come!

Nadia

I'm listening to Nitin Sawhney

And I'm struggling

To put words down on paper

The biological treatment of Rheumatoid Arthritis

It makes me tired to even think about it

Dream catcher.

I'm awake.

She moves towards me slowly
a girl with voluminous eyes
and a smile I've never seen in this life
a smile that says 'i know you'
I've never seen her
She would be unrecognisable to me
And I am at ease
she places her soft lips against mine
I feel light, comforted
the room is illuminated with splendid light
I am being.

The edge of my bed
a bright green snake, floats towards me
swaying in line with my terrified eyes
It always ends this way. Yesterday, the day before,
I'm always waiting for the kill
but tonight it finally strikes,
A rush of immense pain, but suddenly
we both realise, there's nothing
devoid of poison, bloody fang marks on my hand
We're both still alive and puzzled.
We're all alive and puzzled.

Intimacy, Medicine and other Musings

Your fingertips are highly innervated with sensory nerve fibres, for discriminating, fine touch.
You can't be a med student without marvelling at, and loving the human body in all its variety and exquisite detail.

But why is touch so significant? We all like to be held, to be kissed, to be reminded we are cared for with physical affection. Countless surveys, articles, conversations, thoughts, cloud up the mental atmosphere, and a large percentage of them seem to be about sex. Maybe that's just my age bracket? Maybe it's taboo, which doesn't make much sense to me. Sex is such a dirty word, but really, where would we be without it? Touch is a big thing. Anticipation, comfort, cruelty, caress. All carried out with your body. Reminders of your immediate presence. Removal of distance. Is it primitive, a sign of attachment, a remnant from our early months, characterised by silence? Instinctive? Lowly? I know plenty of people who disregard the importance of physical contact once adulthood begins.

As students we learn how to examine, how to percuss and auscultate, to learn to read the body's inner workings from the outside. Today, I watched a talk given by Abraham Verghese- A doctor's touch

He discusses the importance of examination, its place as a ritual and the physician-patient relationship. It occurred to me today, that my favourite part of medicine so far has been the patient interaction. For the time being, we aren't much more than glorified science students. I am reminded once a fortnight of how priviledged and trusted we are, despite our little knowledge. Patients unquestioningly allow us to poke, prod and question. Why?

Because they trust us, and that one day, their lives or those of their loved ones will be in our hands. That's quite a responsibility, but also an honour.

It's refreshing to hear inspiring people speak. I had forgotten how it felt to be inspired (especially once the inevitable rat race makes itself clear). The one and only arts lecture I attended as an Arts student featured the lecturer discussing why, or if, a table is a table. That's not a reflection on Arts, but it is a reminder that inspiration, history and philosophy aren't just found within the alternative arts scene.

At this point, I'm far too tired to express my excitement, and as usual my post has taken a rambling turn. But I see a beautiful sunrise every time my eyes begin to close. I've learnt more in these last two years than I had thought possible. We're never going to attain a stage where we have reached and created a perfect life. It's never going to happen, and for that I'm grateful. That's a futile dream, but also an uninteresting one. I'd only like for Love to be certain, no matter how or where it takes place. If I have breath and love in equal parts I can live.

'I feel a thousand capacities spring up in me. I am arch, gay, languid, melancholy by turns. I am rooted, but I flow. '

Cautiously and quietly.

Haven't had a dream in a while.

Please please..

Delicate things.

My head, a thousand anchors
pulling me to weightlessness
intoxicated by these
wicked games, forbidden eyes
humble beginnings in darkened corridoors
dangerous exchanges through
foggy glass and footsteps

pull me in deeper, until
my tongue creeps forward with this new
thirst, breathless, shameless
and I'm kept crazy
two drops at a time,
shaking on the precipice
shattering everything, flooded with shards

close,close,closer,close.








I have what you need

A quarter to three.

Remnants of last night's lipstick
a half smile to make you swoon
the scent of mingled perfumes
and the ecstasy of freed feet
wiggling toes, hair windswept

clinging to each other
in crowded buses at midnight
falling asleep on my shoulder
enchanted by the city lights
and our beautiful, comfortable silence

GOODBYE!

OH HOW EXCITED I AM TO BE RID OF THIS TERRIBLE WEEK!

Assignment done.
Cleaned up.
Slept and ate.

(Almost) Ready to start again.

at the very least
the barest minimum
i should be honest to myself
i owe myself perhaps that much.

futility

You're such an odd thing
You crave it so much
When it comes before you,
You become anxious with fear

Dreams of lifetimes spent
Engulfed, Immersed, Full
With the feeling of it,
Wishes you could have it

But when you do
Your heart sinks, words fail
It becomes too cloying,
starts clawing away at you

You're paralysed by it
and in that very same moment
you fantasise ways, means, methods
to grasp it tight, so you can revel

So you can fall in love
With yourself again, once you find it
It's a game of desire and yearning
And chance. Playing with your fears.

It's all you need
It's all you have to ask for
It will complete you
You've known this for so long

You cower, you hide, you pretend to be invisible
It's the only thing you want, and all you are afraid of.

Year 2, Term 3, Week 5.

My body is filled
with an empty nausea
filling the abyss
where my joy once lay
It's become so commonplace
I convince myself I'm full

Lay me down softly
Wrap your hands in gloves
Slice me cleanly
in the centre, cold blue
Take everything out and start again
Realign me, push my spine
to the right, to the left
Furrowed brow and the slightest scowl
Fury at the stupidity of the thing,
rather than the untimely nature of her death

Such a preventable disease,
If only she had made the lifestyle change
To build up a wall, lock up her pericardial space
and throw away the minute key
If only all the restrictions and feedback had worked
Emotions eating away like wild enzymes
Breaking down all the supporting tissues
Leaving nothing untouched.
Your response to damage just causes more pain.

The sadness lies in chronicity
You're destroying everything
Why can't you stop, why won't you leave
Why must you persist.
Leave my body, my life, my mind
Reduced to rotting, dying, oozing flesh
and scar tissue everwhere, so I'll never be able to forget.

Guilty (and not so guilty) pleasures

1. Gelato at 9pm (despite my cough)
2. Making people laugh
3. My modelling aspirations... :P
4. Lao Tzu Quotes
'Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished'
'Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage'
5. Super Bass- Nicki Minaj. It's just good, for some reason.
6. Skipping class for good conversation
7. love
8. Lame jokes
9. Leonard Cohen
'You go your way
I'll go your way too'

Quotes and things.

'But he has something... not a glow exactly, but some air of secrecy that you want to penetrate, a kind of fast-track competence or a know-how that you would like to have rub off on you.
He appears connected, he knows how to get on, and you feel that if you are close to him he will get on for the both of you..'

'I don't mind being the stolen stardust that sprinkles you with second-hand importance. I get my revenge on him and at the same time get to feel more cared for by you'

Wrote a bunch more. Net crashed.

Exhausting

I'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired.

But i can't sleep.

i have to finish this, i have to read that, i have to reply to this message, call that person, make note of this fact, freak out, 3 mini-heart attacks and 4 bouts of nausea.

50 things to worry about before breakfast.

I'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired.

Can't think, or i'll crumble.

I'm tired i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired.

Tired.

There are some days
when you should trust your gut intuition
turn off your phone
and stay in bed.

Freedom is the will to be responsible TO ourselves.

Emancipation

I cleaned up my life, in the last month.

In the process I had to get it really dirty, very messy and for a while I was overwhelmed by the task I had ahead of me.

One more month of teenagedom month. My plans aren't crazy.
I would like to get a decent night's sleep in a less lonely bed.
I would like to study. Sounds odd, yes, but it feels like so long since I've read about something out of my own interest.
I would like to sing :) Wonderfully, this is already happening.

It feels like it's time to put my old fears, insecurities and stress to rest.

An incurable romantic

It alternates between being a boon and a curse.
It means I can listen to the same songs and watch the same scenes
Over and over again

It meanst I'm in love with an ideal,
that sometimes can never come into fruition
It means disappointment sometimes
But I don't think I'd change a thing

It means forgetting myself and my lists
of endless things to do
In favour of lying on the floor to stop
and listen to a new song, or an old one
to daydream the endless possibilities
and have a little piece of hopeful fire in my heart
that can't possibly be quenched, even by the biggest hurt

To allow yourself to be moved, even in the face of cynicism and reality
I think that's a great thing.
To let your soul sing no matter the circumstances.

Because life can turn into a big to-do list, but really it's very short.
I can't believe things that I remember as yesterday actually happened a few years ago now.
And I'm surprised by how far we have come.

No matter what, though, I think the greatest thing is to say good morning to my mum on the phone, regardless of how tired I may be, and how croaky my voice often sounds. It makes me happy :)
Being hugged makes me happy. Not those mild pat on the back things, but full blown, big bear hugs.
Making people smile makes me happy too.

Good Morning.

Much happiness.

Tired, laughed out, warm happiness.

Lowering your expectations and abolishing your plans can sometimes be the best thing possible. And I'm going to sleep excited because I know tomorrow, the day after, and the day after that have wonderful things in store for me. Maybe even more wonderful than what I anticipate.

Wake up to this :) Live with as much passion you have.

<3

'Like all dreamers, I mistook disenchantment for truth'

The computer hums, it's not a comforting hum, it's an angry, machine hum, and I wonder if machines are ever going to be able to take over us, my hands looks quite beautiful as I'm typing, it's like a dance, that has been practised many many times. In fact, I'm sure the ability to type kind of trumps my ability to dance because I do it so often, and it's almost second nature. My little finger on the left hand is the laziest. It stands up tall, but does nothing. Then, again neither does the finger on my right, but at least it has the decency to stay down. I think, I'm probably most like the little finger on my right.
I don't agree with what's happening but occassionally I join it, don't I, because that's a little bit easier than sticking out like a sore thumb. Well, not a sore thumb, a haughty little finger.

Now I've stopped. Did you know I have burns on my wrists, from the places where my hands have rested against a hot computer. Reall, they're burns, they looks like shiny plastic things. I wonder if one day my whole body will burn. Well, I know it will one day, but I won't be able to experience it. Is it strange to look at death as though it's some kind of adventure. I know, it's from Harry Potter and all, but I don't think I was every afraid of dying. There was a time when I was paralysed with fear and pain at the thought of a) my mother dying and b) my parents not being together. Now I'm not afriad of either, just sad that one day, inevitably they will die. I don't think I will be alone, though. I've stopped feeling quite so alone. Not because there's an influx of people (though, sometimes it feels like I'm surroun...)

I was just interrupted by my dad, he asked me what I need. I gave him a list of things 'fruits, bread, toilet paper, moisturiser, tissues' but of course I don't really really need those things. Nobody ever asks you what you NEED. Everybody seems to need something from other people, I'm realising. It's easier once you know, to respond and mould yourself into whatever that may be.

Yesterday I took a personality test. No surprises, I'm ENFJ (Extraverted, iNuitive, Feeling, Judging)- An idealist teacher. I was sad I didn't get mastermind, but I know I don't fit the criteria. Apparently teachers are characterised by their ability to communicate with others and help them achieve a sense of fulfilment, fulfillmnet, flfillment, fulfillment. Funny I can't type it. And they're greatest weakness is their fear of conflict. Sounds to me like the doormat archetype. Stupid Jung. Well, no, stupid me, really. Oh, they blame themselves. And they are committed in love.

I was saying something before about dying, wasn't I? Oh yes. Feeling surrounded by people. I do sometimes. I'd like to run away for a few days. Somewhere warm, you see. Somewhere alone. Like I said, I don't mind being alone. I think I used to kind of fear it, well, not fear it, but not enjoy it, but that's probably because we reach our darkest thoughts and emotions alone. We allow ourselves to realise the things about ourselves, and others that we hate. We allow ourselves to feel hurt, disappointed, weak. Or at least what's the word, we admit to our weaknesses. And realise our desires aren't our true desires. And a whole host of other things. It's the feeling archetype, that disappointed me. But who am I kidding, I'm more likely to feel something than think something, though I'm pretty certain you can't do one without the other. It just means I'm never going to be a genius in the purely intellectual sense of the word.

I have these white lace curtains in my room, that act like a barrier between me and the outside. I can see through them, but people can't see me. I can stare out of them, as vulnerable and naked as can be, and nobody can see me. It's like the antithesis to voyeurism. Anyone who enjoys reading is the slightest bit voyeuristic, and somewhat preoccupied with finding themself, or making an effort to understand the world around them. My friend bought me a book the other day. Very randomly. 'Clown Doctors.' I think it's one of the nicest gifts I've ever received. Gift-giving is a kind of stupid custom, because it doesn't mean much now, though there's a shoebox full of the nicest things I've ever been given, and they are curious things. I won't say what they are, or who they are from, but I do love them, and I'm certain they're the only possessions I have that I value.

I dreamt of a kiss last night. I didn't remember it until hours after I woke up, but now it's on my mind and I can't get it out. Not because it made me aroused (I hate the word horny)or lonely or anything, it was just very strange and very gentle, and the person I was kissing was very fragile and very beautiful, though I've never seen them before. Apparently it signifies self acceptance, realisation of a part of yourself, the realisation of anima or animus depending on which sex you are. That could be a very positive thing, I don't think I have accepted the things about me that have changed, because I see them as backward steps, when really, it's not that I've changed, it's just that I've stopped pretending.

I came across the most exquisite phrases in the paper yesterday. You'll find beauty in the most unexpected places. And blank blank. What would I do without words.

All for a song.

'If I was your man, baby you'd
never worry about, what I do,
I'd be coming home, back to you
Every night, doing you right
You're the type of woman,
deserves a good things...
Baby you're a star,
I just want to show you, you are'

Aw. Mario's a smartypants.

You should let me love you

Desired things

It's good to think about what you really want sometimes. Get some new perspective. So here it goes:

The finkler question
Shoes without holes in them
A book-case
Good eyesight
A box
Socks
Clean room-mates
More time to read
To smile AND laugh every day
To be hugged every day
To feel safe!
To do something new and different every day- even if it's as small as taking a different route, or talking to someone unknown!
A.C. Grayling's books
To be closer to some people.
Sunshine mornings
To remember the names of old songs that I love.
To worry less.
To sing.
To fall asleep to the sound of rain
To express myself better.
To finally download iTunes onto my computer and put some new music on my iPod...
To dance!
To be happy
To be whisked away, to somewhere with a warmer climate
To have Fun.
To see you Move Like Jagger. That would be nice.

Doesn't it scare you,

Your will is not as strong as it used to be.

Oh, but no more. Lately, I've actually just been annoying myself with my lack of ability to stand up for myself, take care of myself, protect myself. Nobody else is going to, so why am I wasting my time?

Here we go.

Us

'I don't mean like, roman candle, firework, hollywood, hot pink love, I mean like, I got your back, love!'

Conversation.

Ooft.

You word me and it's beautiful
And I'm left waiting for the next
Exquisitely written notion
As though our minds are synchronised
To the same rise and fall in thought
And when the conversation is over
So are we.

Like the ending to a perfect song
Rapture exists in a fleeting movement
in the transition from one chord to the next
an arpeggio of ideas, flowing
and coming to a complete, satisfied stop
The cadence, the punctuation.

It's uncomplicated, there's no room
for personal trifles, angry silences
the things we speak of are so
steeped in tragedy, in reality
that refuses to apologise for what it is

We have no time for judgements,
attraction, pursuit, lusty endeavours
too caught up in the fire that grows
in our bellies and our minds

Thinking all the time.
Feeling beyond you and me.
Bigger than just you and me and us.
Goodbye. Goodbye. Until next time.
Until we rally for something huge.
Until then, goodbye.


And I'll sign off with a song for a change (though I only really have 2 avid readers, tops, but that's okay, I'll keep on writing :P )
So this is for my family- by birth and by friendship.
And for you Ami :) Given I'm freezing here in in Canberra...
When It's Cold Outside...

Love, love and more love.

Standing on the edge of the world.

let's go back to something i said yesterday
i've avoided capitalising, because i feel very small

there's nothing more attractive than passion
and in that case, there's nothing less attractive
or more dehumanising than apathy
if we're truly human we have to care about the situations around us
if we're honest about entering into a profession characterised by empathy, we have to make that a part of our lives
we have to stand up

its amazing, and it makes me inspired
to see the show of hands on mediums like facebook, or twitter,
by young people willing to at least recognise what's going on
i could rattle off a list of wars and inequalities, but there wouldn't be much point

i think, at one stage as a teenager, i remember feeling angry
that the mistakes of the generations before us have somehow come to sit upon our shoulders.
i wondered, is that fair, really? we weren't close to legal adulthood when the millenium goals came knocking and quietly demanded that we listen
but now, i'm a little wiser, with more worries than i could have anticipated
the worries and the years haven't risen in parallel, but that's okay
the point is, no matter how important day to day obligations are, and no matter how many more people we become answerable to (our bosses, our parents, friends, partners, spouses and children), we can't, like those before us, forget the importance of the greater world around us.

i don't know how realistic that is, i haven't yet come that far. but i know i am going to try. the meaning of life isn't that difficult, give and take fears about religion, spirituality and life after death.

but while you are alive:
-love. just do it, with as much abandon as you can muster. sure, you're going to get hurt (very very very hurt), but everything you have to offer the world stems from love. you have to run with your arms outstretched, for as long as you can.

-forgive. especially the small things, and the things from the past. if ive learnt anything, its that more often than not, a person should be judged for the actions NOW. right now, in the present moment. you're past does make up who you are, yes, but we all make mistakes. we cant grow from them if we're not allowed to forget them. some things are inexcusable, some things you cant forgive.

-be determined. we all go through phases of floating, confusion, lack of direction. that's fine, it's important and its likely to be an ongoing undercurrent throughout life. but you have to aim for something. i dont mean climbing up the corporate ladder to get into the highest tax bracket. i mean, having some kind of destination in mind, something useful you hope to achieve for the betterment of the world.

Beware those who seek constant crowds, they are nothing alone.

You will fall in love with the most unexpected people.

You will fall in love, with people who Care.

There is nothing more attractive in another person than passion, of the non-lustful kind.

You WILL surprise yourself.

Trust yourself. 'You're the only person you have to live with your whole life. Don't hurt yourself to spare someone else's feelings.' BLord.

Your first impressions are often wrong, but your gut feeling is always right. If you meet someone and your soul is screaming 'NO! NO! WEIRDO! NO!' Don't got there and save yourself the heartache.

You've got to put a limit on the number of chances you're willing to give.
'You give him one more chance, just like the time before. But he already knows, you'd give a hundred more. Until one night in bed, you wake up in a sweat, you're racing through the door, can't take it anymore.' -Alicia Keys

About 10 people are truly worth it, and they'll stand by you despite your differences, squabbles and distance. Actually, experience says they are often the people who you had INITAL differences with. They are awesome.

'You're not crazy. You're right. Everyone else is crazy. That sounds crazy. It isn't.' 6peoplecrammedinto1

'Never apologise for being real' Lupe Fiasco

The first thing I've ever reblogged.

I discovered the most incredible blog I have ever seen.

And I found this. And I think it's important, so I'm sharing. Please read.

'I was shooting a scene in my new film, No Strings Attached, in which I say to Natalie Portman,

“If you miss me. you can’t text, you can’t email, you can’t post it on my Facebook wall. If you really miss me, you come and see me.”

I began to think of all of the billions of intimate exchanges sent daily via fingers and screens, bouncing between satellites and servers. With all this texting, emailing, and social networking, I started wondering, are we all becoming so in touch with one another that we are in danger of losing touch?

It used to be that boy met girl and they exchanged phone numbers. Anticipation built. They imagined the entire relationship before a call ever happened. The phone rang. Hearts pounded. “Hello?” Followed by a conversation that lasted two hours but felt like two minutes and would be examined with friends for two weeks. If all went well, a date was arranged. That was then.

Now we exchange numbers but text instead of calling because it mitigates the risks of early failure and eliminates those deafening moments of silence. Now anticipation builds. Bdoop. “It was NICE meeting u” Both sides overanalyze every word. We talk to a friend, an impromptu Cyrano: “He wrote nice in all caps. What does that mean? What do I write back?” Then we write a response and delete it 10 times before sending a message that will appear 2 care, but not 2 much. If all goes well, a date will be arranged.

Whether you like it or not, the digital age has produced a new format for modern romance, and natural selection may be favoring the quick-thumbed quip peddler over the confident, ice-breaking alpha male. Or maybe we are hiding behind the cloak of digital text and spell-check to present superior versions of ourselves while using these less intimate forms of communication to accelerate the courting process. So what’s it really good for?

There is some argument about who actually invented text messaging, but I think it’s safe to say it was a man. Multiple studies have shown that the average man uses about half as many words per day as women, thus text messaging. It eliminates hellos and goodbyes and cuts right to the chase. Now, if that’s not male behavior, I don’t know what is. It’s also great for passing notes. there is something fun about sharing secrets with your date while in the company of others. think of texting as a modern whisper in your lover’s car.

Sending sweet nothings on Twitter or Facebook is also fun. in some ways, it’s no different than sending flowers to the office: You are declaring your love for everyone to see. Who doesn’t like to be publicly adored. Just remember that what you post is out there and there’s some stuff you can’t un-see.

But the reality is that we communicate with every part of our being, and there are times when we must use it all. When someone needs us, he or she needs all of us. There’s no text that can replace a loving touch when someone we love is hurting.

We haven’t lost romance in the digital age, but we may be neglecting it. In doing so, antiquated art forms are taking on new importance. The power of a hand-written letter is greater than ever. It’s personal and deliberate means more than an email or text ever will. It has a unique scent. It requires deciphering. But, most important, it’s flawed There are errors in handwriting, punctuation, grammar, and spelling that show our vulnerability. And vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, “This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more importantly, all that I am not.”

—
Ashton Kutcher

1 degree celsius

I see you like to talk,
I hear you baby.
Claiming you're a bad beast,
Show me baby.

I'm so cold,
Yeah I need a hot tottie.

It's not the first time
that you've made me cry
and quite honestly,
it better be the last.

Not that you'd even know
you're never around to see it happen
you only ever get
the aftermath, the quiet

and resigned me, the one
who calmly discusses
but you have no idea
and i've turned into a mute

And all that's left
is the ugly debris
when a strong, raging fire
has been destroyed
smoke and ash,
and chilling silence
The cold settles in
And no doubt, you'll walk away
After finding some way
to blame me

I woke up this morning
and decided to let you call the shots
from here on in.

John Mayer once sang- Doesn't it scare you, doesn't it PISS you off, your will is not as strong as it used to be. It was live in 2007. I think the song was 'Back To You.'

I feel pretty damn stupid. I feel like an idiot. If this wasn't me, if this was someone else, if this was someone I loved, I'd tell them they were being stupid.

8th chances, 9th chances, chances into the double digits.
I'm so good at forgetting. I quit every game I play.
The joke's going to be on me.

This Time I Want It All.

Dating in lyrics.

Let's explore the situations we've all been in before, a place musicians thrive in. Relationships. I find myself surrounded by people, all at different phases, and I'm personally a fan of fate tunes (read Vernon God Little). I plan on sharing my own soundtrack soon. But for now- I found Evolver tonight- so John Legend's take it is.

You don't love me
like you say you do
You don't want me
the way that I want you
Can I get me some satisfaction?

No?

Now what do you keep calling for?
It's over.
We had some good times didn't we,
I know I won't forget that
But we had some bad times and
that's the time I wish I could get back.
You've been around me long enough
to know that now it's over.

And then (after a while, or not)-

Do I have a boyfriend,
Well, technically no.
You be my boyfriend
And I'll make it so
Give me the green light,
Give me just one night
I'm ready to go right now.


And THAT is the cycle right there people. There are your theme songs (they're all good). Go forth.

A (secret) Superstar.

The world brought me to my knees, what have you brung you?

Too much of a newcomer and too uncool.

Home is not a place. It's not a feeling, it's not stable. Home is fluid, home is in my heart, home is inside of me.

Home is where YOU Exist. With no exceptions or expectations.

For all the moneyblingclothescashedupmakeuphookuphairnailsshoes bitches. Rethink maybe. Think. Or shut the fuck up. Drown in your designer/vintage/overpriced bullshit.

To the fairweather people. You will get caught in a storm and your umbrella WILL break.

To the opportunists: Get out.

To the idiots: Good luck

To the dickhead men who hurt the women I love. I have no wishes for you. Pure apathy and a hope that you get a taste of your own medicine.

To my Pikachu. We're growing towards the sun. I'll always be here.

To Rafiki. You're golden. I'll try my best not to lose you :)

To my sisters. You genuinely deserve the best the world can offer you. 'Don't worry about it. Get your shit done. They're not worth your time' I hope for you, love, light and confidence! <3

And I'm done. And I'm beaming ;)

Change clothes.

Stepping into today's camouflage,
wearing something to suit
sexy, intelligent or crazy
Or, display the tripartite

Either way, I'll be back to being just me
When I come back to you.

Pretty sure this song is going to get me through stuvac. Sexy, sexy ;)

Wishes

For all your talk of all the ways that you have made me.

You take little interest in who I am, who I might be

If you just gave me the chance to be free.

If you just listened, if you could take away all your hurt and anger and expectation

and just listen

Just once.

Instead of screaming, instead of making me guilty, instead of holding me to the ground.

Oooh I remember this feeling.

Music and midnight conversation.

I love it.

Boat Patience

'If stars shouldn't shine
by the first time
Then dear it's fine, so fine by me
'Cause we can give it time
So much time with me.'

There's never a promise of tomorrow, let alone the big future to come.

And who really know where the voyages of life will take us.
Sometimes I'm a huge steamer in the middle of the sea, stagnant.
And other times a tiny wooden boat on the brink of wreckage
A lot of time is spent in a boatshed putting planks of wood together
in the hope of being able to get just a little bit further this time
Beyond the limitations we felt in the last few days, months, years
Burning the remnants of yesterday's me
in an effort to become something stronger, more hardy,
Maybe even beautiful
With the capacity to hold more lives, to shelter more people
to ferry all my loved ones to the safety of the next sea-shore

And then back once more to the boathouse I'll go,
rebuild again, to accomodate
more passengers, or less.

I'm a boat.

I kind of like this idea, maybe something worth refining.

But the point of this post, really, was to talk about patience and all the reasons why it's important and difficult and beautiful. I suspect I'm more impatient than I realise. But nothing gets me more than patience. To the point where another person's display of patience towards me is enough for me to throw away my hesitance and inhibition and jump. It's a secret weapon against me (that's now, no longer a secret).

If you wait for me, I won't even want to wait anymore. I'll run towards you.

If you kind of understand me (at least the fraction that I myself understand) then, well, that's more than I can say for most.

But there's always a question of time with patience, isn't there. How long can you be patient for? Life is limited... how long are you willing to wait? How long before the injustice of incorrect perception of falsity creeps under your skin and makes you explode. Do you realise you are patient, or is it just ignorance?

Sometimes you need to let go and jump. Your boat's built, and it's time to test the waters.

Creativity

Here's a thought. Creativity is what makes the world tick. I'm pretty disappointed with myself- I've developed a stupid notion that unless something serves to fix or progress, it's not useful.

Bullshit, obviously.

But back to creativity. The ebb and flow of ideas, mistakes, colour, light and darkness. To create. I don't think there's anything more fascinating. It's one of the things I need to make more time for.

xkcd

I LOVE this comic.

I love trees, so THIS is me :)

I'm procrastinating by clicking 'random comic' and 'random article' on wikipedia. I figure it may as well be educational/funny. But it's okay, I'll start studying soon.

Also contemplating the sheer number of things I could be doing, but I'm not. But I WILL! First I need a job..

That's all from me, happy winter studying!

Save Room

Make time to live, a little
Don't let this moment
slip by tonight
You'll never know
what you're missing till you try

Let your love come down

I LOVE old songs, especially old funky ballads.

And it's repetitive I know, but again I have to sit and marvel and the people in my life who love me. I'm so very fortunate.

And I rarely use names here, it's always a little guessing game I suppose. And I recently read a post entitled 'love is' and I'm going to follow suit, because I'm sleep deprived and incredibly contentedly happy. So here goes.

Love Is:
- phone calls at the start, and the end of my day
- random text messages from miles away
- uncontrollable laughter
- not seeing much in anyone else
- warmth
- cupcakes, fondue and funny stories
- Frogs
- Music
- fooood
- small, inconsequential details
- comfortable
- anticipating what I'm going to say next
- having far-fetched hope
- having a place to rest your head
- learning to see the bigger picture
- a shoulder to cry on, when things seem worse than they've ever been
- a stamping set
- vulnerability
- falling asleep, smiling.

And that is what I am going to do :)

The Word Collector

She kept, in a blue shoe-box, thousands of small things. Words. Written for her, about her, in spite of her over the few years she had traversed the small world in which she lived.

She collected phrases, thoughts, exclamations, the perfectly punctuated works of nimble fingers, and the slow, lazy, beautiful sloping curves of the artists. The sentiments of friends, lovers, foes and nothings, who over time, had taken on new roles. Lovers had gone from beloved, to hated, to nothing, but their words remained frozen in time. A written pause in a sheet of music that had to be acknowledged and played. With some strange capacity, she memorised things. In a way she never could when it came to textbooks. Each crumpled, ordinary piece of paper took seat in her being, drawing a picture of her life. But it wasn't drawn in straight lines, but letters. Swirls and abysses made of endless, individual letters. Smears where tears had hit the pages, cuts where unfolding and refolding and worn them so thin, they broke.

The world expanded suddenly, and different notes were separated by distance. New memories, new paper, new writing and new thirst. 'A thirst you'd have to drown to ever satiate.' New melodies and new pauses. Jammed chords creating dissonance, snarls across a page, silence. Extended pause, sheets of nothing by new nothings. New colours overtook the old. In a flurry of paper she almost lost it all. Boom boom boom her heart beated. Where were the words? Hidden carefully, but where?

The evidence of her life lay in those sheets of paper. In melodies and 3 or 4 bars that perhaps nobody knew of. She read and extracted melancholy phrases, falling asleep in cold buses to decipher them in her dreams. She walked alone, and then the words were the lyrics in song. But somehow, the greatest beauties lay in the things she found indescribable. In love. In the way her mother held her. In the way her lover held her. In things that were so different and yet.. In the colour of the sky, the rapture of sunset. 'They died punctually, at dusk.' In the evocation of her senses. In the exquisite simplicity of loneliness, and togetherness, deleting all the muddle in between the two.

Once, the words were too much. With shaking hands and a heavy heart she lit fire to the most meaningful note. Knowing, she might regret it later. Years later, a vague sense of the poem etched in her mind, begging to be consolidated. And so she learnt. No matter the reality, words were important. They were more important than fleeting moments of passion. Memories were all you had afterall. Who knew if the same phrasing could ever be conjured up again? And so, she kept the words, like memories, like evidence, that things really happened, and weren't just dreams. Perhaps she was documenting her life, so that when the day came that she no longer remembered anything, they would remain.

Teddy

I've been posting a lot lately. I've had a lot of thoughts, but productive and inspiring and driven ones. I haven't done anything particularly creative, but I feel like I could. It's just a matter of finding time to do it without feeling guilt. But the words from this song meant something to me today.

I'm going to muster every ounce of confidence I have
and cannonball into the water.
I'm going to muster every ounce of confidence I have
for You I will.
You always want what you can't have, but I've got to try.

Do I seem familiar? I've crossed you in hallways a thousand times
No more camouflage, I want to be exposed and not be afraid to fall.

Interestingly, the 'you' is just me. I think I'm the only person I can truly give it my best for. The world has a million ways to break you, if you can't be strong for yourself when you have every chance to, then you can't depend on anyone else.

Leo Buscaglia

Two things this man has said that strike very true to me:

1. Only the weak are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong.
2.I have a very strong feeling that the opposite of love is not hate-it's apathy. It's not giving a damn.

Mishmash

Yowzers.... It has been a long time since I've blogged about music. Oh dear.

So today I went into the little grocery store near my apartment block to by some milk, and started talking to the guy behind the counter about an interesting remix of 'I'm blue' that he was listening to.

Anyway, ended up going a second time with a friend and watching a little 9 year old kid called 'Moonboy' shuffling. Amazing.

But this all got me to listen to some new music (for me), and lately I've been thinking of songs for Medshow this year, and some hopefully cool mashups are formulating. Until then, here's a little something that I LOVE in some places. It's curious what goes well together. So here it is- The Gorillaz and The Killers- Somebody told me to Feel Good.

Sweeeet.

Friday the 13th

Who said it was inauspicious?

One of the nicest Fridays I've ever spent :) Don't believe the old myths or superstitions. Horoscopes, cards, predictions. At the end of the day, life is what you make it. Your future is in your own hands.

Go baby.

Aaand now, the time has come. After talking the talk, changing the talk, writing the talk, arguing the talk, and being silent The hour hand has moved AND. It's time to walk. To walk without searching for a new beginning in a new day, or time, or New Year (Happy Sri Lankan New Year by the way). But no, that's not why it's time. It's time, regardless of my current planetary positions, or the direction I am faced in. It's time because I can't wait anymore. I have been caught in the deep end, and I've flailed and failed and changed my mind, out of obligation and indesicion, and not based on what I want. I have lied to keep people happy. Screw that. I've heard it all, I've listened, really listened. I've been a shoulder to cry on, and I've cried alone. I've forgotten to breath and I've woken up because my heart's beating too fast or too loud for me to stay asleep. And it's been frustrating. I've pulled myself away from everything in an effort to see things more clearly, and I feel like I've wasted my time. So. Today it begins and it will continue until I am too tired to go any further. And I am going to give life my best shot, in the hope that when I look back later, I will be satisfied with what I have created, sustained and achieved. Until then. Some parts of my brain are turning off. And others are turning on. 'It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishments the scroll, I am the Master of my fate, I am the Captain of my soul.'

Slow burning.

Ah, it's been a while. But you know, that's all time I was living. And living equals experiencing equals learning. So here are my lines. The anticipation in realising that I'm just scratching the surface with you, and with me. Picking the journey over the destination. Still waiting to get on a plane, but with less desperation and more understanding. Attaching a lot of significance to little things. Interesting. Good or bad? A bit of both. Freaking out less. dramadramadramadrama, I'll watch a movie instead. Substance over style. Every time. In the middle of a manifesto.

You're a failure. Yes Yes Yes you are.

Real Recognise Real.

And you're the most plastic piece of shit I've ever seen.

When you're credit balance dissipates and the little bitches you love the presence of suck you dry. Ahahaha.

If only you could get it up to begin with.

Anyway, goodbye.

You need to cheer up,

Your mind needs to clear up,

You're already here,

Just be yourself from here up.

Goodbye

Seems I'm getting out of control,

Feels like I'm running out of soul,

You're getting heavy to hold

Think I'll be letting you go.

Always questions, never answers.

I don't know if my endless philosophising makes people think I'm a little bit crazy, or pretentious, or suffer from the tendency to talk the talk, but not walk the walk.

And I'm not going to sit here and write up a list of achievements, an example and justification to my ideas that make up this endless and evolving essay of context and ideas that are slowly making me who I am. But I'm getting close to getting to my manifesto. Whether or not it's going to be going on the front cover of an album, or a book, or remain here in this little place on the internet, rarely traversed.

I was talking to friend yesterday. I'll put it out there, I tend to be the joke, rather than the joker in many conversations. Something that I find interesting and frustrating. I would love to be really quick and cut people down for the sake of humour and wittiness. And most of the time, I'm surrounded by incredible people who are OUT THERE, known, funny, talented (in anything from cooking to dancing to singing to being incredibly positive). They are people who can get things done, and get them done well.

Now, the reality is, outside of highschool-world, where it wasn't difficult to be different and to be talented, I'm a pretty average person. 5th grade piano, a little bit of singing, a little bit of writing and a little bit of dancing, but nothing too amazing. Your basic kid, rolling with the punches, and settling into mediocrity. Now, you can try to challenge that by taking on a lot, or wearing insane clothes, or preaching profanities for the sake of being noticed. Sometimes the temptation is there to learn to cartwheel or become a one-man-band, just because it's tough being surrounded by the best.

But here's a question. Is the more important thing WHO you are, rather that WHAT you can do? Are the silent talents the ones that you'll be remembered for later? Is it more important to strive to DO something positive for the world, rather than become SOMEBODY that everyone can remember? Don't get me wrong, people aren't just one or the other.

Up until a few days ago, I was sure of what I was going to do. Med/Arts, because I love to write, because I left a passion for English behind when I decided to pursue Medicine. Because I know that's something I'm pretty good at. But now I'm not so sure. Do I need that extra degree to prove where my strengths lie, or to feel better about who I am and what I can do? Is it going to make me feel more fulfilled? Is it more important for me to find a sense of fulfillment in what I'm already trying to get through? Is an extra year on campus, in uni, financially justifiable? Is there a point where you take on other people's needs and expectations and re-think your own dreams because it's just a neccessary thing to do?

School was a hell of a lot easier than this. Year 12 was a piece of cake. The older I get, the less I know. I'm not sure if I feel defeated or content or confused. A lot of the time, it feels like the world has already got the better of me. Maybe all you do in life is constantly fight that feeling and try to be content where you are now. It's like, as soon as you manage to get to a positive place, something walks in and tries to derail you and your confidence and your belief in yourself. At this point, I'd be happy to turn out to be half the person I hoped I would be when I walked out of highschool at 18.

Seeking approval

Why is this such a big thing?
And as much as I'd love to say, I'm a complete individual with no insecurities, who never feels the need for approval from another person, I can't.

I'll be honest, that's hard to admit. But the reality is, I'm not entirely sure if I've even been living my life out loud. And I don't mean loud- clubbing, dancing, drinking, out there, popularity loud. I mean, doing what I truly want to do for the sheer heck of it, instead of going along with something I don't like, or don't feel comfortable with because it'll make other people happy, or make me feel more valued as a friend or daughter. Going with the crowd, bending my head and accepting my fate, chasing after affection, whatever it may be.

Facebook is kind of notorious for conforming. I guess it's supposed to be a place where we can let loose and let people know 'what's on our minds,' passive aggressive/depressing statuses about bitches and breakups included. But really, we're all getting home and getting online. It's scary.
That's a number of hours a day you could be spending reading, learning a new talent, SLEEPING, eating, or actually spending time with the people you stay up all night talking to. It's valuable, valuable time. And we, intoxicated by our youth, are unable to see that. It's not just a tool of procrastination- we think that by disabling it 2 weeks before exams, we'll be successful. It's become a mentality. A cultural phenomenon, sure, but is it a good one?

Rarely do you meet someone after 5 minutes and consider them a friend. And then lay a lot of you life bare for them to look at. Or spend time looking at their life when you should probably be doing something more interesting. I'm sure there have been countless psychology and sociology papers written about this, and they're probably worded better with better evidence. But I'm starting to realise how little I know about the world. And I shudder to think, how much time I've spend aimlessly scrolling down a page, reading things about people that I honestly don't really care about.

Facebook rant aside, back to the title. Approval. There are some, incredible people, that actually don't give a shit. And I don't mean in a broad sense- they're not defined by societal norms and restrictions etc etc. It's not that hard to embrace your weirdness in that sense. I mean, in a more intimate way. Friends, parents, boyfriends, girlfriends. They aren't influenced by these people in a way that compromises their individuality and/or independence. But are they close to the people they love? I wonder sometimes. Because no matter how outrageous some of my beliefs are, and how determined I may come across as, ultimately it's very hard for me to separate my life from the people around me, in a way that allows me to live in complete freedom, without taking into consideration other people's opinions. I'm not entirely sure if it's possible to do that, and still have meaningful relationships with mutual understanding, because ultimately everybody wants a little bit of ownership over you and a little bit of attachment. I understand that- you love people, you do right by them, and then there's a certain expectation that they can in turn provide you with the same love and support. Fair's fair. But there comes a time when it starts to feel like a contract. And it shouldn't.

So my question (and challenge for myself) is this: do you have the ability to live out loud AND keep the people in your life relatively happy?

A difficult juggling game.

Dormant fires

I'm sitting on the storm that i got soaked by.
The sun's only 7 miles away, and I can feel it rising out of me
Fearless sense of insanity, the jungle that grows inside of me.
Tangled in my hair, in you, in the new things you have planted
to restrict me.

But slowly I have come to tame the wilderness
Come to see, almost everything can be influenced, everyobody
can be controlled. But not me. I have unspoken things
I keep you on the outside, because I know you will run or be burned
I forget the number for Emergency.

Passions lie dormant for the sake of your satisfaction
Have you been satiated? Happy with this half-facet presented to you
And I will turn and melt and become moulded again
But the crystal core you can't get to, the most important
parts, are the ones that are unseen

But we can get a bass line and a dark night
We can get inebriated and take off one thing at a time
You can try to draw it out of me, like a silent scream
But you still won't be able to see.
My head's screwed on too tight, my heart is burning
In a fenced off cage, I don't know where I hid the key.

But the metal is close to melting, coming down
Down, down. It's going to burn down to the base.
You should start to run, I'll give you a head start.
I already have. Don't underestimate how far the heat will spread.
Make sure you're still able to breathe, keep a reserve.
Keep it down. Hide there in the corner.
Hold on tight.

And it begins

The summer is almost over, and I am once more packing up parts of my life, and mentally preparing myself for Year 2 of 7. Starting emptying out the contents of my wardrobe and desk and sorting through it all. Almost finished reading all of my novels, and already having had my first 'last minute freakout studying' dream, I'd say I'm as ready as I'll ever be.


The past few months have not been without heartache and confusion and reinvention. It's amazing how much you realise once you step away from a place/situation and look at it objectively. There are some things I no longer like, and some that I have more appreciation for than ever before.

And how much you realise you have missed when you go back home and back to your roots.


Here is a list:
-my family
-going for walks with my mum
-the constant sound of music
-a full fridge! FOOD!
-the sound of my family getting ready in the morning
-noise
-my big bed
-living near a lake
-living near friends
-my bookshelf. Oh so much.
-Bollywood movies, I don't watch them much in Sydney, because the songs make me cry
-driving
-my job, and the kids I tutor

And obviously it's no Utopia. But there's a certain loneliness I get to escape when I'm here. No matter what's happening, I'm not spending my evenings and nights eating alone in my own little world. And I realise, that's sounds a little bit sad and pathetic, but sometimes that's how it feels. It makes me wonder, how many people are in my life out of necessity, and how many because my life is truly enriched by them.

But, ultimately, in 4 days I will be gone again. That's the inevitable truth Kavita. And yes, I'm going to be homesick for a little while, but I'm sure I'll settle into my old routines. But maybe I won't forget what I'm leaving behind quite so quickly. I come from a tiny family. We all play some vague, chaotic part in holding it all together. Chances are, you're more instrumental to the functioning ability of your family, than you think. And love you're born into most often, runs deeper than anything you create. Easy to forget, important not to.

So, What have I learnt this Summer?

I have learnt that I am stubborn. I have learnt that I need more confidence, self-assurance, and a grounding force. I have learnt that I am blessed, to have all the people that I do. I have learnt that the future is mine to write.

I have learnt that I am fluid. That I am open to change, and this is a good thing. I have learnt that I oscillate between trusting too much, and trusting too little. I have learnt, that I repress anger, there are many things that I need to let go of. I have learnt how to be healthy, the value of sleep. I have remembered what drives me. I have regained optimism. I have regained clarity, and I have hope.

You can get close, Yes. You can get warm. But you'll get no pie.

1. I don't understand people who brag about their 1000 friends on facebook. Here's the deal people. FB friends are not like the tokens you collect at arcades. Don't try to get as many as you can. At the end of the day, you WILL NOT win a stuffed animal for your efforts.

2. I do not understand those who lie for stupid reasons. I don't care if you got 89, or 98. As long as you're happy, nobody cares really. Find better reasons to fib.

3. Don't underestimate the importance of selectivity in who you choose to trust. Make no mistake, the most popular people are the best at keeping things hidden (or, more frequently, are able to change to suit their present company).

4. Seek the company of those older, and more mature than you. They will help you to grow. Seek the company of those who are younger than you. They will help you to see joy and optimism in your life.

5. Take ownership of your identity and your life. Take your fate into your own hands, as best you can. Don't stay dormant in the hope that something or someone will come along and change your situation for you.

6. You can only blame others for a certain amount of time. People will hurt you. If you hold onto that memory, you're only hurting yourself.

Just checking in.

I don't need no doctor, Because I know what's ailing me
Been too long without my baby, coming down with the misery.

Insert brilliant horns and a kick-ass bass-line and you've got yourself a winner.
And that is the song for tonight.
Got to get some shut-eye for an 8am dance class... :/
I emoticon, because I highly doubt my ability to get there on time/fully dressed. But let's see how I go.

Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeace.

(also, thoughts on funny women. yet to come, but watch this space)

Riding in cars with boys.

It's a movie featuring Drew Barrymore.

It's also something every girl does at least once. What's the appeal?

Freedom.

And so I go back a year and a bit, to an interesting phase filled with; parties, recklessness, getting home at 2am, only to study for the next week's final exams, deep-fried mars bars, loud music, and a lot of lights. Disregard for authority, the belief I knew Exactly what I was doing, restlessness and stupidity. Screaming matches, short-shorts, liberties taken for the sake of art, and always ending up in a secluded place near the water. Probably the most bad-ass I'm ever going to be because, I lived in the same city as my parents, and I always had a back-up plan. But a chapter worth remembering.

I have to wonder if I was getting it all out of my system before Life began and so did responsibility. Because I look back, and can't imagine being the girl that I was now. It's almost as if there's more at stake, or perhaps I'm just more aware of it now. I realised the other day, that no matter which way I spin it, I've left the nest and I have no choice but to be independant. And bold. But no longer in a rebellious, teenage way.

This is much bigger. And much more fulfilling.

Addressing your concerns.

My mother has fears,
for my safety, for my sanity
Maybe even wishes all my madness
could be replaced with simple vanity

But you've shown me
too much about reality
uncovered too much bullshit
for me to pretened there's no gravity

We're all falling down
drowning in Lola's spiral, and
time refuses to hold still
it's quality-less, it all goes viral

Except the lies we
wave aside, the dirty money, the greed
The innocents in 94' all begging
on their knees, prayers go unheeded

No spectacular memorial,
the date wasn't nine-eleven-oh-one, you see
Politics refuses to realise, we're dark
but deep, red blood we also bleed

And I dare you to go to
every school, the syllabus will never read
about the horror, death and loss
they have suffered through, every other creed

Now it's like a dirty word,
the mention of radicality,
and I am speaking revolution, not mathematically
a revolution in the way we think,
the words we dare to speak is what we need
The youth need to be taught how to read,
and how to see beyond the promise of 3D
Beyond the gossip of he and she, and when
their first time having sex will be
Beyond the promise of popularity,
Beyond their possessional prosperity

Beyond their parents expectations,
the importance of attaining that 99.3
outside of this little scoreboard world
lies a much bigger reality, the gravity

We're falling falling, out of time and out of line
the stanzas aren't equal, disconnected and out of time
Because I have many words and I'm in danger of falling out of rhyme
Fingers can't keep up with the fire, my heart's doing doubletime

You taught me how to see,
even taught me how to be,
How transparent the curtain is
that they are using to hide the truth from me

And I cannot stand still,
and say 'this is how the world will always be'
I cannot play it safe for you,
I cannot become deaf or mute,
I cannot live in illusion,
For the sake of both you and me.

Music composition.

Your intro is important, ten seconds to impress
Before I turn you off, and listen to something else
Maybe a little more, if I'm feeling generous
If it's been a long day, and you're not completely rhythm-less

But if your rhythm turns out to be vowel-less
And after the first verse, I can't get into the tune
Then it's time to try and hook me in,
If you're willing to modulate, I can turn it up again

At best, your chorus will be addictive,
and I'll toss and turn and sing it in my sleep
Or you'll get me staying up
Insomniac listening on repeat.

Final verse, and I think you've got me dancing
Lighting up the disco ball, and everything is shining
Midnight comes, the clock's still ticking
I lose track of time, of everything I've been thinking

And I am not interested, in what you could precede,
No track four, or the sound it has to offer me
Because, I am Here, I am in sync with your beat
4:50 minutes later, and your song is complete.

Lines to love.

'Insomniac since way back, see this what I been like
Bacon, eggs and pancakes, eating that at midnight.
Getting up and going hard, I don't need to Enzyte
Come across as very calm, mental state is zen-like
Always had a lot of heart, never been the tin type
My girlfriend is very fine, yes she is a ten, right'

LF, at his best, once again.
First two lines speak the truth, and remind me of a lot of people I know.
The third is just funny.
The fourth and fifth are things I like.
The sixth is the sweetest.

And I cannot wait for March 8.

A thought.

How many people
are you going to claim to love,
Before you realise you actually
dont care about at least 40% of them.
Dont throw words around
because you have the ability of speech
Let something remain sacred, subtle
Pure, even.
Don't throw words around because you are afraid
that somewhere out there is a person who dislikes you.
People dislike people. It's how they work.
Our differences cause us to find others irritating, (overly)dramatic, stupid.
It's human. Nobody is perfect in anyone's eyes.
You're flawed. Probably insecure at times. Like everyone else.
Don't ruin a word like 'love' for a reason like that.
Because there will be a special few, who you actually love
Who will actually catch you when you fall
Who genuinely like you for Who You Are.
Save the big words for them. Make it mean something.
And for everyone else, just leave it at 'like.' That's enough.

Trouble Sleeping

Title- entirely dedicated to a song. It's been a while. But I love her. (Corrine Bailey Rae, that is. I'm convinced she's one of the sexiest female musicians of our time. And she doesnt have to strip down to get that status) Listen to it!

So today I'm riding on quite a high, and a newfound sense of perspective and confidence. It's been a day of conversation- talking to two people on their commute home in Sydney. So you can blame me for the noisy person on the bus squealing about boys or vegetables. And, talking to my fabulous ex-teacher. Who's just the most brilliant woman I know.

And now I'm pretty happy. Meanwhile, people are trying to guess their colours :)
And there's a brilliant line in the song 'This constant compromise between thinking and breathing.' Not in a scary, going to die way. But you know those moments where everything is so intense and amazing that you forget to breathe? That's what it makes me think of.

Finally, are we sometimes wrong about people? I'm sure the answer is yes. And I'd like to be a big enough person to try again and iron out the creases. So, the future is bright.

And I have no problems admitting the fact that I'm falling in love. With life, with the present, the prospects of the future, and the incredible people in my life. Deeper and deeper and deeper in love :)

Lighting Up My Life.

I have always found the idea of light, as a symbol for hope, God, freedom or truth an interesting one. Colour fits in there beautifully. The eternal dance between these two forces is what gives our world vitality and life, adding Dimension and Richness to the canvas that is our universe.

But the point of tonight's post is to reveal the colours that light up my own life, and draw out different parts of my being.


Orange- It turns out, orange is an important colour, one that represents a group of warm, loving women, who are strong and steady influences. Somewhere along the line you became an essential colour. Didn't even see it happening. And now I can't imagine life without you.

Fuschia pink- you're so full of life, love and optimism. I chose this colour because you wear this beautiful pink sweater, and because you're so bright. The future is ours!

Little Red- you rock out a red coat like no-one else I know. And you've got a fair bit of fire. You make me feel like almost anything is possible.

Any kind of Blue- I could have chosen pink. But, blue because you make me calm, you're my voice of reason and a constant companion. Blue skies are one of my favourite things in the world, and you are one of the most important. You keep my grounded, we've had our rainy days but you're always there.

Black- I once wrote a description, but it turns out you're no longer a fixture in my life. You're a shade that's passed, and a reminder of what I have left behind in search of better things. You're beautiful, solid, unchangeable, but you don't represent anything important to my present.

Turquoise- You're changeable and you confuse me like no other. But you're the most beautiful thing in my life, and it's starting to become clearer to me now. You encompass everything that is light and dark in my life, my past, present and future wrapped up in your elusive composition.

Green- You're the hardest to admit. For you, I could write novels and never come to close to understanding. I think I can only accept.

Purple- The more I think about it, the more this seems like the most fitting colour. Lilac, soft, easy on the eyes, soothing. And sometimes, dark, bright, furious purple. Full of depth and richness. A tangible and intense beauty, that leaves me tempted to tip the scales. Maybe it would be easier to just arrange you in horizontal layers and lay vertically, equally immersed in both. If I could get close enough to do that.

The Problem

Not sure if it's necessarily a bad thing. If anything it shows how lucky I am to have beautiful people in my life.

But no matter where I am, there will always be someone, somewhere else, who I miss dearly.

The importance of purging.

It's true. 'Purging' is not the most attractive word. In fact, on a scale of 1-10 in word attractiveness, taking into consideration that it often refers to bulimia, or emptying the bowels I'd probably only give it a 2.

That said, to purge; rid of guilt, sin, defilement and impurities is an important thing. Whether that be your own self-destructive thoughts, desires borne of anger, anger in itself, ego, unwarranted sadness, confusion, mistakes, bad memories/influences or even negative people. It is a difficult thing to decide to do. But it must be done.

And so, as of now I am on the road to getting rid of the following (some more serious than others):
-White bread- because I've eaten wholemeal for 2 months now. It's not so bad.
-Late night snacking
-Behaviours cultivated from the influence of people in my past
-Mess. I'm a messy person. It's not a good thing!
-Old anger. Mostly because the cause for this is unlikely to change, and thus, unworthy of my time
-Negativity. Because really, it's crippling and useless. Which is not to say I will become one of those annoyingly optimistic people who fail to see the reality of their lives.
-Self doubt. I'm slowly realising my intuition isn't too inaccurate... gut feelings are completely legit.
- This locket of unhappiness hanging around my neck. It's not even my own unhappiness. I fear to be unhappy, because this locket is on the brink of becoming an anchor. Got to keep my head above water.

Songs of Summer

It's been a while since I posted about music (gasp!) and there've been a few songs that have caught my ear lately, one way or another. And again, the constant rediscovery of the beauty in music reminds me that no matter how confused/unhappy I might be feeling, there is happiness somewhere, in something :)

So, for tumultuous times, or just a reminder that things are 'going to be fine,' (apparently one of my most used phrases), medicine for your heart.

1. Sunlight- Bag Raiders
I pretty much love these guys. And I have always loved the idea of light as a symbol for purity, happiness and illumination of the truth, no matter how often it's used. I could probably write a whole post about Light, music, poetry and novels related to the idea (and I probably will, come to think of it)

2. Shukran Allah- from the movie Kurbaan
An example of Sufi music, a love song inspired by Sufism. It's beautiful.

3. Monks of Mellonwah- Swamp Groove
Introduced to me by a nutty friend :) I love it!

4. Far East Movement- Rocketeer
Post G6, these guys are obviously fans of air transport. I really like the sound of Ryan Tedder, and given my current episode of wanderlust/ desire to get on a plane, the lyrics are pretty perfect. I secretly want to empty out my bank account, get to the airport, and get on a random plane that can get me away from here and give me new perspective and release from expectation. But for now I'll bide my time and listen to this song.